To My 18-Year-Old Self

I'm seeing graduation posts pop up left and right on Facebook of my friend's younger siblings and my little cousins--who aren't so little anymore. Last month was their high school graduation and it's left me feeling a little sentimental and reminiscent. Trust me, I don't want to go back to high school, I'm perfectly fine being in this mid-twenties post-college married chapter of my life, and have zero desire to move backwards. But with all these high school graduations happening around me, my mind can't help but take me back to that beautiful time in my life when every choice I made was going to majorly impact the direction of my life. Oh nostalgia.

I'm 26 years old now and have lived exactly 8 years since my high school graduation. (Um, wow; this is a hard pill to swallow, considering I still feel like a teenybopper sometimes.) If my 26-year-old self magically showed up at my graduation and pulled my young-platinum-blonde-haired-bright-eyed-18-year-old self away for a few minutes to tell me what the next 8 years of my life were going to look like...I would not believe a word of it. There's no way! Would I be totally happy and pleasantly pleased with everything I'd hear? Honestly no, and that's only because I had such different expectations for my life at that time. I didn't know how much I was going to change the following years after high school and I especially didn't know the hardships I was going to face.  And I can't imagine being told in advanced the exact struggle I'm going to experience in a few years. I think it'd be the same concept if God laid out our entire future on this earth in front of us, our future according to HIS plans. I imagine there'd be some disappointment and/or confusion as it definitely wouldn't match up to our plans, but God knows best you guys. "The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

Besides a little shock and disappointment, some of the things I'd hear would absolutely blow me away! I mean, if I could I'd give myself a huge high-five! Way to Go, self! How'd you ever manage to pull that off?! WHO ARE YOU?!

---------------

With that said, things I would say to my freshly graduated 18-year-old-self regarding my future:

One day, you're gonna wish you hadn't tanned so much. Look at those crows-feet next to your eyes! You should have listened to your mother, Jennifer. Tisk tisk.

That guy that you're pining over right now, the one who never showed up today, he's actually gonna break a little piece of your heart this summer. Hard to believe, I know. Of course you'll go through some healing over time, but then...he's gonna come back into your life and break off another piece and you'll feel the hurt all over again. I wish you weren't going to give him so much of your time and thoughts. Even though I wish you would have just kept your standards high from the beginning, this season of heartbreak you're about to endure will teach you so much not only about yourself, but about the qualities of a guy you're looking for in a future husband, the man that you're going to choose to spend the rest of your life with. I know you're not going to listen to anyone and you'll ignore all the red flags because you're so hung up on him, but just know that God's got you throughout this whole thing.

Your huge princess high-school-graduation dress cost more than your wedding dress. Isn't that funny?!

Contentment is a Choice.

"Contentment with life is not a feeling, but it is a decision we must make. Contentment does not mean that we never want to see change or improvement, but it does mean we can be happy where we are and will do the best we can with what we have. It also means we will maintain an attitude that allows us to enjoy the gift of life". {Joyce Meyer}

I read that quote in my devotional this morning and it really struck a chord with me--(I never say "struck a chord with me" ever, so I don't know why I thought now was a good time to start). Anyway!
The aim for contentment has been my struggle my entire life.
I will want something, I will get it, and yet I will still find myself wanting more...wanting something else. The desire for contentment is like a broken record; it always ends the same way (or lack there of, I should say).

Never being satisfied with what we have is a fleshly desire. We can see that God knew that this would be a huge and common struggle for His children, because there are numerous verses in the Bible on this topic.

For example, one verse that really hits me is "But Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it". {1 Timothy 6:6-0}

Wow. Do you ever think about that? Obviously when we were born we didn't bring anything with us into the world, and when we die we are leaving everything behind. We can't take our house, car, spouse, children, TV, money, social circle, intelligence, or skill with us. If I can't be in possession of any of those things when I enter into eternity, then what is the point in desiring them so?

Not being content leads to coveting (to desire wrongfully). God knew this would be such a big issue that He even has it within the Ten Commandments. "You shall not covet your neighbour's house..." {Exodus 20:17}. Coveting seems like such a tiny commandment to break, doesn't it? It may seem so, but then again, it only takes a little bit of coveting for a marriage to fail. It only takes a little bit of coveting for someone to get murdered. It only takes a little bit of coveting to ruin someones life. The consequences of coveting are atrocious and THAT is why God commands us against such things.
Therefore, when we choose to follow God's commandments, He will bless us in ways we can't even imagine.

Six years ago at Bible school in Germany, I finally won this spiritual battle that had been going on inside of me for YEARS. You see, ever since Kindergarten I wanted a boyfriend. I know, I know, that is WAY too young to even be thinking about boys, and I can only pray my future children at that age will be pondering about other things like...crayons and construction paper. Despite this fierce desire to have a boyfriend, I went all through elementary, middle, high school, and my freshman year of college without ever having one. I can admit there were some close calls, (I'm not totally detestable), but none of them ever checked off enough requirements on my "perfect future husband" list. I was super picky and today am sure glad that I was, but it was HARD. It was hard to see all of my friends being pursued and loved by amazing guys when I wasn't. My desire for a boyfriend and lack of contentment didn't make me BETTER, in fact it made me BITTER.

When I first got to Germany and began life at a new school it was amazing to forget everything I was going through and have a "fresh start"; but nothing is truer than the fact that you cannot run away from your problems. So sure enough, all of my insecurities, bitterness, and ungratefulness caught up to me. I still remember the night after I returned back to Germany after an awesome girls weekend in Paris...how I cried myself to sleep. You KNOW that a 19-year-old is bitter when they are living the life in Germany, spending weekends away with some of her best girlfriends next to the Eiffel Tower and the Arc du Triomphe and still manages to find a reason to cry.

I knew I had a choice to make. I could either waste away my time at Bible school drowning in my insecurities OR I could truly let God in and allow Him to change me. The following days and weeks were spent drilling myself in the Word, spending time in my relationship with Christ, getting advice from Godly women, and learning all that I could from my teachers. Looking back now that whole process is kind of one big blur. But what I do remember is one night in December finally thinking happily to myself, "Wow, I can actually see myself being a single woman for the rest of my life. I can do this"! For honestly the first time in my whole life I was finally content with being single. I finally realized that my confidence and strength wasn't supposed to come from me, it was supposed to come from God, and He was enough for me. It was such an awesome realization and I wouldn't have traded my journey to get to that place for anything. I had finally felt content in who I was in Christ and didn't need a guy to get me to that point.

And then that very same night, probably 30 minutes to an hour later, this guy named Jarryd started complimenting me, making me soup, talking with me, taking me for walks, making me laugh, and now six years later we are an old married couple (JK, newlyweds forever!!). So adding to what I said before, when I found true belonging in Christ, that is when He blessed me with Jarryd. I'm seriously so thankful that God never gave me a boyfriend before any of this because then I probably would have driven this boyfriend away and had to have gone through some pretty bad experiences.

I have seen what God can do when I choose to find my identity, strength, and joy in Him! So today, six years later in 2016, when I am struggling with this unhappiness towards things like my job and where I am currently living...it baffles me because I know that this unthankfulness is not the answer. God has done so much in my life, how can I not praise Him? So, because I know that struggles cannot disappear out of my life completely, I must remember that contentment is not a feeling but a choice. And with God's strength I will choose to see the good in my life rather than the not-so-good.

Take the season of Winter for example. It is the absolute worst. I loathe it like no other. But despite my detesting, I choose to see the beauty in it and sometimes its beauty overrides its hideously frigid winds.

My backyard in Germany. (2010)

My face says it all: This whole Niagara Falls thing is beautiful, but get me out of this weather NOW...

Just sometimes. ;)

College #3

This is me in my new dorm room (you see those flowers? I went for a jog one morning to be given those to for free from a wonderful lady who saved them from her wedding! See, exercising pays off!). Yes, that's right, you heard me; I am in college again.

(Summer treated me well by the way. My favourite part was being in Maryland and experiencing an earthquake AND a hurricane, all in the span of one week! Oh, and New York City was pretty cool too.)

The number one conversation I've had within the past week is: "so Jennifer, are you a freshman here?"

"Kinda, but not really; I'm more of what you call a 'transfer student'..."

*cue the wide eyes and high pitchy voice*

"OH COOL! Where'd you transfer from?!"

"Well, long story short. After high school I attended a prestigious Christian university in Western Canada. And then I decided to study at a small Bible school on the other side of the world, in Germany."

And now I am here...again at a Bible college, but this time I'm nowhere near the Pacific Ocean, the Rocky Mountains, German chocolate, Paris, or Spain.

In fact, I am surrounded by 10 wheat fields, a highway, a couple dirt roads, and a tree. I am in the middle of nowhere. Oh and better yet, I am car-less.

On a brighter note, I am taking some absolutely amazing courses with professors whom I absolutely love:

Foundations of Youth Ministry

Cultural Anthropology

Intro to Theology

History of Christianity

Psychology of Human Development: Children

American Literature of the 20th Century

Yes, you counted right, six courses. But honestly, school and studying are my element. I'm that girl who loves taking notes and writing down all her assignments in her day-planner and then spends every spare minute of her time in the library. I love it! If only I could get paid to do this...

What I also love is having my boyfriend (of 9+ months) here with me at college. I am so proud to say that we conquered long-distance, therefore, we are pretty much capable of anything. :) :)

During the first week of school I had a audition for the college's choir. A few days later I found out that the audition went pretty well apparently, not only was I accepted into the choir, but I had a callback to also join the more so-called "elite" smaller choir. That was cool news, I mean, it was a decent self-esteem booster, but that's all it was. I didn't end up joining the choir and I didn't end up going to callbacks. Despite all the pressure I felt to join, I decided to call a rain check on that one. It may sound like nothing to you, but not joining the choir/s was the best thing I could have done for myself. For the first time ever I possessed a backbone and said a firm "no, thanks". Sure, I probably disappointed some people in my life, but I sure as heck didn't disappoint myself; I have complete confidence that God has other things in mind for me. And He has flooded my body and soul with His incredible peace. :)

Hmm. I am making all of it sound much easier than it really is. This third college experience of mine has been good. Yes. It has...but God is definitely testing me. (Notice the present-tense) Honestly, right now He is testing me in so many ways and I feel like it's more than I've ever been used to. Things have been good but it's also been hard. God is just telling me that I need to be patient, and that I need to trust in Him. To have patience and trust. Trust and patience. I may or may not elaborate on this more...one day...maybe...

This morning I read the book of Philippians and I underlined and scribbled it like crazy. I recommend it.

Peace and Love!

Prelude in G Major from Suite No. 1 -Bach

I'm home now. It's been a long, yet quick few days. Exactly a week ago I was still in BC, cleaning out my dorm room and scratching my initials in the closet (secretly of course).
I've always had this fear that my when I'd come back home, my friends here wouldn't want to talk to me. As if my leaving was an act of betrayal or something. This is just one of my everyday "expect the worst" kind of thoughts. But on my ride home, I can't even tell you how many people texted me asking me "when are you coming home?!" It was actually insane and also relieving. These past few days I've just realized how much I love my friends for giving me so much encouragement and support, and for not ignoring me like I had thought... People can be wonderful.
So here I am at home, in this room. I have this weird sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten yet...but I really think it's because I'm alone. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to not having someone to talk to who's a couple feet away. I'm not used to these tiny, claustrophobic windows. I miss my dirty, white brick walls. I miss having neighbors right across the hall, I miss the lack of privacy, I miss complaining about homework every second of the day, I miss blowing all my money on protein smoothies, I miss never sleeping in. All in all, I just miss sharing a room for two. This solitude makes me think too much.
On the positive side, I get to play my music as loud as I want, and as annoyingly on repeat as I want. Haha (not that my roomie ever minded hearing Taylor Swift over and over and over again)
But it's OK, these Chris Tomlin songs are reminding me of a few things.
These are a busy two weeks my friends.

Almost Over.

So according to my calculations, in the past two days I have attained a total of 9.5 hours of sleep.
Ohhh, is that why it feels like it's 3 in the morning? Well this explains everything.

No, I'm not complaining. For some reason staying up late studying for exams gives me this weird kind of adrenaline rush or something... Yes, I know I'm weird, you don't have to remind me.

So as you can tell, I'm pretty delirious right now. It's kind of funny. I am honestly so tired, but sleep is simply not an option. Not when my 9 AM exam depends on it!
Besides, tomorrow is my last exam, and then I am free forever and ever. No more stress, no more homework highs in the middle of the night, no more having to force feed myself a cappuccino. These last few days of sleep deprivation make it all worth it in the end. (hello there, Mr. GPA)

I should really get back to studying before I write something embarrassing...

Oh hey, the library is playing opera music. This is a first. I thought libraries were supposed to be quiet. Oh well, I'm secretly enjoying it. Why do I feel as if I'm making small-talk with myself? Why am I still here?!

To whoever is reading: enjoy your sleep. You know my jealously is flourishing like wildflowers as we speak...or I speak...whatever.

Lipstick.

Write a killer essay, write a killer essay, write a killer essay...

Tonight is my english exam, and for some reason I'm not even freaking out. Maybe because ever since I scored that A- on my English research paper, I feel like I have potential again in doing what I love. But the last thing I want to be is over confident--it likes to get me in trouble sometimes. But after tonight, I have THREE whole days until my next exam. What ever am I going to do?? Ha, just kidding. I have 3 exams to study for, plus a Fine Arts project to complete.

Last weekend was great. I finished reading a 300-page novel in less than two days, which is -don't laugh- pretty good for me. It was an amazing book too, called Obasan. I love the author's style of writing, all flowery and creative-like.

I also went to St. Arbucks with a few friends for a study sesh. (Starbucks, in case you didn't know) And to burn off that dreaded frappuccino, I've definitely starting working out again, which is a plus. Apparently nobody uses the women's gym at 8 in the morning...

The weather is b e a u t i f u l. It's terrible! Must it be so sunny when I'm in dire need to study?

I wore lipstick to the film festival the other day, it was fun.

Anyway, great things are happening. Well...except for the minor carpal tunnel that seems to be developing in my right wrist. I'm actually getting pretty paranoid already. Oh well,

Sighhh.

Remember when I wrote a few days ago that my stress levels were at a comfortable low? Well, I think I was kidding myself. I have been emotionally drained for the past four months and it never seems to end. I am exhausted. It's so sunny and beautiful outside, and yet I'm stuck inside here under the fluorescent lighting, writing useless sentences across useless pages. And just the thought of having to write five exams in the coming weeks is enough to make my hair fall out and for my teeth to grind to a minimum.

I'm going to go take a shower before the monster inside me is unleashed.

Good Morning, Sunshine.

Have you ever had one of those days where everyone just seems repulsed by you? The cashier refuses to give you a smile or look you in the eye, someone you know passes you on the sidewalk and never acknowledges your existence. You do all you can to give a bright smile, and with a twinkle in your eye you say "Hey! Good morning!" and stop in your tracks, itching for conversation, when all they do is say "...hi..." and practically hurdle past you.

All of these events build and build and build up until it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. I end up wasting time trying to identify all the factors that could make me a repulsive person.

I then tell myself: Jenn, don't make the Fundamental Attribution Error (thank you, Psychology 106); don't think that everyone has a personal disposition to despise you, while forgetting all the situational factors involved. It's 8 in the morning...and not everyone is a morning person like you.

Despite all of the half-asleep grumps, I love mornings! :)

God is Good, so Good.

Life has been pretty comfortable lately. Thanks to my late 3 AM nights and my on-going Facebook fast, I have been finishing all of my assignments on time, and the stress levels are now currently sitting at a low. I have only a few assignments left before exams roll around next week; one assignment left to do includes watching and comparing Oh Brother Where Art Thou with the Wizard Of Oz. (SWEET!)

Last Sunday was the most beautiful day. It was plus 15 with pure sunshine, so my friends pulled out the blankets and lay out on the grass for over 4 hours. I think I even got some color on me! I forgot how much I missed the sun. The rain is so frequent here that you're so used to running indoors at every opportune moment. The sun reminded me of how excited I am for summer: going for jogs in the blaring heat, laying on the beach, having campfires every evening...

Despite the lovely realization that summer is just around the corner, I really think that these next three weeks are going to be the hardest. I have to say so many goodbyes. I can't even describe how great some of the people here are. They have changed my life completely. It's weird not knowing the next time you're ever going to see some of these faces again; it's numbing. But the beauty of being in a relationship with Christ is having the confidence that we'll all see each other again one day in Heaven. If I keep this fine fact in mind, maybe the depression won't even sink in. Maybe goodbyes are just a part of life. And maybe God's plan is flawless.

So yes, these next few weeks will be trying, but I'm going to soak in every second of it. And the daily Gilmore Girls' marathons with my best friends don't hurt either. :)

Valentine's Day

"if you're ever with a girl that's too good for you, marry her."

I couldn't have said it better, Reed Bennett.

So, this is me in the library, obviously working on my Philosophy homework. ;)

Random Thoughts.

Tonight is a "random thought" kind of night, as is this blog entry...so here goes:

I've come to realize that contexts' can be very powerful. What do I mean by this? Well, if you ever want to get into a super deep conversation with me, just pull me into a hot tub. That's all you gotta do. After spending countless hours in my roommates' hot tub over the past few months, it's just what I've been noticing. A hot tub is like a warm, safe space. There's something about the cool outdoor air intertwining with the chlorine-infested fumes that just make trusting the person you're in there with, inevitable. (By the way, do not use this newfound knowledge to take advantage of me) Anyway, my roommate and I have the best talks in there. But who are we kidding? We have the best talks anywhere. I also don't like announcing her as my "roommate", because it just doesn't do her any justice, at all. She's so much more than someone I simply share a room with. I NEED to change the subject before I get all sappy, (she's totally gonna read this, haha). But in conclusion: I love her, soooo very much, and a mere blog entry could never describe how much I care about her!

So, I went to the art gallery today. It was definitely a let down. I mean, usually I'm pretty open minded to art and all it's glory, but this was just terrible. Everything was either too abstract, too amateur, or disgusting (I'd rather not see what a corpse' bodily fluids look like when sprinkled upon glass.) I want REAL art. I want to go to Italy and see the gaze up at the Sistine Chapel, or spend countless hours at the Louvre in France. Yes, I'm officially adding that to my To-Do list.

So, these next two weeks are going to be INSANE. Last night, amidst its deep and dark hours, I calculated that I have total of 13 assignments to complete in 9 days. (!!!) It's not like I've been slacking off or anything, it's just that all six of my classes seem to prefer to give out alot of homework at the same time. At first after I figured out the cruel 13:9 assignment ratio, I just couldn't comprehend it; I was like, "oh! This is my cue to die." UNTIL, I realized that I don't just have 9 days, in fact, I have 10 nights. I have 9 whole days and 10 whole nights to complete these assignments. Who needs sleep when you can just stay up late doing homework and writing blog entries?? NOT ME. Last night was the first night of my homework binge. I stayed up until 3 AM, and I even made my roomie change my facebook password so that I have zero access to it until these 9 days and 10 nights are over. Quite the strategy I have going on here, eh? And as for tonight, I'm planning on staying up as late as I need to in order to get some homework done. I am strong. I am motivated. And I am also thankful for chai tea lattes. By the time May rolls around, I know I'm going to be sick as a dog; I'm not naive when it comes to the consequences of enforced-insomnia. I'm also going to be fat. "I just don't have time to work out!!!" says the one who just watched two episodes of Gilmore Girls. Oh well, I'm still eating my vegetables, and taking my vitamins. It's gonna be rough folks, but my GPA will thank me for it! (hopefully)

Anyway, it's already 12:30 AM, so I'd better get started on homework. Here are some photos from the weekend:

Highways.

I just finished watching "The Last Song", a movie based on the Nicholas Sparks' book. And of course I bawled my eyes out. Apparently I'm the biggest sap ever. I NEVER used to cry during movies at the theatre, because I couldn't cry in front of people, but now I just let it all out. When did I become so emotional?

Every Nicholas Sparks movie just gets me: a Walk to Remember, Dear John, The Notebook, and now this one, The Last Song. Wow...
And the thing is that I don't cry during the love scenes, or about the relationship between the guy and the girl. I cry about the father with autism, the death that cancer brings, or when the son cries out of arguing with his sister.

Nicholas Sparks is such an amazing writer. His stories are just so real. I'm definitely adding all of his books to my summer reading list. I can't wait 'till summer. Honestly, after a long day at work, all I'm gonna do is read and watch movies. I cannot wait. I'm so tired of homework these days. I now know why University semesters only last a total of four months. I don't know how anybody could possibly take any more stress than this!

The house I'm in right now sits on a hillside, with an incredible view of farmland and snow-capped mountains. What's also in sight is the Trans-Canada Highway. I like to stare mindlessly at it, at the cars gliding along while passing the ever-so-intimidating semi trucks beside them. I like the contrast of the approaching yellow headlights with the vanishing vivid red tail-lights. I realized just now why I like this highway so much. It's because I know that as long as I stay within the lines, that highway will take me home, eventually. It's sort of a revelation to me; to suddenly realize that what's connecting me to home is simply, a long and winding road. How could I possibly feel lost when all I need to do is head east?

My favorite picture I took at the amazing John Mayer concert:

Cappuccino.

I've been doing weird things lately. First of all, I draw crazy pictures in class like THIS:
(Thank you to Midsummer Night's Dream for inspiring me with your book cover)

(Can you find the little knight? He's my favorite.)

Then I spent the whole weekend doing absolutely nothing but writing my English research paper. (and watching My Best Friends' Wedding of course). And just when I think 2000 words is way too much to handle, I end up finishing the paper off with 2800 words.

And then last night I forced a cappuccino down my throat (it was like coffee --disgusting!) in hopes to stay up past 3 AM to do homework.

Oh and not to mention, this morning I bought a protein bar at the bookstore. Who does that?! I'll admit that it did taste pretty good though...

And best of all, I have huge motivation to do homework right now. It's good to have my determination back. I think I went a good three weeks without caring about anything. I wonder what that was all about.

Well, I'm off to do some much-needed studying! There's only a month of this torturous stress left, so I had better make the most of it.

P.s- Thursday will be a good day. I'm meeting up with my man, John Mayer in the $50 nosebleed seats. Can't wait!

Oh and here is a photo of my child:

Dear Jennifer:

You have a research paper due on Monday.
You've been working on it for almost two days already, and all you have done is the first measly page of the first rough draft.
If there's one thing I ask of you, it is this: STOP BEING SUCH A PERFECTIONIST AND JUST WRITE.
If only you could see how dumb you look while staring blankly at a computer screen.
All the best,
Jennifer

Some more Mud.

This last week was a crazy one, that's for sure!

My school held this huge campus-wide event called Fort Week. Each dorm is their own team, and every evening we compete against each other to win the most points to see which dorm is the champion of all dorms.

The other night mine and three other dorms got numbered off. And when a certain number was called, let's say "five", then all the "fives" would have to dive into the pile of mud and wrestle for the cow tongue. (pink, squishy goodness) And for probably the second time in my life I felt a CRAZY intense emotion, called anger. This one chick kept beating on me!! (Haha, I'm actually laughing right now while I'm writing this.) So then I let her have it. My friends after told me that during this wrestling match my face was absolutely PRICELESS. I was actually angry. This was bittersweet; I loved experiencing the surge of energy this emotion gave me, BUT it also showed me that I take games a little too seriously and that I'm actually an ANGRY person capable of being ANGRY. Whoops...Haha. Good times though. Too bad nobody had a videocamera...

Oh and what's worse, is that if any dorms wanted more points, they had the opportunity to shave their heads. I know, it doesn't sound that bad, 'cause guys shave their heads all the time. But these were GIRLS. Soooo many girls shaved their hair off. I was just standing there in shock while the razor was goin'. Like what are they thinking?? But to be honest, most of these girls actually suited the shaved-head look. I could never shave my hair off, I couldn't even cut it. My hair is practically my boyfriend, we are inseparable, he is my everything.

So out of all the competitions, my dorm didn't do so well. Especially at the mud tug-of-war. (that was a gongshow haha) But none of us really cared, because we had FUN! :)

In a few hours is the Fort Week banquet. I'm super excited because I get to wear a dress! Thus, my legs must be revealed. So this morning I shaved my legs. Ughhh. It's honestly my least favorite thing to do. I felt like I was doing yoga in the shower. (Please ignore the imagery)

I just wanted to say thank you to those who read my blog, and for the support and concern. It's so very encouraging, and it helps get me through. I appreciate it so much!

Anyways, this was my room this morning (thank you, dear stress, for taking over my life):

Mud.

I came to university thinking that by taking all of these classes I'd become smarter, more confident, and so incredibly sure of what I wanted to strive for and become one day. I was excited to learn and be challenged; but most of all, I was convinced that I would reach every goal and would never have to say "I give up", because I believed with all of my heart that I'd never let it get to that point.

I thought I would feel some form of fulfillment... but I feel like the life inside of me is just draining away, piece by piece. I feel like every assignment I hand in is less than mediocre because I don't have the time to do my best; I have so many other assignments on my plate.

I don't like who I am when my hair's being constantly pulled like this; the pessimism and the carelessness isn't me! It just makes me wonder, is the rest of my life going to be like this? Am I always going to worry myself to death about what my purpose is?

I wish life was a fairytale. Where all you had to worry about was which prince was suitable enough for you. And then after you've chosen you'd get married, ride off into the sunset, and you know how it ends, live happily ever after. Princesses don't have to worry about hoping to feel talented one day, or what they're gonna be when they grow up; they already know that the title "Queen" is already written in stone.

Hopefully when I look back on this one day, I'll be able to say that, "the early adult years were the most difficult years of my life." Because I don't want it to be any harder than this.

What's good about life lately is that by the time my head hits the pillow, I'm content; I'm happy. By the time the sun goes down, there's always someone, multiple "someones", or situations that bring the sparkle back to my eyes. For instance, last night I participated in the dorm competitions. There was tricycle jousting, tug of war, obstacle courses, trivia, and a boston riot, which left all of us covered in mud. (Thank you to the BC rain and earth for creating this wonderful substance) And you know what? It was FUN. It completely got my mind off of life and it was exactly what I needed; heaven sent. Tonight is another competition and it's going to be insanity at its finest. I can't wait!!

And with that in mind, I'm going to try and complete this homework at least a little bit above the mediocre level. That's a step.

Messy Life = Messy Room.

You know that you life is a mess when...

your garbage is over-flowing,
your bed looks like a tornado just passed through it,
the books you've been dying to read now have a layer of dust on them,
your desk is covered in t-shirts, dirty forks, and empty cups,
your little pile of laundry is beginning to look a little overwhelming,
and your homework/assignment planner is lacking "strokes".

Yikes.

Philosophy Hurts. Optimism Heals.

Something so hilarious just happened to me.

I started my Philosophy homework at 7 pm, it is now almost 9 pm.

During this time I read through all of chapter 8, and answered all of chapter 8's lovely review questions in preparation for the test tomorrow.

I was relieved to be almost done my homework before 9 pm, I mean, what an accomplishment!

And then I leaned in a little closer to the syllabus and saw in bold letters not a Chapter 8, but a Chapter 11.

Ohh...crap.

So what do you do in a situation like this?

Easy; Pack up your Philosophy textbook, sprint out of the library, watch Sex and The City with your closest friends, take advantage of your Chai Tea Latte solely for its caffeine, and say hello to the late night ahead of you.

:)

Sleep sleep sleep.

Ever feel like you "slept" the whole night with your eyes half open? 'Cause last night was definitely one of those nights. Before my head hit the pillow I sort of told myself: by the way you've been procrastinating and lacking highly in the time management department, you don't deserve sleep. You deserve to toss and turn all night worrying about that J.R.R Tolkien book you've been putting off, and to have nightmares about the Thomas Aquinas quiz tomorrow, and to be forever haunted of humanistic consumerism's effect on education, ALL NIGHT LONG.
Hmm... I think I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe? Yes, no?
But despite this restless sleep I suffered through, I found myself air-guitaring and head-banging as I got dressed. And despite this restless sleep, I went absolutely crazy at the gym; never have I felt so excited to be on a treadmill. And after I wiped the sweat from my forehead, I found myself sprinting back to my dorm. Who does that??
Then I decided to watch Carrie Underwood's music video: Temporary Home. Which is when I unintentionally cried my eyes out.
Seeing as how eventful and bipolar my day was, I should just forever be an insomniac. It's good times for sure...
Anyway, this 2000 word essay worth %70 of my grade is beckoning me on over. Can't wait!!

Sunshine!

Now really, is that not THEE most beautiful thing you've ever seen in the middle of February?

Oh how I love the West Coast.