Sleepless.

I cried more this past weekend than I have in the few months of summer combined. It's as if I've been saving it all up for this very weekend. It's not like anything detrimental occurred either--such as a death in the family, a really tough goodbye, or a job loss.

Three words: lack of sleep. I think that's definitely what caused most of the tears. (Well, that and all the Grey's Anatomy episodes I invested in last week, which always make me cry like a baby).

The other night while lying in bed I experienced an anxiety attack. Thanks to the inevitable passing of days I am now emotionally detached from this event and I feel totally comfortable writing about it. Time heals all wounds right?
It was the first one I'd had since starting my new job three months ago, which is really good in leu of my track record. When I worked at my old job I'd get them pretty frequently because I've noticed having to wake up before 6 am for work (solely for work) is a trigger for it. Lord KNOWS I have such trouble getting myself to bed on time, which is why my previous work hours of 6 AM to 2:30 PM were a huge problem for me. I loathe not getting enough sleep.

I'm the kind of person who needs 8-10 hours of sleep a night to feel sweetly well-rested when waking up the following morning. Yes, I'm one of those people. My husband on the other hand can survive a 6 hour long night of sleep and actually function the next day; it completely boggles my mind. I'm very meticulous about sleeping hours too, constantly calculating the exact hours and half hours of sleep I'll accumulate if I go to bed at __(insert time here)__. I'd say I'm on the verge of obsessive.

With my new job I have to work every other weekend. So once every two weeks, I have to be in by 6 am on the Sunday, which means that those Saturday evenings/nights are awful for me. 
So this last Saturday night went a little something like this: First, I set my alarm, shut off the bedside lamp, turned onto my favourite side-sleeping-position and pulled the covers up to my ears. Thankfully, more times than not this is followed by me falling asleep, and callin' it a successful nights' sleep! Phew.

But this time around, it turned into a repetitive loop of random thoughts and images in my brain. Because I'm a chef, these thought loops typically resemble culinary-related subjects and events that I experience on a 40 hour a week basis. (I remember one time when I was in middle school I had a thought-loop of the America's Next Top Model show--it was incredibly annoying to say the least!)
This night in particular was about cleaning and seasoning chicken breasts. Over and over again, my goodness it just wouldn't end. If you haven't ever experienced these weird random thought-loop-hallucinations you'll never understand it and you probably think I'm a little nuts right now, but I'll try my best to enlighten you of this unfortunate weirdness of mine.

Fun Facts About Me!

Hey!! It's that time again, the time when I share with you some random, weird, funny, absurd, and quirky facts about me that make me who I am. I've done this a couple times before, so forgive me if I have shared the same facts twice over the years.

1. This isn't a very fun fact actually, but I'm gonna share it anyway. At my last trip to the eye doctor, I found out I had: Pinguecula. (A fun word to say, right?!) It's a raised yellow bump(s) on the whites of my eyes. They're caused from too much sun exposure--so apparently I went on one too many cruises and Florida vacations without wearing any sunglasses. It's super annoying because it actually stings and then the rest of my eye-whites get inflamed and therefore turn red. Yes, my eyes are always red and I hate it. Of course, I should count my blessings because there are worse health-issues that I could be stuck with, but it doesn't change the fact that this stinks. My eyes always feel so dry, as if my eyes haven't "slept" in days. So those of you who have beautiful white eye-whites, FEEL SPECIAL and know that I am jealous of you.

2. One of my greatest pet peeves is when people use the same word in a sentence twice. For example, "I'm feeling so many feelings". Gahhh. I'm cringing just typing that. Or "this stressful situation is causing me so much stress". Just please stop. 😫

3. High-strung, intense, fast-paced people bother me. Why are you expending SO much energy on such minuscule tasks?! Just take a breath and slow down before your inevitable-future-heart-attack catches up to you.

Change.

Isn't it interesting how we're always changing? I am not the girl that I was 6 years ago, the girl who had visions of one day living in tiny apartments in big cities, walking to class everyday pursuing a career in journalism.
People who know me now, probably read that sentence with MUCH confusion. Even as I just typed that it felt almost out-of-body-esque. Me? A journalist? The 5% of me that is an insane-grammar-freak is like "YES! I LOVE that career choice!" but the other 95% of me is like "no thank you, that sounds like an anxiety-inducing nightmare".
And small-town-country-loving-Jenny living in a city?! I think if I had plans to have absolutely zero children, then maybe, just maybe I could chance a life of city living (I'm no Amber Fillerup, believe it or not). :P

I did 4 years of Bible college/university/school for many reasons but a large reason was to find a husband find some direction in my life career-wise. Half way through this schooling I had visions of pursuing some type of counselling career. And hey, as an INFJ personality type, I have counselling written all.over.me. Even the other day my co-worker told me that I have the gift of listening and I was like, "thank you!" and he was like "don't thank me, thank God for giving that to you!" (I appreciate the fact that I know how to listen, but truthfully...somedays I wish I had the gift of talking. I feel like it could take me places, you know?) :P But something about picturing myself with a 9-5 office job listening to clients heavy life stories for five days a week, didn't sit well with me. Believe me, I wish it did. One of my really good friends is a therapist and her job sounds incredibly rewarding and fulfilling and she's doing amazing things in people's lives but I am just so confident that it's not my calling.

And then...Pinterest came into existence and opened my eyes of a whole new world of cooking, baking, food styling, and food photography. THAT looks beautiful, fun, practical, and intriguing! Finally a career choice that my creative gene could latch onto and actually attain. Now, four years of practice in the kitchen and one culinary certificate later, I've found myself with a "9-5" job in the food industry as a cook/chef.

And now, after almost two years of working in commercial kitchens I'm finding myself wanting to get out of it. Yep. Spending 8 and a 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week at a physically-demanding job is really starting to wear on me. What I really want is to pursue baking and it's hard when your full-time job is robbing you of all your energy. Truthfully, an office job looks pretty good right now. I wonder what it would be like to come home from work (an office job) and still have the physical energy to spend all evening in my kitchen on my feet working on my baking skills? I do wonder if this is even a plausible idea or would my mental energy then take a tumble?

So back to my first statement: isn't it interesting how we're always changing? I went from wanting to be a journalist to being a counsellor, to being a chef, to now dreaming of baking cakes, cupcakes, and all things pretty! It all sounds drastic when you lay it out like that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I haven't really changed that much. Yes, I let the dream of journalism go, but I've still held on to my love and passion for writing--with this blog of mine. I let the dream of counselling go, but I still have a huge place in my heart for people, friendships, encouraging, loving, and listening--with this blog, but more-so in my everyday life with those I interact with. I'm considering letting the dream of being chef in a commercial kitchen go--quite gradually--but I'm for sure going to hold on to everything that I have learned about the food industry; because much of what that skill and knowledge can be carried on into the business of cake decorating.

I'm curious to see how much I will have changed five years from now! Will I have dropped cake decorating for something even more attainable, like...bioengineering? (Kidding.) I'm also excited to see how much Jarryd will change in five years--maybe he'll finally pursue his long-time dream of country music singin'. (Kidding, I think?)

Change is good. I'm telling myself this as I just realized in 5 years I will be 30 years old. Gulp. Change is good, Jennifer.

We're Baaaaack!

Hey everyone! Jarryd and I are officially back from our 2016 Canadian Thanksgiving trip! Well, we've actually been back since this past Monday but who's keeping track?

The first indication that we were back in America was the weather. Holy smokes--it was wonderful stepping off the plane to feel the warm, humid air soak into my face like a sponge! (This is a no-sarcasm zone, by the way. I'm being completely serious when I say I love humidity!)

And then, driving on the interstate felt SO good. My Canadian hometown has nothing even close to an Interstate so driving in the US is such a treat for me! I often feel the need for speed and after a long flight it was just what I needed. I love going 130 km/hr in my little white honda. It was great, UNTIL we came to a complete stop as there was an accident ahead of us. Instead of a 45 minute drive back to our apartment, it was a 2 hour drive back. And what's worse is we got home at 8 pm and had to ready ourselves for work the next day. Ugh. And I'll have you know, we were SO smart when planning this trip. Our return flight was for Saturday, which would have given us a whole day of rest before we had to go back to work. But, when our return flight got cancelled due to "lavatory maintenance" (whatever that means), our careful planning all went out the window! But it was a TOTAL blessing because we got to spend more time in Canada with friends and family. (Also, missing work on Monday meant a short work week too! Yay!)

I finally unpacked my suitcase. Can somebody please give me a reward for this? In Starbucks PSL form? Unpacking is hard, especially when you leave it for almost a week and you forget what's clean and what's dirty. Although, unpacking this time around was kinda fun because one of my best friends (who has a killer sense of style!) gave me a truckload of her old clothes, so it was like unwrapping a giant suitcase-shaped present full of gorgeous "new" clothes!  * heart eyes *

Oh, and did I mention that I'm sick with a cold? I have visited Canada a total of 3 times since moving to the US and I have gotten sick a total of 3 times on these trips. Can you believe it?! Every. Single. Time. It never fails!
Honestly, I fully expected to be sick this time, so halfway through the trip when I woke up with a scratchy throat, I rolled my eyes and said "here we go, again!". "See ya in a few days, voice. I'll miss you!" And when I say sick, I mean getting an awful hacking-type-of-cold and losing my voice.
I'm either getting sick from the humid US-to-dry Canada climate change, or I'm getting sick from sitting in a winged-germ-tube airplane where you breathe everyone elses air for several hours. :P

You guys, I definitely experienced my introvert hangover in the middle of our trip. IN THE MIDDLE. How awful is that? Introvert hangover = "a withdrawal into oneself brought on by overstimulation" (as said by Introvert Dear). Making plans to see so many different people and never having a moment alone during the day can be pretty exhausting (especially when you're sick with a real hoarse voice!). I mean, we were dividing our days into 3+ sections just to make time to see everyone! I definitely started feeling stressed about my lack of time/energy/health. But what I've learned over the years is that you can't use your introversion as a crutch or an excuse. For example, I could have cancelled plans with people, but that would have been SO dumb. (I'm sorry but "dumb" is the only word I could think of right now). I would have come back to the US with so much guilt and regret for choosing to recharge over seeing people I haven't seen in MONTHS. It's honestly just a conscious choice you have to make, a choice to just get over your exhaustion, because by the time you lay eyes on your long-distance friends all of the tiredness instantly disappears! :) Can anyone else relate with me on this one? I'm so proud of myself for not letting it get to me either, all I did was say to my Mom "I'm stressed", and that was that! High five to myself!

On a lighter, less phlegmy note, it's so nice coming back to colourful leaves on the trees! Where we were, (near Winnipeg), a majority of the fall leaves were already off the trees and on the ground. :'( Fall literally lasts a second there, haha! And I feel like it's just beginning here in Maryland! YAY!

What's also cool is that I used PAID VACATION. Haha I know I know, I'm 25 and only experiencing the joys of paid vacation now, blah blah. But it's a big deal to me! A whole week off of work and I'm still getting paid for it?! Amazing! (I'm such an adult now, it's nuts!) The unfortunate part is that I used up all of my vacation until next October. LOL. It's going to be a loooong year guys...

Also, a whole week without having to go to work = a whole week of being able to do my hair and makeup and wear nice clothes during the day and feel pretty again! And LIPSTICK--I got to wear lipstick like everyday! But Jenny, why don't you wear makeup to work? Trust me, in my profession there's absolutely no point. Why would I wake up any earlier than I have to just so I can wear makeup that's going to get sweated off? This paragraph would be what I'd give the #itsthelittlethings hashtag to. It's the little things in life that can give one joy.

I hung out with 4 babies and 1 toddler on this trip (all girls, by the way), and I think I'm officially ready to be a mom. Hahah. Now, don't you dare take me the wrong way! :P I'm not saying that we're "trying" or whatever; what I'm saying is that it doesn't seem so far-fetched anymore. Here in Maryland, we have only 1 friend who has a kid. Back in Canada, we have only 1 friend who DOESN'T have a kid. When you're surrounded by a huge community of young parents with babies you definitely start to feel the "itch", you know? LOL. I'll let y'all know what happens...

Anyway, after a pretty good four days of work, today is Saturday and I've been doing absolutely nothing! Nothing, except for sleeping in, unpacking, two loads of laundry, two cups of coffee, grocery shopping, replacing my MacBook Pro battery (all by myself, thank you very much!), dishes, cleaning, and now---blogging! OH and how could I forget: Hallmark channel has been playing in the background all afternoon. Hee Hee.

It's good to be back, friends! :) OH and I plan to post a blog entry about our trip with all kinds of photos. Stay tuned.

Thank You.

It's been a strange week, inside of the mind of Jenny, that is. No odd events have occurred and nothing out of the ordinary has sprung up in my life; it's all just been weird inside of my head.

Being a hopeless introvert I tend to live inside of my head. I tend to pull up a chair and stay for awhile within the "comforts" of my own brain and then get up and leave when I feel ready and satisfyingly rejuvenated. But this week, I actually pitched a tent in my head (and I do not fancy camping in the least so I don't know why I'd ever even consider pitching a tent, but it's my brain, what can I do?), and stayed inside the walls of my skull for a very long time. Too long, in fact.

Introspection is a good thing. It's healthy to examine your own mental and emotional wellbeing and work to keep it intact. But too much dwelling within-the-minds-eye is when things get a little crazy. Trust me, I LOVE to be inside of my head. I love to process the interactions I have with people or events, envision the potentials of my future, seek out new dreams and goals, and just mull over my current life just as everything is. I enjoy all of this so much, in fact I NEED to do this in order to stay sane, but when I spend too much time analyzing and questioning anything and everything, that is when my joy takes a dangerous turn into bitterness, worry, grief, anxiety, and just plain unhappiness.

Is there anyone out there who can relate with me on this? (I know you're out there somewhere!)

An example of something in my life that I allowed to go from a joyful event to sorrowful one, is my upcoming trip to Canada. (If you didn't know, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up quick and Jarryd and I are vacationing there for a week! YAY!) Anybody who knows me KNOWS that I am crazy excited for this trip. But a few days ago I found myself DREADING it. DREAD-ING. How?! Why?! This is going to sound so silly to you guys, but I knew that going back to Canada and enjoying my time seeing my family and my best friends again...meant saying goodbye AGAIN. And because it's Maryland's turn for Christmas holidays this year, it would be one of those "goodbye, I don't know when I'll ever see you again so...until who-knows-when so take care of yourself! See ya?!" :(

I honestly could cry right now as I've been typing all of this out, but I'm gonna keep it together, people!

My mind takes me on such insane trails that my sad obsession with the future goodbyes completely overshadowed how GOOD this trip is going to be. I shouldn't be dreading something I should be thankful for. And believe me, I'm so excited, thankful to God, and so happy that Jarryd and I get to spend an entire week in the best country ever  Canada. ;) <3 This whole ordeal was one of those times where I just needed to tell my brain to "shut up" and allow my heart to be a heart of thankfulness again.

So there was that. And then there was this overwhelming feeling of lostness...

Adrift.

Disoriented.

Misplaced.

Hidden.

Invisible.

Strayed.

Wandering.

Off-course.

I've lived here in Maryland for over two years and quite often feel all-of-the-above. (Is that too honest, or what?) I don't feel like I've found my place. I don't feel like I fit in. Amidst unattractive wet sobs I have said to Jarryd, "I've never felt so different in my life". To be honest I didn't think I'd feel much culture-shock moving here, but I feel it now, two years in more than ever.

When I feel like I'm different from everyone else and out of place, I begin to question everything about myself and my identity. I begin to feel like I'm losing who I am because I feel like familiarity is far and few between.

Fortunately, there are these times though when I meet someone new and feel a wonderful and warm connection with them and then I instantly have so much joy because I don't feel so out of place anymore. It feels like familiarity. It feels like my desire to know and especially be known is being fulfilled. I feel that sense of belonging that every soul on earth craves. There are seriously some wonderful people out there and I wish I could be surrounded by them all of the time.

Alas, I wish I felt that welcoming feeling from everyone I encountered. Unfortunately, many people I interact with make me feel like I'm too quiet. I'm too young. Like I need to build myself some thicker skin. Like I need to be more sarcastic, more obnoxious, and more aggressive in the way I speak. More crude. Never keep a serious conversation. Make everything a joke, yet don't smile too much. Make fun of everyone around me. Stop being so joyful. Keep a record of wrongs of every single person. Swing your moods a little more. Rid myself of all gentleness and learn to fight a good verbal fight.

I'm sure I've shared this quote before but I'm going to share it again because I LOVE IT:

I begin to question my talents, gifts, and skills until my mind decides for me that they're not actually talents, gifts, and skills. That I'm just a fake, pretending like I know what I'm doing. Or that I'm just kidding myself! But I know my God is bigger than my doubts, and according to Him I'm work of art and can create works of art. Please brain, you need to quiet down!

I know there are people out there like me, who feel the same way I do. Who believe that yes, the world is beautiful and that kindness, warmth, and welcoming-ness all go a long way.

As found in Galatians 5:22-23 But the Fruit of the Spirit is:

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Self-Control.

Gentleness.

Goodness.

Faithfulness.

Instead of feeling lost, I want to feel all of the things above! I want to be the Fruits of the Spirit. And I can because my identity and sense of belonging are not found in where I live, who I know, or what I do. My identity is in Jesus and I absolutely refuse to let anyone around me change that, because they can't.

I'm thankful for the little BIG thoughts that God pops into my head to remind me of His promises.
I'm thankful to Jarryd for always always always being my proverbial "home away from home", he is my biggest sense of familiarity here in Maryland, and my best friend in the whole entire world.
I'm thankful to the people who have shown such great kindness to me, for giving me "mom hugs" and making me giggle with their "dad jokes".
I'm thankful for the--seldom--cashiers who carry on a conversation with me as if we've known each other forever (Dear Starbucks cashier, I don't even know your name but I'm pretty sure we're best friends. Thank you for bonding with me over Pumpkin Spice Lattes).
Thank you to the friends who aren't afraid to talk about the hard things. Thank you for your authenticity and not pretending to be perfect.
Thank you to the people who SMILE and say HELLO.
Thank you to the few people here who actually get my sense of humour. (It's a rare humour but it's actually the best, hee hee!)
Thank you to the girls who let me into the soccer game for free because I forgot to bring cash. Your act of kindness blew me away and it's not forgotten.
Thank you to my long-distance friends/sisters/family who don't mind me venting to them about how hard it gets here sometimes. Thank you for listening, encouraging, and always pointing me to the Truth! (You know who you are!!)
And thank you to the ones who take the time to read my blog. I know I don't always make alot of sense. I know I can be quite vague at times, more mysterious than I'd like to be, but I appreciate you guys hearing reading me out. I get so much joy out of blogging and I appreciate each and every one of you and the encouraging comments and private messages you send me. Your words seriously make my day!! <3

See brain! There's always SOMETHING to be thankful for. Always something to feel joy about. God is so good. :)

Vienna Waits For You.

Slow down you crazy child,

You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart tell me,

Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out

You got so much to do and only

So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion, you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while

It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

{Billy Joel}

P.S- Any other 90's kids else get major cravings to watch 13 Going On 30 after hearing this song?! I LOVE IT!!

Groceries.

Life has been BUSY you guys! Jarryd and I both work full-time jobs with pretty similar hours. After work he's got his soccer-coaching gig and I've got my cake-decorating gig. It's a GOOD kind of busy because we're busy doing the things we love! It's pretty sweet how we've both learned so much about each others' passions in the short time we've been married. Jarryd didn't know how much work actually went into baking and decorating cakes and cupcakes, and I certainly didn't know how much thought and strategy went into being a soccer coach. I've never heard so much about 4-3-3 and 4-3-2 and 2-3-1 and 9-0-2-1-0 formations in my life! {HA, I totally made that last one up.} ;)

Whenever Jarryd and I have a spare moment together it's usually spent eating our supper in front of the tv and enjoying some Gilmore Girls, and then occasionally pausing it to talk about how our days went. We just can't get enough!! Besides bedtime, that is absolutely our favourite time of the day! <3

I can just feel that Fall is right around the corner because I'm gettin' that undeniable craving to listen to all of Taylor Swifts' albums, new and old. It can't be stopped, you guys! The second reason that I know fall is around the corner is because the grocery store FINALLY released Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer. Apparently I missed the memo because the first time I checked, all they had left was the Sugar-Free version {blech!}. But the second time, they were fully stocked with extra-sugary Pumpkin Spice creamer. Mmm... I'm drinking it as I type actually.

It's actually a good thing I bought that creamer because it saves me money in the long run. For example, the thought of dropping by Starbucks on my commute home from work lingered in my mind UNTIL I remembered I had Pumpkin Spice creamer waiting for me at home. Why buy the milk when you already have the cow at home, right? {HA! Did I butcher that "saying" or what?!}

But then I'm seriously conflicted inside because the Starbucks PSL won't be around forever, so why wouldn't I just get it while I can, right?! Sigh...

Speaking of the grocery store, I am there ALL THE TIME. For real! It's because every time I get a cake order there's always some type of ingredient that I need to stock up on. Well, yes that's true, but it's not the whole truth. Whenever we run out of chips I head to grocery store. Yes, chips are the only reason I need to go grocery shopping. {Lately I've been really into Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili--but you didn't actually need to know that...unless you feel the need to send me some in the mail?! Yes?!}

Also, seeing as I am person of routine, I really wish I had ONE grocery store to shop at. You know? Like one that has every single item that you need, all at a great price. But I don't! I actually jump around four different grocery stores. Not in ONE trip, silly. In one trip I'll jump to a maximum of two stores. I alternate depending on what I need.
1) Aldi: They have spectacular prices that just can't be beat! Also, they have the cart system where you need a quarter in order to take a cart out, and then when you put your cart back in, you get your quarter back. {I like this because it reminds me of the grocery stores back home in Canada!} Despite all these great things, they don't have much selection, a.k.a they don't have the chips I like.
2) Safeway: I really like Safeway because it's nicest looking grocery store around and they have a fantastic produce selection. It's where I like to buy mangos and apples. ;) They also have a Starbucks right at the entrance....so yeahhhh. {need I say more?!} There's nothing better than grocery shopping with a PSL, right?! Anyway, I was going here pretty frequently until I read in the news about someone getting assaulted right outside in the parking lot!! I'm kind of hesitant to go grocery shopping there now, especially since I usually go alone! :S
3) Food Lion: They're the closest grocery store to us, so when we're in a pinch we go here. But it's definitely nothing special...like I honestly have nothing to say about it right now...
4) Wal-Mart. I know, I know, how could I?! Bring on the haters. Trust me, I don't like Wal-Mart either. BUT they're the only store near me that sells cake decorating products at a pretty dang good price. {They also sell the Pioneer Woman kitchen brand, which makes it feel a little more "Targety" inside} But let me tell you, Wal-Mart in this area is super sketchy, like incredibly janky. I purposely dress down when I go just so I don't stand out too much. And then there's Wal-Mart in Canada, it's just absolutely gorgeous. {I take that back, "gorgeous" is a strong word...}. It's more decent and clean-looking I should say. Also, people get shot at this Wal-Mart here, and yet I still go. It must be the cake-decorating motivation inside of me that just can't be bothered, you know?

Since we're still on the topic of grocery stores, I'm actually a huge fan of the whole "self-checkout" ordeal. I love avoiding any possible chance of awkward small-talk with cashiers. Seriously, I never know what to say when after asking a cashier how they're doing and they reply with in the most depressing tone "oh you know, hangin' in there" or "as good as I can be for being here" or "it's Monday, so enough said". Like, what am I supposed to say? "Thank you for making me feel guilty for asking you about your well-being..."?
Oh well, I feel I'm allowed to comment on cashier-etiquette only because I used to be one. Good times!

How You Made Them Feel.

"She said, 'i've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that everyday you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have alot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'"

{Maya Angelou}

I love that quote so much because of its' incredible truth. I always remember how people made me feel. I'll always remember how disheartened someone left me feeling, and I'll always remember how safe another person left me feeling. I'll always remember the person whom after spending the day with, left me feeling encouraged within my circumstances, inspired to love more, and thankful to Jesus for the people he's placed in my life. {I can't even count on my hands the number of loved ones in my life who make me feel this way! They're such blessings to me!}

And then...there's the people whom after spending time with, leave me feeling unsettled, exhausted, discouraged, sad, and disappointed. They're the kind of people you dread to see again. It's especially a battle for me because my INFJ personality, I'm like a sponge! I soak up the emotions around me, including every ounce of negative emotion. {Let's just say my dreams of becoming a therapist/counsellor didn't last long--I would have come home from work everyday an emotional basketcase!!} I often wish I could just be one of the people who simply brushes off the negative comments or vibes as if they never happened, someone with impermeable walls. BUT that's the thing with putting up walls, sure you block out the negative stuff, but you also then block out the positive stuff too!

The other day I did something dumb...I looked to the internet for emotional guidance {haha!}. I asked google something along the lines of "how to block other people's negative energy" and I got some hooey-phooey err...interesting advice about envisioning your brain as a house with four walls lifting your roof open to positive vibes only. {If that kind of stuff works for you, that is great...but for me personally, I think I'll run to Jesus for this instead}.

Back to the topic at hand, I wonder how I make people feel. Do people feel happy when they're with me? Do I leave them feeling encouraged, warm, and hopeful? {<---If not, then that's my goal!}

I struggle with the fear that I don't love people enough or that I'm not thoughtful enough. I'm afraid that I don't say enough and yet I'm afraid that sometimes I may say too much.
It's frustrating when I try so hard to show love and kindness to those around me and it isn't reciprocated. For instance, my work is a very busy place and we see hundreds of faces a day. I try to say "hello" and acknowledge every person I encounter. But when somebody doesn't even say anything back, it actually irritates me and causes me to stop saying the first "hello" to anyone after that. And then I get hit with a wave of guilt for not reaching out to others because what if somebody I walked right past was having a really bad day, or was feeling especially invisible or unloved that day? For some, a simple "hello" can mean the world to them. {I know there are moments for me when it really brightens my day!}

I hate when I have such a bad attitude going on in my mind that it manages to leak out to those least suspecting; I never want to be caught with snippy one-liners but it gets the best of me every now and then, unfortunately.

I think I spend so much energy trying to be "a light" for others {the kind of light that points people to Jesus} that I forget about the One who I'm doing it for, the one true light.

"Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying 'I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life". {John 8:12}

What I'm Thinkin' Is...

Blog posts where I write down all of my current most random thoughts are my favourite kind of blog posts! I find them to the be the most down-to-earth and at the same time so real and organic that it's on the verge of being almost too boring to read. Right? :P

I mean, do people actually care about my random thoughts? Speaking of, I just posted a photo to dear ole' Instagram holding my disposable Starbucks cup in front of my new world map from Ikea, casually stating how I like to take my Caramel Macchiatos. See below:

WHO cares?! Not gonna lie, the Instagram culture makes me laugh. People claim to be real and authentic, yet it takes them ridiculously long to shoot the perfect photo of a #flatlay scheme, ridiculously long to edit the photo, and ridiculously long to decide on the "perfect" caption. And the hashtags are a whole 'nother story; they are cheesy beyond belief. Take #myunicornlife for example. Does anyone actually have a so-called "unicorn life"? What is this "unicorn life" they speak of? And then there's #theeverydaygirl, what is an "everyday girl"?!

I think the funniest thing about it though, is that I AM ONE OF THEM. I am guilty of doing all of the above, especially the part about the "unicorn life" hashtag. Yep. But hey, at least I can admit that I'm crazy when social media's involved, and most importantly I can do all of this, all the while admit that I don't take myself too seriously.

Honestly, it's kinda fun having a little space on the internet where I can portray the best of my best; my best days, my best moments, my best home decor, and my best baked goods {all in the best natural lighting of course}. ;) Plus, Instagram is a creative's dream social media outlet; where artistic personalities are admired and celebrated!

Anyway, I intended for that to be the introduction to my list of random thoughts, but it seems that I went off on a bit of a tangent and thus it appears I already provided a random thought. So let's continue, shall we?

One of the best feelings in the world is when you get a brand new album and you listen to each song once, already picking and choosing what your favourites are just from the first listening session. And slowly but surely the song you didn't like at first eventually becomes your new favourite! I also love the feeling when I'm at work and think to myself, "I can't wait for my 25 minute drive home because that means I get to listen to ______ on repeat!!"

But that brings me to my next point...one of the worst feelings in the world is when you've listened to your new favourite album one too many times and you're left with absolutely nothing worth listening to and all you have to turn to is FM radio. *tear*

One of the most---I'll go with---interesting things about the American culture, at least in this part of America, is that acquaintances/practically strangers will tell you all about their day without even being asked to. I rarely have to ask anyone anymore about their day because they don't even give me a chance to. I guess it's just frustrating because where I'm from in Canada, the normal social etiquette is quite different, take this for example:

Person: "Hello!"

Me: "Hi! How are you? What is new?!"

Person: "I am good! We just did ____ and ____! How about you??"

Me: "Well, I am ____ but____ happened and now_____."
Person: " Oh wow that's interesting! _____"

And the conversation just flows nicely because both parties have had a chance to express how they're doing. Doesn't that just sound oh-so lovely?!

However, the American culture {in the area I live, and especially in the area I work--and I understand it's different from State to State} goes somewhat like this {PLEASE NOTE: Of course, not every single person is like this, it's just the majority}:

Person: "Hi how are ya?!"

Me: "Hello, I'm goo--"

Person: "OH MAN, last night I went to _____"

Or....

Person: "Hi Jenny. So I have ____ and ____ going on and ____ and _____ ....blah blah blah".

The end.

Let's just say I've learned the annoyingly hard way that "how are you" is not actually a question it's just a part of how they say hello. Sigh.

Anyway, I need to move on before I start embracing that cranky feeling...

Food-wise, this last weekend was tough because Jarryd and I skipped our weekly grocery shopping trip. Therefore, we had NO chips in our pantry. Having a chip-less apartment takes tv-watching 5 notches down on the fun-scale. But fear not, yesterday I finally went grocery shopping and bought 3 bags. :D

In lieu of "Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life" coming out this year, {eeeeee!!!} we have started up Gilmore Girls all over again. This may be my 4th or 5th time watching the seasons back-to-back. Don't judge me. For some reason, Jarryd and I are watching 3 tv shows at once, "Gilmore Girls", "The Office", "Chrisley Knows Best", and "Pretty Little Liars". Again, don't judge me. Some may see tv-watching as a waste of time, but I see it as a bonding/social activity. Jarryd and I are always hitting the pause button so we can express our opinions to each other about what just happened on the screen.

See the shirt I'm wearing in the above photo? Yeah, I bought that at Plato's Closet back in June. It's now practically September and I FINALLY had the guts to wear it in public last weekend. Isn't that hilarious? It has holes in the shoulder which make it just so....so...adventurous and bold. And now that I've worn it in, I think I'll keep wearing it. Although it was slightly uncomfortable as I kept thinking that my straps were falling down because my shoulders felt "airy".

If you're ever in our apartment's kitchen and you see chunks of buttercream frosting on the walls, and icing sugar on the bottom cupboards, that's normal. This week's buttercream-wall-decor is a nice light purple. I'm contemplating just leaving it there...

Whenever new people I meet ask me what kind of music I like to listen to, other than immediately blurting out "Taylor Swift", I never know what to say. I like For King & Country, but I also like The 1975. I like Lauren Daigle, but I also like Selena Gomez, Hilary Duff, and Ariana Grande. I like Bethel, but I also like Alessia Cara, Sara Bareilles, and Ellie Goulding. Should I just say that with the exception of the first two bands, that I like to listen to female singers? Sounds good. Glad we got that figured out.

So remember how in a previous blog post I said I'd be reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants all summer? Well, I haven't picked the book up since I wrote that blog post and summer is almost over! I am the WORST reader ever!! Perhaps if it were a TV show instead then I'd get through it quicker...

This morning I was an hour late to work because...I totally did not set an alarm last night. Isn't that crazy?! How does one forget to set their alarm? All I remember waking up in the morning thinking to myself, "wow, for some reason this has felt like a nice long sleep tonight..." {Little did I know...} :P

I miss Canada...alot...and I think it misses me too.

This last weekend I went to a friend's baby shower, and it was insanely creatively planned. FOR EXAMPLE: When you went to the drink table, you were supposed to put an ice-cube-baby in your drink cup and when your ice cube completely melted you were supposed to shout "my water broke!"

Like, there is a tiny plastic baby in my cup...isn't this the FUNNIEST thing ever?! Granted, having moved to the US I have missed thousands of my friends' and family's baby showers back home, this whole ice-cube-baby thing could be totally routine by now. But hey, it got a huge laugh outta me!

Jarryd just starting coaching high school boys' soccer and I couldn't be prouder!! He's totally in his element with this; isn't it so cool seeing your spouse doing what they love?! {Now, I haven't seen him coach yet, but I absolutely plan on it! I can't wait!} But for now, I'm loving the glorious alone-time that I get while he's at practice. :) Hee hee!

Back to Gilmore Girls, I have this thing, whenever Lorelai cries, I cry. The other night Jarryd looks over at me, "are you really crying right now? Really?", and I reply with "wha? huh? um...no...OK FINE I'm crying. Ugh, it's not my fault that Lauren Graham just has the most contagious cry in the history of female actors".

Last weekend I made buttercream frosting and I poured 3 whole 2 lb-bags of Confectioners Sugar into my mixer. That's 6 lbs, people! Which is also over 18 cups of sugar. {And I'm not even going to tell you how much butter I cut into that thing!} I have never loved my 6-QT Bowl-Lift Professional 600 Series Pink KitchenAid Stand Mixer as much as I did then. I wanted to plant a kiss on its' beautiful motor but I concluded that that would've been unsanitary. Here's a photo of my 28 lb beauty so we'll never forget... <3

I think I write this in every single one of my "random thoughts" blog posts, but hey it still rings true: I hate showering. Ughhh. Like, I need a shower right now quite badly and it's going to take every ounce of my strength to get into that damp, white prison. I'd rather write a long list of things I could be doing INSTEAD of washing my hair. Ah well, I'm still thankful for running water, don't worry.... :'(

Well, I think that's enough random thoughts for one blog post, eh? Until next time, my sweet friends! :)

Dearest Future Self,

August is almost over, I repeat, August is almost OVER. This is absolutely crazy!!
For the past two (or so) months Jarryd and I have been planning my family's trip out to Maryland; most of our energy has gone into anything and everything relating to their visit from  grocery lists, to bed/sleeping situations, itinerary, activities, places to see, and what baked-goods to make.

You spend all of the days leading up to their arrival just planning like crazy--striving for it to be perfect; and then after they leave you say to yourself, "hmm, now what? My brain is oddly quiet right now".

I doubt most people get as excited about their parents' visiting as I did this last time around. The last time I saw them was at Christmas and that was up in Canada! So this time, they flew all the way out here to beautiful Maryland. I'm tellin' you, it is SO cool when your two worlds collide (those being my Canadian world and my American world).
FINALLY my family got to see our new apartment and just see how we live our life here in general. The last time they were out here in Maryland, Jarryd and I had been married a little over a month, so that hardly even counted. We weren't "settled in" at all!

They left to go back home to Canada on Sunday and ever since then I've just felt nothing but thankfulness. I mean, I'm thankful to God all the time for my life, but recently it's been an overwhelming thankfulness. Being with my family again reminded me of how blessed I am to have been raised by two of the most amazing people I've ever known. Through them, God has given me an incredible 25 years of life, experiences, and adventures.

Everytime I look back at photos of myself that were taken on all my adventures in Canada, Europe, USA, ect, I try to read my face as best as I can; I look for any indication, ANY slight indication at all that I'm grasping just how good I have it. So often I want to go back in time, stand before myself, reach out and shake my own shoulders screaming, "do you know how amazing your life is right now?! I don't think so because I remember when this photo was taken and how you weren't actually very happy at the time. Jenny, you are crazy for ever NOT being happy!".

Sigh. I see pictures of myself standing with all of my best friends and wish I knew then that I was probably never going to be in the same room with all of those wonderful people at one time again. I wish I knew then how lucky I was to have so many friends who lived just a few minutes from my house. Nowadays, making friends isn't so simple.

I see pictures of myself lying on the grass on our old farm and wish I knew then that one day I'd be living in an apartment situated between 4 major U.S cities, longing to have that much space to roam again. I often wonder if I'll ever have that much peace and privacy to myself ever again.

I see pictures of myself at my high school graduation and wish I knew then what an amazing chapter of life I was going through. I had finally graduated and I literally could go anywhere and be anything that I wanted to be--and all I wanted to do was rush through it. It's sobering to think how every single choice I made back then was so crucial and life-altering.

If I never would have felt so career-oriented and brave I never would have gone to University in B.C. If I never would have felt so longingly for a change in scenery/way of life/school dynamic I never would have gone to Germany for Bible school.
If I never would have felt so passionate about continuing my degree in Christian ministry I never would have gone to Bible school in Saskatchewan.
If I never would have had my own kitchen in my dorm room there where I realized how much I actually enjoyed cooking and baking I never would have applied to Culinary School in Ontario.
If I never would have met Jarryd during my time in Germany and committed to long-distance dating and later said yes marriage, I would have never moved to Maryland, US.
If I never would have moved to Maryland, I don't think I'd ever appreciate the beauty of friendship the way I do now. I don't think I'd realize how warm, friendly, and welcoming my home country of Canada really is. I don't think I'd fully appreciate to the extent that I do now, how wonderful it was growing up in a Christian community surrounded by a huge support system of friends and family. I don't think I'd truly appreciate how fantastic it is to meet a person so friendly and genuine, and to realize how infrequent these types of people come around (so when you meet one, make sure you hold onto them).

All of these choices and decisions I made based on feeling "at-peace" with it all, have led me to this place: 25 years old, married for over 2 years, living in an entirely different country, working as a cook, exploring the beautiful country of the US of A, and sharpening my baking skills by doing cake/cupcake orders. Sometimes I STILL can't believe where I'm at right now!

I bet, in 5 years I'm going to look back at this moment, this memory, and say to myself, "you had it SO good Jenny. Your life was incredible at 25. How could you not have been truly happy?"

And my future self is right! There's something exciting about where Jarryd and I are at right now. It's just the two of us, no kiddos yet, and no careers that have the "power" to keep us tied down to hanging our hats in one specific area. Truthfully, we could pack up and move anywhere right now. If we really wanted, we could hand in our two-weeks-notices at work tomorrow and pack up and move within the following weeks. We could live anywhere we want to. It's exciting and nerve-wracking and overwhelming and thrilling! To think, this time next year we could be living in another town, another state, or another COUNTRY even! OR, we could just be in this exact same spot a year from now, here in Maryland (which...truthfully...doesn't give me any butterflies whatsoever, haha!).

God places us right where He wants us, doesn't he? It's only a matter of opening your ears to what He has in mind. Right now we're just praying for wisdom and discernment. Praying to be active in our faith and to be aware of all opportunities He lays out for us. We're exploring our options and trying to grow in Christ in the meantime.

So dearest future self (30-year-old Jenny), I'm here to tell you in August of 2016, I am truly happy and am truly thankful. I have it so good, and I don't have it good because of anything that I've done, but because of what God has done! :) <3

Sisterhood

"'Ahhhhhh,' Lena said as she waded in. It was funny to hear her voice aloud. Her thoughts and perceptions usually existed so deep inside her, they rarely made it to her surface without deliberate effort. Even when she saw something genuinely funny on television, she never laughed out loud when she was alone." {Ann Brashares}

Yep, you guessed it. I'm reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series again. The first book came out in 2001 when I was only 10 years old, and the movie came out when I was 14. I'm pretty positive I never actually read the books until I was at least 13 {I was too busy reading The Christy Miller series, obviously...}.

Call me a total cheeseball but I LOVE these books and I LOVE these movies even more! I would honestly just love to have a "sisterhood" of my own, made up of just me and three amazing women. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in present-day tense a "sisterhood" would actually be more commonly referred to as a "squad", yeah? Well, whatever, I like sisterhood better! "Squads" are more like acquaintance friends who just take selfies together. "Sisterhoods" meet around candlelight in old yoga studios, mail blue jeans around the world, and jump off cliffs. Am I right?!

These books and movies will always remind me of my trip to Israel in early 2011.

HOW on earth does one connect ISRAEL and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants together?! Well, my old college roomie/bestie would watch the movies whenever we had some downtime after a crazy day of traveling and touring. {Char, if you're reading this...I miss you terribly!!} We actually watched it twice during the whole trip. Don't worry, we didn't watch it during the day when we could've been outside exploring THE HOLY LAND. It was always late in the evening when it was too unwise of us to be outside roaming the streets in the dark. You know? For real though, the one time the two of us did walk the market late in the evening we were legitimately stalked. Then again, I got stalked AGAIN during pure daylight in a CHURCH.

{Despite all of the stalking, it was a country where I'd never felt safer. I'd feel safer walking around Israel than I would Maryland, to be honest.}

Oh man, all of the amazing memories are flooding back. {If you've never read about my trip to Israel, you really should!! I actually really enjoy going back to these old blog posts and laughing at my hilarious 19-year-old self--and the photos are awesome too. It truly was a fantastic season of life for me and I can't keep from thanking God for orchestrating such an incredible event in my life! He is SO good. Click HERE to read them!!}

ANYWAYS...back to Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is made up of four girls--Tibby {rebellious, sarcastic, blunt}, Bridget {courageous, confident, reckless}, Carmen {hot-tempered, introspective, passionate}, and Lena {quiet, stunningly gorgeous, introverted}.

In regards to relating to the characters, I always felt like I was Lena--and the paragraph I quoted up at the top is totally totally me. I'm artistic, I'm more quiet than the average joe, I'm introverted, ect., and I was always convinced that guys only liked me for my looks/didn't trust guys. {Just to be clear I do not think that I have that breathtakingly-beautiful-Mediterranean-Greek-Goddess-beauty about me like Lena does--which is pretty much her biggest "struggle"}. I wish, haha!

So yes, I always felt like I was Lena, but who I reeeeeally wanted to be was Bridget. Oh my goodness. Who wouldn't want to be a brave, confident, athletic, long-blonded soccer-superstar?! {In reality, she's the TOTAL opposite of me haha! Except for the long blonde hair thang...} Maybe it's because Blake Lively played her character in the movies and I just love her to bits?

But, as the years have gone by I have learned to fully embrace my Lena-ness and I truly love the quirky introverted self that God created me to be. It feels good. {I'm just glad I'm not Tibby, haha! Oops, did I say that aloud?}

I'm only 130 pages into the first book, and there's 5 books in total, sooooo, I know what I'm doing this summer! Haha! {P.S- *Spoiler Alert* one of the four girls dies in the last book. Crazy, right?! Hope I didn't ruin it for any of y'all.}

Is there any one of my blog readers who actually likes these books and/or movies? Or am I just the only one? Speak up! :D

Why am I a Cook?

As most of you probably know, I LOVE learning about personalities and doing personality assessments is one of my favourite activities. {Myers-Briggs is the best!} I have this habit of when meeting someone new, I read them and fit them into little personality boxes with labels such as thinker/doer/logical/passionate/emotional/risk-taker/shy/outgoing for example. And because everyone knows that first impressions are never reliable when it comes to making judgements about someone, this person will do something out of that little personality box I made for them and completely surprise me. And then I'm all out of sorts and have to figure out a new box for them. It's as if I'm just asking to be surprised. {It makes me wonder if I ever surprise anyone about my personality...}

And it's rare that I'll meet someone and think "wow, what an awful personality"; 99% of the time I think to myself "wow, I love their personality--I sure hope it rubs off on me because I really admire ______ about them".

^ Oh man, does anybody else do this?! And why do I do this to myself, you ask? I have no idea. It keeps my mind entertained that's for sure. I just find people and their little quirks so interesting.

I read somewhere that one of the worst jobs for an INFJ personality such as myself, is being a cook. AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO FOR 40 HOURS A WEEK. How does this even make sense?

I think when it said "cook" it was most likely implying culinary jobs such as "line cook" or "sous chef"--something extremely high-pressure. I work neither of those jobs. My position at work is more along the lines of "assistant to the chef/prep cook". My top priority at work is prepping ingredients for the fruit and salad bar (which means alot of chopping--which I LOVE!}.

BUT, just because my position isn't extremely-pressurized doesn't mean I'm free of that. In fact, I am surrounded by co-workers whose positions are that way. I am surrounded by high stress.
And anybody who knows INFJ's we loathe pressure, stress, negativity, feeling rushed, loud distracting environments, chaos, and too much social interaction. These are all of the things I experience at work--this is exactly what goes on in a commercial kitchen.

In regards to other people surprising me about their personalities, in this area of my life, I completely and totally surprise myself! Seriously! I often wonder if my friends or family can even picture me being a cook because I don't fit the personality type of a cook. {I'm not one to swear like a sailor, you know?}

I also wonder how I've survived this long in the culinary industry. It's been over 3 years of food-service jobs for me and that's actually a long time. In all honesty, I don't dread going to work. I truly enjoy my job and what I do. Absolutely, there are things about my job that I wish I could change; but the positives outweigh the negatives by far.

Positives About My Job:
Routine full-time hours
Routine tasks of working with my hands and still room for creativity
Small team of co-workers (6 of us in total)
A great boss!
Benefits/Vacation Pay/Sick pay ect.
Constantly learning new things/picking up new skills
Eating delicious food and trying new foods
I get to wear a white chef jacket. Woo!

Negatives About My Job:
Loud environment so it's hard to carry meaningful conversations
On my feet the entire time/actually quite physically demanding on the feet and legs {this is the worrrrsssst!}
At times stressful/chaotic/negative
Lack of privacy and socially draining
Waking up at 5 AM {actually this one is the worst!}

I still think it's interesting how I ended up being a cook. Sometimes at work when I am tired of standing and socially drained I find myself day dreaming about what it'd be like hidden from the world in a little cubicle, sitting in a comfy office chair, typing random numbers with my keyboard, with cheesy family photos pinned up all around me, a hot coffee next to my own computer, and my hair and makeup all done wearing a pencil skirt and high heels, and easy access to myself cell phone all day long. Sometimes I think I may have been better suited for a data-entry type job...

Oh well. Often our jobs and careers hold alot of weight in what we consider our identity to be. People might think "Oh she's a cook, so she must be ____, ____, and _____". Yes, I'm a cook but believe me, I'm soooo out of the norm when it comes to chef personalities. I cannot fit into a little chef box. I do not connect my identity to my career; to me they are separate. The only connection there is FOOD--I love food and working with food. Being a cook has never been my dream job and it never will. Is it so wrong for me to say that I'm really only working at my job for stable paycheck and the benefits?

Haha, it sounds wrong in a way...but I'm just there for the money. This doesn't negate the fact that this job is a HUUUUUGE blessing and that I'm incredibly thankful for it! Not at all! God is providing for Jarryd and I and He chose this job for me in this season of life at this time for His specific reasons. He Has me right where He wants me and I am quite content because I make a DAILY decision to live a life of thankfulness and gratitude which lead to contentment. :)

P.S- What is my current DREAM JOB? I would LOVE to be a foodie/baker/dessert blogger. Have a baking business, take photos of my creations, and blog all about it. AT HOME. {Hermits and homebodies for the win!} I'd also like to have a cat, a very very very affectionate and loving cat. Who knows, maybe I'll get there one day. :) <3

July Joy.

Wow. Hello my long lost friend--my blog!! I have missed you.

It's currently the 9th of July and things are finally starting to slow down...for the most part.

When I started my new full-time job back at the beginning of February, it was also the time when Jarryd and I had been going to a new church for a little over a month and were both trying to get plugged in there.

Jarryd joined a Bible study group, and I ended up joining TWO. I know that probably doesn't sound that crazy to you, but these Bible studies each had thick books {aside from The Bible} that we were working through--this meant lots and lots of homework. So all the while I was adjusting to a new job and new schedule, I was dedicating most of my time to my new groups. Each group meeting was between 2-3 hours a week, plus when you add all of the in-depth heart-wrenching deep-digging homework to, that takes up alot of time.

But guess what? All of our groups have come to an end! It's bittersweet because we met some pretty great people through it and it's unfortunate not being able to see them on a regular basis now. But we have SOOOO much time now. ...Well, I wouldn't say SOOOO much time, but in comparison to what we used to have, we definitely do!

I'm excited! Having free evenings and weekends again means that I can focus more attention to my baking. AND BLOGGING because blogging is one of my favourite things to do! Hee hee!

I just want to learn anything and everything in the realm of baking! I am following some pretty talented baker accounts on Instagram and it's nothing short of inspiring! Although at the same time when I see their edible works of art and I just feel instantly intimidated. WOW. I can't believe I thought my creations were even semi good--because these are just flawless! Apparently I stink. <<--{These are called bad thoughts! Don't try this at home!}

I'm just being real, yo. {Yo? Really, Jennifer?} I have moments where I lose all motivation to be in the kitchen. When I assess the situation I realize that this loss of motivation stems from either a really dirty kitchen {DISHES EVERYWHERE GAH}, lack of sleep, or lack of introvert/alone time. {Ahhh gotta love that coveted introvert time...} Once those vital three are taken care of, then I get these beautiful little bursts of enthusiasm to bake and try and fail and cry and then try again! It's a wonderful cycle.

So yeah, to be honest {a.k.a "real, yo"} I'm pretty pleased with life right now. And it's only only ONLY because I have learned where to find my true joy. JESUS! Life is so much better when you strive to keep your focus on eternity and not on the things directly around you. If my joy and attitude depended on the people around me, I would be such a miserable person. In my opinion, there's enough negativity in this world and Jesus is my answer to my question of "how do I rise above it all?".

I'm not sure at all where I was going with this blog post. Perhaps I just wanted to give an update on my life currently? Yes, let's go with that. :)

It's been a great Saturday. I've been baking and cooking all afternoon so, that's pretty self-explanatory. Plus, I've gotten some much needed introvert time. Not as much as I'd prefer, but just enough to get me through. :P

The Hardest Weeks.

For those of you who don't know, at my new church I joined a "Freedom Group". It's a little group made up of around eight adult women.

Relationship with Jesus = Freedom, and our group is essentially on the pursuit of Freedom.

Amazingly enough we are already 10 weeks in. Lives are changing, we're all making the choices on a DAILY basis to love and forgive; and from this, relationships have been restored!
I personally, have found beauty in authenticity. I used to think I was a pretty open person, but I guess I was just open about the more "shallow" less boat-rocking things. My decision to be vulnerable and authentic with those around me has been a great one; I wouldn't change it for the world.

It's been an emotional, exhausting, and incredible 10 weeks so far.

In just a little over two weeks we have an all-campus wide Freedom retreat coming up. Our leaders have told us that it's such a powerful weekend, which makes me excited and yet slightly nervous. I always get a little nervous when it comes to the unknown...

And now, to the heavy stuff. In our last session, we studied demons.
1) Demons are real.
2) Demons want to destroy you.
3) Demons respond to a higher authority.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
but against the rulers,
against the authorities,
against the powers of this dark world
and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
{Ephesians 6:10-12}

The more we KNOW about how the devil wants nothing more than to devour us and help us make choices that will ruin our lives, the more aware we are of the spiritual battle that is going on all around us. And the more we know about the battle, the harder it all becomes.

Our leaders told us yesterday that the weeks from now up until the retreat are probably going to be the hardest. They say this because God is doing such incredible things through us and because we are so deep in the Word, the devil hates that and schemes even harder because of it.
Our group meets every Tuesday and all of us can attest that Tuesdays have not been our finest days and we can absolutely see the devil trying to convince us to stay home and miss a session of growing in our relationship with Christ.

As for the statement about the next weeks being the toughest, I thought in reply of "hmm...we'll see."

That was yesterday.
And as for today? Today has been pretty crappy {excuse my French}. No, not pretty crappy. I take that back. It's been SO crappy.

I went from having one of the most awesome weekends spent up in New Jersey with friends, a great evening at Freedom group, to today: a day of heartbreak, stress, tears, worry, and utter hopelessness.

As soon as I got home I went straight to my bed and laid in that dark room for an hour; it was a long hour of heart racing, tears falling, and Jesus calling. {That's something I've learned in Freedom Group, when you simply don't know what to pray, just say Jesus' name over and over again. Non-believers may say it casually or even mockingly, but believers say it with power. We say it victoriously.}

And then, for some odd reason I picked myself up out of bed, retreated from that dark room and baked 84 mini and 12 standard-sized banana chocolate chip oat muffins. Where did that energy come from?
And here I am now, sitting at the kitchen island blogging and asking myself, "do I really want to hit the Publish button"?

Yes, yes I do. I kind of have to, right? Especially after that entire spiel about being authentic.

Anyway, I apologize if this post seemed a little heavy on the doom-and-gloom side of the scale. I just I just wanted to be honest and real. <3

Anxiety, Burdens, & Grace.

Often I wonder why God made me the way that He did. I'm not referring to my physical self, but rather my emotional and mental self.

It takes no time at all for me to "burn out", in every aspect.
I feel stress so easily.
Anxiety is probably the biggest battle I've ever fought--and still fighting. I can go for days, sometimes a week or two at a time without feeling any sort of anxiety. Then, when I notice that I'm not feeling anxious, I'll start to feel anxious about not feeling anxious. It's as if I'm sitting on the edge of my seat in gut-wrenching suspense just knowing and waiting for it to hit, because it IS going to hit whether I'm "ready" or not. No matter how much time I spend with Jesus, no matter how much worship music I listen to, no matter how many Bible verses I read, it's still going to hit.

My anxiety and/or anxiety attacks consist of aloooooot of crying. For practically no reason at all. Also, I start to feel excessive amounts of dread...such as dreading a certain event, a certain person, or even going to bed because I know I'll be closer to a certain day that I'm dreading. Anxiety also shrinks my stomach; the more anxious I feel the smaller my appetite gets.

I feel like I'm a person who can't handle much. If we're talking plates, I am just a girl holding a saucer. My "plate" is a saucer, like half of the size of a normal entree plate. Therefore even though the amounts may be small to some, I constantly feel like "I have alot on my plate" because it's just a saucer. Then you have people like my husband, whose plates are more than just average-sized, they're like large serving platters. People like him only get caught stressing out about once a year. That, is amazing to me and I'm jealous of that fact.

I don't like telling others about how stressed out I am feeling or how I feel like I'm way too busy because I'll more than likely get a response like, "you don't know stress until you've worked a 60 hour week like me, you only work 40 hours so you don't understand", or "you don't know chaos until you become a mom, you have no idea", or "you just wait till blah blah blah, you don't even know how good you have it right now".
I don't want to hear that, I don't want to hear any of that! That's just disrespectful and full of judgement; people spew out statements like that as if they know my whole life story and the battles that go on inside my head. We all have our different plate sizes. The people who have normal plates don't understand me and my little saucer. Just like how I will never understand how women who work full-time jobs can somehow juggle two kids, a husband, a dog, church, Bible study, serving at the homeless shelter, work-out sessions, and time with friends on a weekly basis can even survive; I feel burnt out just thinking about this scenario.

It very much so helps me that my husband and I are vastly different in this way. I can't even imagine being married to someone like me. I'm NOT saying that he's not allowed to feel anxiety or stress, I'm only saying that I'm so thankful he doesn't feel it as often as I do/hardly ever. He doesn't really understand my struggle, but he tries he best to care for me; he helps keep me grounded and reminds me of God's promises to me. {He also knows when I need a Sunday afternoon spent in bed by myself watching movies and eating junk food.} :P

Having so small of a plate, I often wonder how God can use me. How can God use somebody like me to bring glory to His Kingdom? How can God use a girl like me who dislikes being busy, loathes not getting enough alone time, can hardly handle life without 8 hours of sleep a night, and struggles with anxiety?

I had pretty big fears about starting a full-time job. As someone who relishes in free-time, slow mornings/days, finding fulfillment in being productive at home, I knew that starting this full-time job and being out of the house for 10 hours a day would be HARD. But I also knew that we had been praying for a full-time job for me, and we had been praying for the extra income. Me working full-time was just something that needed to happen in order to help us reach our goals. I can't even believe this, but I'm already two months into my job now! And I'm still alive! This season of busyness is a struggle but I am adjusting, living, learning, seeking God, and taking it all day by day. {At least, I am trying to!}

The fact that I am handling this busy schedule, is a great encouragement to me. I have huge huge huge fears about becoming a mom one day simply for the reason that I'm rather selfish with my time. I grasp it so tightly that I can't picture myself letting go and giving all of that time and energy to a baby. So, if I can give 40 hours of my week and time and energy to a job and still live to tell the tale, I think maybe one day I can give 168 hours of my week to my own child. Plus, there is love in the mix. Obviously I wouldn't DIE for my job, but I will DIE happily for my own flesh and blood. Right? {Are you SEEING the places that my mind takes me on a regular basis?! I'm not even pregnant and I am already struggling with giving my time to my future child. As they say here in the US, "bless my heart"...but for real though...bless my heart!}

The question about whether or not God can use ME is one I have been asking for prayer about in my women's Bible study {Freedom group}. It's ridiculous how the Bible is filled with promises for me and yet I still choose to doubt it. I mean, my head believes it, but my heart has its moments where it wavers away from belief in those promises.

I'm learning alot from my Freedom Group, one is that if I'm the one carrying all of my burdens {my stresses, anxieties, worries, ect} then how can I be of any good to others? What kind of fruit will I bear? If I handle it all myself I can't give others the best parts of me, I'll only be giving them my tiredness, my crankiness, and my irritation. Right? And what good can that possibly do?
We need to carry burdens in life, if we don't, we are simply just living, and not being challenged. And when you're not challenged, there is no opportunity for growth.

"Then Jesus said, 'come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light" -Matthew 11:28-30.

Jesus says that HE will take all of our heavy burdens and exchange them for his light burdens. So Jesus can carry my stresses, anxieties, fears, and worries, and I can carry the light burden of loving God, loving myself, and loving others? This trade doesn't seem fair in the least bit. Well, neither was Jesus dying on the cross fair in the least bit. I don't deserve to have someone carry all of these things for me, I really don't. But that's why Jesus is so amazing; his grace is never-ending!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." -Ephesians 2:4-9

As for God using somebody like me...I have NO clue what He has in mind, but I like to think that He has created so many different personalities so that everyone can be reached in their own unique way. I don't know what God was thinking when He made me, :P {haha!} but I do believe with all my heart that we are capable of great things when we give Him our heavy burdens and let Him live through us. <3

Also, I don't know if any of this made any sense at all, but I appreciate you taking the time to read my crazy thoughts. Even if it did go in one ear and out the other, it felt good and therapeutic to type it all out nonetheless. :)