Sleepless.

I cried more this past weekend than I have in the few months of summer combined. It's as if I've been saving it all up for this very weekend. It's not like anything detrimental occurred either--such as a death in the family, a really tough goodbye, or a job loss.

Three words: lack of sleep. I think that's definitely what caused most of the tears. (Well, that and all the Grey's Anatomy episodes I invested in last week, which always make me cry like a baby).

The other night while lying in bed I experienced an anxiety attack. Thanks to the inevitable passing of days I am now emotionally detached from this event and I feel totally comfortable writing about it. Time heals all wounds right?
It was the first one I'd had since starting my new job three months ago, which is really good in leu of my track record. When I worked at my old job I'd get them pretty frequently because I've noticed having to wake up before 6 am for work (solely for work) is a trigger for it. Lord KNOWS I have such trouble getting myself to bed on time, which is why my previous work hours of 6 AM to 2:30 PM were a huge problem for me. I loathe not getting enough sleep.

I'm the kind of person who needs 8-10 hours of sleep a night to feel sweetly well-rested when waking up the following morning. Yes, I'm one of those people. My husband on the other hand can survive a 6 hour long night of sleep and actually function the next day; it completely boggles my mind. I'm very meticulous about sleeping hours too, constantly calculating the exact hours and half hours of sleep I'll accumulate if I go to bed at __(insert time here)__. I'd say I'm on the verge of obsessive.

With my new job I have to work every other weekend. So once every two weeks, I have to be in by 6 am on the Sunday, which means that those Saturday evenings/nights are awful for me. 
So this last Saturday night went a little something like this: First, I set my alarm, shut off the bedside lamp, turned onto my favourite side-sleeping-position and pulled the covers up to my ears. Thankfully, more times than not this is followed by me falling asleep, and callin' it a successful nights' sleep! Phew.

But this time around, it turned into a repetitive loop of random thoughts and images in my brain. Because I'm a chef, these thought loops typically resemble culinary-related subjects and events that I experience on a 40 hour a week basis. (I remember one time when I was in middle school I had a thought-loop of the America's Next Top Model show--it was incredibly annoying to say the least!)
This night in particular was about cleaning and seasoning chicken breasts. Over and over again, my goodness it just wouldn't end. If you haven't ever experienced these weird random thought-loop-hallucinations you'll never understand it and you probably think I'm a little nuts right now, but I'll try my best to enlighten you of this unfortunate weirdness of mine.

Rejection and the Wait for Something Better.

Well guys, once again it's time for another update of my super exciting, ever-changing life! Ha! Jokes. My life is definitely not that stimulating. In fact the exciting parts of my life seem to come in waves. And of course the rare time I actually do something fun and out of the ordinary, is the time when my co-workers don't decide to ask me what I did on my day off. Pfft. People only seem to ask me about it when it was a fun-filled day of scrubbing toilets...eating...grocery shopping...pulling out the long hairs from my vacuum cleaner head...and Netflix. Therefore making me appear to be just another run-of-the-mill-boring adult. Haha. We're all the same, aren't we?

Anyway, a couple of months ago I wrote a blog post about how I applied for a job (Click here to read)--one that I really really wanted. I experienced a very thorough interview and a high-hoped waiting process, only for it all to end with a crisply-folded rejection letter in the mail. Although your resume and qualities were impressive, we have decided to go with another candidate.Ick.

Whilst reading that letter and the few moments that followed, I was fine. OK, it's all good. Obviously this wasn't meant to be and now I can move on because God has closed this door, and now I don't have to think about it anymore!

BUT I DID. It was all I thought about for the next month. I'd been trying to ease my way out of the food industry and I thought this library job would be the PERFECT start to a new career. It's comfortably indoors, the environment is quiet, I get to wear nice clothes and do my hair every morning, be surrounded by books all day, interact with people, no more early mornings, and get paid to execute my obsession with organization! I even had the perfect Instagram bio already written out in my head: "librarian by day, baker by night". (LOL, not really.) Sigh. But those words of rejection stung, and of course I took it all a little personal.

God, am I not meant for something more? Is this my lot in life? To work at a job I'm unhappy at, one that makes me both mentally AND physically exhausted every single day? Am I no better than this?

To My 18-Year-Old Self

I'm seeing graduation posts pop up left and right on Facebook of my friend's younger siblings and my little cousins--who aren't so little anymore. Last month was their high school graduation and it's left me feeling a little sentimental and reminiscent. Trust me, I don't want to go back to high school, I'm perfectly fine being in this mid-twenties post-college married chapter of my life, and have zero desire to move backwards. But with all these high school graduations happening around me, my mind can't help but take me back to that beautiful time in my life when every choice I made was going to majorly impact the direction of my life. Oh nostalgia.

I'm 26 years old now and have lived exactly 8 years since my high school graduation. (Um, wow; this is a hard pill to swallow, considering I still feel like a teenybopper sometimes.) If my 26-year-old self magically showed up at my graduation and pulled my young-platinum-blonde-haired-bright-eyed-18-year-old self away for a few minutes to tell me what the next 8 years of my life were going to look like...I would not believe a word of it. There's no way! Would I be totally happy and pleasantly pleased with everything I'd hear? Honestly no, and that's only because I had such different expectations for my life at that time. I didn't know how much I was going to change the following years after high school and I especially didn't know the hardships I was going to face.  And I can't imagine being told in advanced the exact struggle I'm going to experience in a few years. I think it'd be the same concept if God laid out our entire future on this earth in front of us, our future according to HIS plans. I imagine there'd be some disappointment and/or confusion as it definitely wouldn't match up to our plans, but God knows best you guys. "The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

Besides a little shock and disappointment, some of the things I'd hear would absolutely blow me away! I mean, if I could I'd give myself a huge high-five! Way to Go, self! How'd you ever manage to pull that off?! WHO ARE YOU?!

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With that said, things I would say to my freshly graduated 18-year-old-self regarding my future:

One day, you're gonna wish you hadn't tanned so much. Look at those crows-feet next to your eyes! You should have listened to your mother, Jennifer. Tisk tisk.

That guy that you're pining over right now, the one who never showed up today, he's actually gonna break a little piece of your heart this summer. Hard to believe, I know. Of course you'll go through some healing over time, but then...he's gonna come back into your life and break off another piece and you'll feel the hurt all over again. I wish you weren't going to give him so much of your time and thoughts. Even though I wish you would have just kept your standards high from the beginning, this season of heartbreak you're about to endure will teach you so much not only about yourself, but about the qualities of a guy you're looking for in a future husband, the man that you're going to choose to spend the rest of your life with. I know you're not going to listen to anyone and you'll ignore all the red flags because you're so hung up on him, but just know that God's got you throughout this whole thing.

Your huge princess high-school-graduation dress cost more than your wedding dress. Isn't that funny?!

Giving Up.

Hello friends!

This blog post is dedicated to the fact that I can't get the new Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks to save my life--SOLD OUT. I'm officially giving up. OK, I'm totally kidding. I've only attempted trying to order that drink once in my life, which was 10 minutes ago, and I'm never going to give up trying to get a taste of that pink and blue beauty. There are other Starbucks in the area I can try...and once I get my hands on one, you'll know!

ANYWAY, what has my life come to, where I only write a minimum of one blog post a month? Or worse than that, NONE at all?! As I took a quick peek at my archives I found this to be such a sad realization, mostly because I love writing and blogging. I feel like blogging is my one chance to share my true self with the world without losing my train of thought, not quite saying what I meant to say, being constantly interrupted, or stumbling over my words.
I feel like every conversation with an acquaintance or even a friend is a rough draft of what I'm trying to say, and my writing/blogging done in solitude is my final draft. It's my final flawless piece, my perfectly executed chapter of this dramatic and extra-lengthy non-fiction novel that I like to call my life.

I Have This Hope.

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm the storm when I hear You call my name

I still believe that one day I'll see Your face

And I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

-Tenth Avenue North