Sleepless.

I cried more this past weekend than I have in the few months of summer combined. It's as if I've been saving it all up for this very weekend. It's not like anything detrimental occurred either--such as a death in the family, a really tough goodbye, or a job loss.

Three words: lack of sleep. I think that's definitely what caused most of the tears. (Well, that and all the Grey's Anatomy episodes I invested in last week, which always make me cry like a baby).

The other night while lying in bed I experienced an anxiety attack. Thanks to the inevitable passing of days I am now emotionally detached from this event and I feel totally comfortable writing about it. Time heals all wounds right?
It was the first one I'd had since starting my new job three months ago, which is really good in leu of my track record. When I worked at my old job I'd get them pretty frequently because I've noticed having to wake up before 6 am for work (solely for work) is a trigger for it. Lord KNOWS I have such trouble getting myself to bed on time, which is why my previous work hours of 6 AM to 2:30 PM were a huge problem for me. I loathe not getting enough sleep.

I'm the kind of person who needs 8-10 hours of sleep a night to feel sweetly well-rested when waking up the following morning. Yes, I'm one of those people. My husband on the other hand can survive a 6 hour long night of sleep and actually function the next day; it completely boggles my mind. I'm very meticulous about sleeping hours too, constantly calculating the exact hours and half hours of sleep I'll accumulate if I go to bed at __(insert time here)__. I'd say I'm on the verge of obsessive.

With my new job I have to work every other weekend. So once every two weeks, I have to be in by 6 am on the Sunday, which means that those Saturday evenings/nights are awful for me. 
So this last Saturday night went a little something like this: First, I set my alarm, shut off the bedside lamp, turned onto my favourite side-sleeping-position and pulled the covers up to my ears. Thankfully, more times than not this is followed by me falling asleep, and callin' it a successful nights' sleep! Phew.

But this time around, it turned into a repetitive loop of random thoughts and images in my brain. Because I'm a chef, these thought loops typically resemble culinary-related subjects and events that I experience on a 40 hour a week basis. (I remember one time when I was in middle school I had a thought-loop of the America's Next Top Model show--it was incredibly annoying to say the least!)
This night in particular was about cleaning and seasoning chicken breasts. Over and over again, my goodness it just wouldn't end. If you haven't ever experienced these weird random thought-loop-hallucinations you'll never understand it and you probably think I'm a little nuts right now, but I'll try my best to enlighten you of this unfortunate weirdness of mine.

Rejection and the Wait for Something Better.

Well guys, once again it's time for another update of my super exciting, ever-changing life! Ha! Jokes. My life is definitely not that stimulating. In fact the exciting parts of my life seem to come in waves. And of course the rare time I actually do something fun and out of the ordinary, is the time when my co-workers don't decide to ask me what I did on my day off. Pfft. People only seem to ask me about it when it was a fun-filled day of scrubbing toilets...eating...grocery shopping...pulling out the long hairs from my vacuum cleaner head...and Netflix. Therefore making me appear to be just another run-of-the-mill-boring adult. Haha. We're all the same, aren't we?

Anyway, a couple of months ago I wrote a blog post about how I applied for a job (Click here to read)--one that I really really wanted. I experienced a very thorough interview and a high-hoped waiting process, only for it all to end with a crisply-folded rejection letter in the mail. Although your resume and qualities were impressive, we have decided to go with another candidate.Ick.

Whilst reading that letter and the few moments that followed, I was fine. OK, it's all good. Obviously this wasn't meant to be and now I can move on because God has closed this door, and now I don't have to think about it anymore!

BUT I DID. It was all I thought about for the next month. I'd been trying to ease my way out of the food industry and I thought this library job would be the PERFECT start to a new career. It's comfortably indoors, the environment is quiet, I get to wear nice clothes and do my hair every morning, be surrounded by books all day, interact with people, no more early mornings, and get paid to execute my obsession with organization! I even had the perfect Instagram bio already written out in my head: "librarian by day, baker by night". (LOL, not really.) Sigh. But those words of rejection stung, and of course I took it all a little personal.

God, am I not meant for something more? Is this my lot in life? To work at a job I'm unhappy at, one that makes me both mentally AND physically exhausted every single day? Am I no better than this?

To My 18-Year-Old Self

I'm seeing graduation posts pop up left and right on Facebook of my friend's younger siblings and my little cousins--who aren't so little anymore. Last month was their high school graduation and it's left me feeling a little sentimental and reminiscent. Trust me, I don't want to go back to high school, I'm perfectly fine being in this mid-twenties post-college married chapter of my life, and have zero desire to move backwards. But with all these high school graduations happening around me, my mind can't help but take me back to that beautiful time in my life when every choice I made was going to majorly impact the direction of my life. Oh nostalgia.

I'm 26 years old now and have lived exactly 8 years since my high school graduation. (Um, wow; this is a hard pill to swallow, considering I still feel like a teenybopper sometimes.) If my 26-year-old self magically showed up at my graduation and pulled my young-platinum-blonde-haired-bright-eyed-18-year-old self away for a few minutes to tell me what the next 8 years of my life were going to look like...I would not believe a word of it. There's no way! Would I be totally happy and pleasantly pleased with everything I'd hear? Honestly no, and that's only because I had such different expectations for my life at that time. I didn't know how much I was going to change the following years after high school and I especially didn't know the hardships I was going to face.  And I can't imagine being told in advanced the exact struggle I'm going to experience in a few years. I think it'd be the same concept if God laid out our entire future on this earth in front of us, our future according to HIS plans. I imagine there'd be some disappointment and/or confusion as it definitely wouldn't match up to our plans, but God knows best you guys. "The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

Besides a little shock and disappointment, some of the things I'd hear would absolutely blow me away! I mean, if I could I'd give myself a huge high-five! Way to Go, self! How'd you ever manage to pull that off?! WHO ARE YOU?!

---------------

With that said, things I would say to my freshly graduated 18-year-old-self regarding my future:

One day, you're gonna wish you hadn't tanned so much. Look at those crows-feet next to your eyes! You should have listened to your mother, Jennifer. Tisk tisk.

That guy that you're pining over right now, the one who never showed up today, he's actually gonna break a little piece of your heart this summer. Hard to believe, I know. Of course you'll go through some healing over time, but then...he's gonna come back into your life and break off another piece and you'll feel the hurt all over again. I wish you weren't going to give him so much of your time and thoughts. Even though I wish you would have just kept your standards high from the beginning, this season of heartbreak you're about to endure will teach you so much not only about yourself, but about the qualities of a guy you're looking for in a future husband, the man that you're going to choose to spend the rest of your life with. I know you're not going to listen to anyone and you'll ignore all the red flags because you're so hung up on him, but just know that God's got you throughout this whole thing.

Your huge princess high-school-graduation dress cost more than your wedding dress. Isn't that funny?!

Why I Love Being Married.

This has been an immensely busy season for Jarryd and I. Both of us have so many different things going on, making life not so easy breezy these days. On my drive home from one of my many obligations, this time of busyness got me thinkin'...I knew that Jarryd was already home from work and that he would be there awaiting my arrival. Just the thought of having someone to welcome me home when I step foot into our apartment after such a crazy day lead me to this conclusion: I'm so thankful I don't have to do this alone!

Marriage is fantastic--tough at times, but incredibly rewarding. The best things in life come with commitment and hard work, no? So in no particular order, I decided to write a list of my favourite things about marriage:

1. You have someone you can be your total self around and have the comforting knowledge that they'll love you unconditionally. I know for me, I am NOT my total self with most people. I'm pretty sure that if I were, they'd never want to hang out with me again. I'm not referring to the flowery "Be Yourself" or "Love Yourself" because you're such a unique and special snowflake. I'm talkin' about the crankiness, the cynicism, the breakdowns, the venting, the neglected hygiene (showers are such a hassle, y'all), the ugly sobbing, and the complaining. My husband--(and maaaaybe my siblings) are the only people on earth who will ever see that fallen and humanly side of me. And guess what? I know they'll always love me and I'll always love them!

2. You always have someone to watch TV with. Some of my favourite evenings consist of coming home from work, ordering our favourite take-out (either pizza, Chinese, or McDonalds--these details are important), and literally doing nothing but talking, laughing, and watching a great show together. (Until I fall asleep, that is--for some reason I am ALWAYS the first to doze off on the couch...I never used to be this way, guys. I'm getting old!) Right now our current TV show of choice is Friends...once again.
Side note: we are constantly pointing at each other during this show saying "that's SO you", and we've come to the conclusion that Jarryd is 1 part Chandler and 1 part Joey (not Ross, thank goodness!). And I am a solid mix of the three girls Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica; I have Rachel's emotions, Phoebes sweetness/quirkiness/flightiness, and Monica's cynicism.
Moving on.

Baking My First Wedding Cake.

Hello friends! Guess what? I baked my first wedding cake! OK, I'm sort of lying. Technically, this isn't my first wedding cake, per say. I have done one once before but that was alongside a friend (a.k.a I had someone to share all the stress and balance out the crazy emotions with).

Whereas this time around, it was all me, 100% me. (Note: I did have some help at the very end, but I'll get to that later!)
Plus, the first wedding cake I did was completely different from this one! It was an 8" round cake with fondant, sugar flowers, and cupcakes on the side. The wedding cake I did this time around was made up of TIERS, frosted with buttercream, and decorated with real greenery.

I wrote this blog entry so that I could share with you what this wedding cake journey was like for me, and perhaps encourage a fellow baker or two that you don't have to be a "professional cake designer" to execute a beautiful wedding cake. If I can do it, so can you!! So, let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Back in the Fall after our good friends got engaged, I received a pretty little card in the mail from the future-bride-to-be that said: will you do us the honour of baking our wedding cake for our wedding on April 1st, 2017?

Giving Up.

Hello friends!

This blog post is dedicated to the fact that I can't get the new Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks to save my life--SOLD OUT. I'm officially giving up. OK, I'm totally kidding. I've only attempted trying to order that drink once in my life, which was 10 minutes ago, and I'm never going to give up trying to get a taste of that pink and blue beauty. There are other Starbucks in the area I can try...and once I get my hands on one, you'll know!

ANYWAY, what has my life come to, where I only write a minimum of one blog post a month? Or worse than that, NONE at all?! As I took a quick peek at my archives I found this to be such a sad realization, mostly because I love writing and blogging. I feel like blogging is my one chance to share my true self with the world without losing my train of thought, not quite saying what I meant to say, being constantly interrupted, or stumbling over my words.
I feel like every conversation with an acquaintance or even a friend is a rough draft of what I'm trying to say, and my writing/blogging done in solitude is my final draft. It's my final flawless piece, my perfectly executed chapter of this dramatic and extra-lengthy non-fiction novel that I like to call my life.

Come To Jesus.

Weak and wounded sinner, 
Lost and left to die, 
O, raise your head for Love is passing by

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away, 
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus, 
Fall on Jesus and live

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain you joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live

December First.

First, can we talk about how great it is that blogger FINALLY has emojis?? 😍 👏 💕 I can finally add some emotional tone to my blog posts now. Or did Blogger actually have emojis all along and I only noticed now? Hmm...

Moving on, I can't believe it's December 1st! This is crazy. I'm pretty sure I have the same gut-shocking reaction about every new month. Except for September; the start of September was very much ignored for some reason.

Now that American Thanksgiving is over and done with, the Christmas season is now in full-swing! And this year's Christmas already feels different! Normally the thought of the holidays stresses me out. I dwell on the thought of trying to buy the perfect gifts for people and drive myself crazy because shopping for other people is always so hard for me.
But this Christmas, I don't feel that stress! I honest-to-goodness just feel the warm and fuzzies. I've also never started listening to Christmas music this early or this frequently. For the past week I've been crankin' it on my commutes to and from work and it totally changes my mood. (It's even playing right now as we speak!) I don't know what it is but it takes my mind off of the bad and leads me down a memory lane of childhood Christmases in Canada. Jarryd and I even listen to it at home here in our apartment! And we sing along like total dorks--really just trying to doing our best impression of the cheesy voices, and making so much fun of each other.
My favourite Christmas tune right now is "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. It's so whacky and fun, I love it! I guess that's the inner-Beatles fan in me?
And the Charlie Brown "Christmas Dance" song makes me play air-piano in the car because I used to play it on the keyboard in Jazz Band. Oh high school...
Oh and "Silver Bells" is always fun to sing along to, OH and "Sleigh Ride"!! Gah!!
Honestly, alot of these songs I learned from my thirteen years of choir, church plays, piano, and band class in school. THIRTEEN YEARS. 😱

Also, I have this weird urge to decorate the apartment in all-things Christmas. I haven't, but I really want to. Which is weird, because I'm not one for seasonal decorating. Like, I'm DYING to go pick out a tree this weekend. And I'm dying to buy a furry white tree skirt. And Christmas-plaid ribbons and gold and white Christmas ornaments for the tree. I have no clue what's inspiring this, but I'll take it!

Last year we didn't do an ounce of Christmas here in Maryland because I spent 3 weeks at home in Canada. So there was really no point in putting a tree up just to take it down before even getting to enjoy it, you know?

Another thing we'd like to do this month is check out a German Christmas Market in a nearby city. Philadelphia, perhaps? Or even Baltimore?

Despite me being very much behind on my Christmas decorating, I made up for it in the fact that I bought some adorable red-green plaid PJ's in November. Plus, my Christmas spirit is at 110%. 👌

I was telling myself the other day that I'm not even that upset about not going back to Canada for Christmas this year. I feel fine! This is good!
I'm very thankful for this calm demeanour that I have right now, but I'm also nervous about the homesickness suddenly setting in and all of that going away. Because that's what homesickness does, it comes without any warning whatsoever. Honestly, it's like I'm standing with my back facing the ocean and a tidal wave--of missing home and friends and family--washes over me. I think I'll be ok until Christmas Eve and Christmas Day arrive, when I realize I have literally no one to watch the Home Alone movies with. 😩  (Jarryd unfortunately has zero appreciation for them.)
But oh well, I'm excited to celebrate my second Christmas with the in-laws here in Maryland, and to cherish them while they last because we might not be living here forever, you know? And I'm also excited to start new Christmas traditions with Jarryd that we can repeat every year just the two of us and then later with kiddos!

I'm loving December already!

Change.

Isn't it interesting how we're always changing? I am not the girl that I was 6 years ago, the girl who had visions of one day living in tiny apartments in big cities, walking to class everyday pursuing a career in journalism.
People who know me now, probably read that sentence with MUCH confusion. Even as I just typed that it felt almost out-of-body-esque. Me? A journalist? The 5% of me that is an insane-grammar-freak is like "YES! I LOVE that career choice!" but the other 95% of me is like "no thank you, that sounds like an anxiety-inducing nightmare".
And small-town-country-loving-Jenny living in a city?! I think if I had plans to have absolutely zero children, then maybe, just maybe I could chance a life of city living (I'm no Amber Fillerup, believe it or not). :P

I did 4 years of Bible college/university/school for many reasons but a large reason was to find a husband find some direction in my life career-wise. Half way through this schooling I had visions of pursuing some type of counselling career. And hey, as an INFJ personality type, I have counselling written all.over.me. Even the other day my co-worker told me that I have the gift of listening and I was like, "thank you!" and he was like "don't thank me, thank God for giving that to you!" (I appreciate the fact that I know how to listen, but truthfully...somedays I wish I had the gift of talking. I feel like it could take me places, you know?) :P But something about picturing myself with a 9-5 office job listening to clients heavy life stories for five days a week, didn't sit well with me. Believe me, I wish it did. One of my really good friends is a therapist and her job sounds incredibly rewarding and fulfilling and she's doing amazing things in people's lives but I am just so confident that it's not my calling.

And then...Pinterest came into existence and opened my eyes of a whole new world of cooking, baking, food styling, and food photography. THAT looks beautiful, fun, practical, and intriguing! Finally a career choice that my creative gene could latch onto and actually attain. Now, four years of practice in the kitchen and one culinary certificate later, I've found myself with a "9-5" job in the food industry as a cook/chef.

And now, after almost two years of working in commercial kitchens I'm finding myself wanting to get out of it. Yep. Spending 8 and a 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week at a physically-demanding job is really starting to wear on me. What I really want is to pursue baking and it's hard when your full-time job is robbing you of all your energy. Truthfully, an office job looks pretty good right now. I wonder what it would be like to come home from work (an office job) and still have the physical energy to spend all evening in my kitchen on my feet working on my baking skills? I do wonder if this is even a plausible idea or would my mental energy then take a tumble?

So back to my first statement: isn't it interesting how we're always changing? I went from wanting to be a journalist to being a counsellor, to being a chef, to now dreaming of baking cakes, cupcakes, and all things pretty! It all sounds drastic when you lay it out like that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I haven't really changed that much. Yes, I let the dream of journalism go, but I've still held on to my love and passion for writing--with this blog of mine. I let the dream of counselling go, but I still have a huge place in my heart for people, friendships, encouraging, loving, and listening--with this blog, but more-so in my everyday life with those I interact with. I'm considering letting the dream of being chef in a commercial kitchen go--quite gradually--but I'm for sure going to hold on to everything that I have learned about the food industry; because much of what that skill and knowledge can be carried on into the business of cake decorating.

I'm curious to see how much I will have changed five years from now! Will I have dropped cake decorating for something even more attainable, like...bioengineering? (Kidding.) I'm also excited to see how much Jarryd will change in five years--maybe he'll finally pursue his long-time dream of country music singin'. (Kidding, I think?)

Change is good. I'm telling myself this as I just realized in 5 years I will be 30 years old. Gulp. Change is good, Jennifer.

Thank You.

It's been a strange week, inside of the mind of Jenny, that is. No odd events have occurred and nothing out of the ordinary has sprung up in my life; it's all just been weird inside of my head.

Being a hopeless introvert I tend to live inside of my head. I tend to pull up a chair and stay for awhile within the "comforts" of my own brain and then get up and leave when I feel ready and satisfyingly rejuvenated. But this week, I actually pitched a tent in my head (and I do not fancy camping in the least so I don't know why I'd ever even consider pitching a tent, but it's my brain, what can I do?), and stayed inside the walls of my skull for a very long time. Too long, in fact.

Introspection is a good thing. It's healthy to examine your own mental and emotional wellbeing and work to keep it intact. But too much dwelling within-the-minds-eye is when things get a little crazy. Trust me, I LOVE to be inside of my head. I love to process the interactions I have with people or events, envision the potentials of my future, seek out new dreams and goals, and just mull over my current life just as everything is. I enjoy all of this so much, in fact I NEED to do this in order to stay sane, but when I spend too much time analyzing and questioning anything and everything, that is when my joy takes a dangerous turn into bitterness, worry, grief, anxiety, and just plain unhappiness.

Is there anyone out there who can relate with me on this? (I know you're out there somewhere!)

An example of something in my life that I allowed to go from a joyful event to sorrowful one, is my upcoming trip to Canada. (If you didn't know, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up quick and Jarryd and I are vacationing there for a week! YAY!) Anybody who knows me KNOWS that I am crazy excited for this trip. But a few days ago I found myself DREADING it. DREAD-ING. How?! Why?! This is going to sound so silly to you guys, but I knew that going back to Canada and enjoying my time seeing my family and my best friends again...meant saying goodbye AGAIN. And because it's Maryland's turn for Christmas holidays this year, it would be one of those "goodbye, I don't know when I'll ever see you again so...until who-knows-when so take care of yourself! See ya?!" :(

I honestly could cry right now as I've been typing all of this out, but I'm gonna keep it together, people!

My mind takes me on such insane trails that my sad obsession with the future goodbyes completely overshadowed how GOOD this trip is going to be. I shouldn't be dreading something I should be thankful for. And believe me, I'm so excited, thankful to God, and so happy that Jarryd and I get to spend an entire week in the best country ever  Canada. ;) <3 This whole ordeal was one of those times where I just needed to tell my brain to "shut up" and allow my heart to be a heart of thankfulness again.

So there was that. And then there was this overwhelming feeling of lostness...

Adrift.

Disoriented.

Misplaced.

Hidden.

Invisible.

Strayed.

Wandering.

Off-course.

I've lived here in Maryland for over two years and quite often feel all-of-the-above. (Is that too honest, or what?) I don't feel like I've found my place. I don't feel like I fit in. Amidst unattractive wet sobs I have said to Jarryd, "I've never felt so different in my life". To be honest I didn't think I'd feel much culture-shock moving here, but I feel it now, two years in more than ever.

When I feel like I'm different from everyone else and out of place, I begin to question everything about myself and my identity. I begin to feel like I'm losing who I am because I feel like familiarity is far and few between.

Fortunately, there are these times though when I meet someone new and feel a wonderful and warm connection with them and then I instantly have so much joy because I don't feel so out of place anymore. It feels like familiarity. It feels like my desire to know and especially be known is being fulfilled. I feel that sense of belonging that every soul on earth craves. There are seriously some wonderful people out there and I wish I could be surrounded by them all of the time.

Alas, I wish I felt that welcoming feeling from everyone I encountered. Unfortunately, many people I interact with make me feel like I'm too quiet. I'm too young. Like I need to build myself some thicker skin. Like I need to be more sarcastic, more obnoxious, and more aggressive in the way I speak. More crude. Never keep a serious conversation. Make everything a joke, yet don't smile too much. Make fun of everyone around me. Stop being so joyful. Keep a record of wrongs of every single person. Swing your moods a little more. Rid myself of all gentleness and learn to fight a good verbal fight.

I'm sure I've shared this quote before but I'm going to share it again because I LOVE IT:

I begin to question my talents, gifts, and skills until my mind decides for me that they're not actually talents, gifts, and skills. That I'm just a fake, pretending like I know what I'm doing. Or that I'm just kidding myself! But I know my God is bigger than my doubts, and according to Him I'm work of art and can create works of art. Please brain, you need to quiet down!

I know there are people out there like me, who feel the same way I do. Who believe that yes, the world is beautiful and that kindness, warmth, and welcoming-ness all go a long way.

As found in Galatians 5:22-23 But the Fruit of the Spirit is:

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Self-Control.

Gentleness.

Goodness.

Faithfulness.

Instead of feeling lost, I want to feel all of the things above! I want to be the Fruits of the Spirit. And I can because my identity and sense of belonging are not found in where I live, who I know, or what I do. My identity is in Jesus and I absolutely refuse to let anyone around me change that, because they can't.

I'm thankful for the little BIG thoughts that God pops into my head to remind me of His promises.
I'm thankful to Jarryd for always always always being my proverbial "home away from home", he is my biggest sense of familiarity here in Maryland, and my best friend in the whole entire world.
I'm thankful to the people who have shown such great kindness to me, for giving me "mom hugs" and making me giggle with their "dad jokes".
I'm thankful for the--seldom--cashiers who carry on a conversation with me as if we've known each other forever (Dear Starbucks cashier, I don't even know your name but I'm pretty sure we're best friends. Thank you for bonding with me over Pumpkin Spice Lattes).
Thank you to the friends who aren't afraid to talk about the hard things. Thank you for your authenticity and not pretending to be perfect.
Thank you to the people who SMILE and say HELLO.
Thank you to the few people here who actually get my sense of humour. (It's a rare humour but it's actually the best, hee hee!)
Thank you to the girls who let me into the soccer game for free because I forgot to bring cash. Your act of kindness blew me away and it's not forgotten.
Thank you to my long-distance friends/sisters/family who don't mind me venting to them about how hard it gets here sometimes. Thank you for listening, encouraging, and always pointing me to the Truth! (You know who you are!!)
And thank you to the ones who take the time to read my blog. I know I don't always make alot of sense. I know I can be quite vague at times, more mysterious than I'd like to be, but I appreciate you guys hearing reading me out. I get so much joy out of blogging and I appreciate each and every one of you and the encouraging comments and private messages you send me. Your words seriously make my day!! <3

See brain! There's always SOMETHING to be thankful for. Always something to feel joy about. God is so good. :)

Vienna Waits For You.

Slow down you crazy child,

You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart tell me,

Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out

You got so much to do and only

So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion, you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while

It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

{Billy Joel}

P.S- Any other 90's kids else get major cravings to watch 13 Going On 30 after hearing this song?! I LOVE IT!!

How You Made Them Feel.

"She said, 'i've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that everyday you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have alot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'"

{Maya Angelou}

I love that quote so much because of its' incredible truth. I always remember how people made me feel. I'll always remember how disheartened someone left me feeling, and I'll always remember how safe another person left me feeling. I'll always remember the person whom after spending the day with, left me feeling encouraged within my circumstances, inspired to love more, and thankful to Jesus for the people he's placed in my life. {I can't even count on my hands the number of loved ones in my life who make me feel this way! They're such blessings to me!}

And then...there's the people whom after spending time with, leave me feeling unsettled, exhausted, discouraged, sad, and disappointed. They're the kind of people you dread to see again. It's especially a battle for me because my INFJ personality, I'm like a sponge! I soak up the emotions around me, including every ounce of negative emotion. {Let's just say my dreams of becoming a therapist/counsellor didn't last long--I would have come home from work everyday an emotional basketcase!!} I often wish I could just be one of the people who simply brushes off the negative comments or vibes as if they never happened, someone with impermeable walls. BUT that's the thing with putting up walls, sure you block out the negative stuff, but you also then block out the positive stuff too!

The other day I did something dumb...I looked to the internet for emotional guidance {haha!}. I asked google something along the lines of "how to block other people's negative energy" and I got some hooey-phooey err...interesting advice about envisioning your brain as a house with four walls lifting your roof open to positive vibes only. {If that kind of stuff works for you, that is great...but for me personally, I think I'll run to Jesus for this instead}.

Back to the topic at hand, I wonder how I make people feel. Do people feel happy when they're with me? Do I leave them feeling encouraged, warm, and hopeful? {<---If not, then that's my goal!}

I struggle with the fear that I don't love people enough or that I'm not thoughtful enough. I'm afraid that I don't say enough and yet I'm afraid that sometimes I may say too much.
It's frustrating when I try so hard to show love and kindness to those around me and it isn't reciprocated. For instance, my work is a very busy place and we see hundreds of faces a day. I try to say "hello" and acknowledge every person I encounter. But when somebody doesn't even say anything back, it actually irritates me and causes me to stop saying the first "hello" to anyone after that. And then I get hit with a wave of guilt for not reaching out to others because what if somebody I walked right past was having a really bad day, or was feeling especially invisible or unloved that day? For some, a simple "hello" can mean the world to them. {I know there are moments for me when it really brightens my day!}

I hate when I have such a bad attitude going on in my mind that it manages to leak out to those least suspecting; I never want to be caught with snippy one-liners but it gets the best of me every now and then, unfortunately.

I think I spend so much energy trying to be "a light" for others {the kind of light that points people to Jesus} that I forget about the One who I'm doing it for, the one true light.

"Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying 'I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life". {John 8:12}

What I'm Thinkin' Is...

Blog posts where I write down all of my current most random thoughts are my favourite kind of blog posts! I find them to the be the most down-to-earth and at the same time so real and organic that it's on the verge of being almost too boring to read. Right? :P

I mean, do people actually care about my random thoughts? Speaking of, I just posted a photo to dear ole' Instagram holding my disposable Starbucks cup in front of my new world map from Ikea, casually stating how I like to take my Caramel Macchiatos. See below:

WHO cares?! Not gonna lie, the Instagram culture makes me laugh. People claim to be real and authentic, yet it takes them ridiculously long to shoot the perfect photo of a #flatlay scheme, ridiculously long to edit the photo, and ridiculously long to decide on the "perfect" caption. And the hashtags are a whole 'nother story; they are cheesy beyond belief. Take #myunicornlife for example. Does anyone actually have a so-called "unicorn life"? What is this "unicorn life" they speak of? And then there's #theeverydaygirl, what is an "everyday girl"?!

I think the funniest thing about it though, is that I AM ONE OF THEM. I am guilty of doing all of the above, especially the part about the "unicorn life" hashtag. Yep. But hey, at least I can admit that I'm crazy when social media's involved, and most importantly I can do all of this, all the while admit that I don't take myself too seriously.

Honestly, it's kinda fun having a little space on the internet where I can portray the best of my best; my best days, my best moments, my best home decor, and my best baked goods {all in the best natural lighting of course}. ;) Plus, Instagram is a creative's dream social media outlet; where artistic personalities are admired and celebrated!

Anyway, I intended for that to be the introduction to my list of random thoughts, but it seems that I went off on a bit of a tangent and thus it appears I already provided a random thought. So let's continue, shall we?

One of the best feelings in the world is when you get a brand new album and you listen to each song once, already picking and choosing what your favourites are just from the first listening session. And slowly but surely the song you didn't like at first eventually becomes your new favourite! I also love the feeling when I'm at work and think to myself, "I can't wait for my 25 minute drive home because that means I get to listen to ______ on repeat!!"

But that brings me to my next point...one of the worst feelings in the world is when you've listened to your new favourite album one too many times and you're left with absolutely nothing worth listening to and all you have to turn to is FM radio. *tear*

One of the most---I'll go with---interesting things about the American culture, at least in this part of America, is that acquaintances/practically strangers will tell you all about their day without even being asked to. I rarely have to ask anyone anymore about their day because they don't even give me a chance to. I guess it's just frustrating because where I'm from in Canada, the normal social etiquette is quite different, take this for example:

Person: "Hello!"

Me: "Hi! How are you? What is new?!"

Person: "I am good! We just did ____ and ____! How about you??"

Me: "Well, I am ____ but____ happened and now_____."
Person: " Oh wow that's interesting! _____"

And the conversation just flows nicely because both parties have had a chance to express how they're doing. Doesn't that just sound oh-so lovely?!

However, the American culture {in the area I live, and especially in the area I work--and I understand it's different from State to State} goes somewhat like this {PLEASE NOTE: Of course, not every single person is like this, it's just the majority}:

Person: "Hi how are ya?!"

Me: "Hello, I'm goo--"

Person: "OH MAN, last night I went to _____"

Or....

Person: "Hi Jenny. So I have ____ and ____ going on and ____ and _____ ....blah blah blah".

The end.

Let's just say I've learned the annoyingly hard way that "how are you" is not actually a question it's just a part of how they say hello. Sigh.

Anyway, I need to move on before I start embracing that cranky feeling...

Food-wise, this last weekend was tough because Jarryd and I skipped our weekly grocery shopping trip. Therefore, we had NO chips in our pantry. Having a chip-less apartment takes tv-watching 5 notches down on the fun-scale. But fear not, yesterday I finally went grocery shopping and bought 3 bags. :D

In lieu of "Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life" coming out this year, {eeeeee!!!} we have started up Gilmore Girls all over again. This may be my 4th or 5th time watching the seasons back-to-back. Don't judge me. For some reason, Jarryd and I are watching 3 tv shows at once, "Gilmore Girls", "The Office", "Chrisley Knows Best", and "Pretty Little Liars". Again, don't judge me. Some may see tv-watching as a waste of time, but I see it as a bonding/social activity. Jarryd and I are always hitting the pause button so we can express our opinions to each other about what just happened on the screen.

See the shirt I'm wearing in the above photo? Yeah, I bought that at Plato's Closet back in June. It's now practically September and I FINALLY had the guts to wear it in public last weekend. Isn't that hilarious? It has holes in the shoulder which make it just so....so...adventurous and bold. And now that I've worn it in, I think I'll keep wearing it. Although it was slightly uncomfortable as I kept thinking that my straps were falling down because my shoulders felt "airy".

If you're ever in our apartment's kitchen and you see chunks of buttercream frosting on the walls, and icing sugar on the bottom cupboards, that's normal. This week's buttercream-wall-decor is a nice light purple. I'm contemplating just leaving it there...

Whenever new people I meet ask me what kind of music I like to listen to, other than immediately blurting out "Taylor Swift", I never know what to say. I like For King & Country, but I also like The 1975. I like Lauren Daigle, but I also like Selena Gomez, Hilary Duff, and Ariana Grande. I like Bethel, but I also like Alessia Cara, Sara Bareilles, and Ellie Goulding. Should I just say that with the exception of the first two bands, that I like to listen to female singers? Sounds good. Glad we got that figured out.

So remember how in a previous blog post I said I'd be reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants all summer? Well, I haven't picked the book up since I wrote that blog post and summer is almost over! I am the WORST reader ever!! Perhaps if it were a TV show instead then I'd get through it quicker...

This morning I was an hour late to work because...I totally did not set an alarm last night. Isn't that crazy?! How does one forget to set their alarm? All I remember waking up in the morning thinking to myself, "wow, for some reason this has felt like a nice long sleep tonight..." {Little did I know...} :P

I miss Canada...alot...and I think it misses me too.

This last weekend I went to a friend's baby shower, and it was insanely creatively planned. FOR EXAMPLE: When you went to the drink table, you were supposed to put an ice-cube-baby in your drink cup and when your ice cube completely melted you were supposed to shout "my water broke!"

Like, there is a tiny plastic baby in my cup...isn't this the FUNNIEST thing ever?! Granted, having moved to the US I have missed thousands of my friends' and family's baby showers back home, this whole ice-cube-baby thing could be totally routine by now. But hey, it got a huge laugh outta me!

Jarryd just starting coaching high school boys' soccer and I couldn't be prouder!! He's totally in his element with this; isn't it so cool seeing your spouse doing what they love?! {Now, I haven't seen him coach yet, but I absolutely plan on it! I can't wait!} But for now, I'm loving the glorious alone-time that I get while he's at practice. :) Hee hee!

Back to Gilmore Girls, I have this thing, whenever Lorelai cries, I cry. The other night Jarryd looks over at me, "are you really crying right now? Really?", and I reply with "wha? huh? um...no...OK FINE I'm crying. Ugh, it's not my fault that Lauren Graham just has the most contagious cry in the history of female actors".

Last weekend I made buttercream frosting and I poured 3 whole 2 lb-bags of Confectioners Sugar into my mixer. That's 6 lbs, people! Which is also over 18 cups of sugar. {And I'm not even going to tell you how much butter I cut into that thing!} I have never loved my 6-QT Bowl-Lift Professional 600 Series Pink KitchenAid Stand Mixer as much as I did then. I wanted to plant a kiss on its' beautiful motor but I concluded that that would've been unsanitary. Here's a photo of my 28 lb beauty so we'll never forget... <3

I think I write this in every single one of my "random thoughts" blog posts, but hey it still rings true: I hate showering. Ughhh. Like, I need a shower right now quite badly and it's going to take every ounce of my strength to get into that damp, white prison. I'd rather write a long list of things I could be doing INSTEAD of washing my hair. Ah well, I'm still thankful for running water, don't worry.... :'(

Well, I think that's enough random thoughts for one blog post, eh? Until next time, my sweet friends! :)

Dearest Future Self,

August is almost over, I repeat, August is almost OVER. This is absolutely crazy!!
For the past two (or so) months Jarryd and I have been planning my family's trip out to Maryland; most of our energy has gone into anything and everything relating to their visit from  grocery lists, to bed/sleeping situations, itinerary, activities, places to see, and what baked-goods to make.

You spend all of the days leading up to their arrival just planning like crazy--striving for it to be perfect; and then after they leave you say to yourself, "hmm, now what? My brain is oddly quiet right now".

I doubt most people get as excited about their parents' visiting as I did this last time around. The last time I saw them was at Christmas and that was up in Canada! So this time, they flew all the way out here to beautiful Maryland. I'm tellin' you, it is SO cool when your two worlds collide (those being my Canadian world and my American world).
FINALLY my family got to see our new apartment and just see how we live our life here in general. The last time they were out here in Maryland, Jarryd and I had been married a little over a month, so that hardly even counted. We weren't "settled in" at all!

They left to go back home to Canada on Sunday and ever since then I've just felt nothing but thankfulness. I mean, I'm thankful to God all the time for my life, but recently it's been an overwhelming thankfulness. Being with my family again reminded me of how blessed I am to have been raised by two of the most amazing people I've ever known. Through them, God has given me an incredible 25 years of life, experiences, and adventures.

Everytime I look back at photos of myself that were taken on all my adventures in Canada, Europe, USA, ect, I try to read my face as best as I can; I look for any indication, ANY slight indication at all that I'm grasping just how good I have it. So often I want to go back in time, stand before myself, reach out and shake my own shoulders screaming, "do you know how amazing your life is right now?! I don't think so because I remember when this photo was taken and how you weren't actually very happy at the time. Jenny, you are crazy for ever NOT being happy!".

Sigh. I see pictures of myself standing with all of my best friends and wish I knew then that I was probably never going to be in the same room with all of those wonderful people at one time again. I wish I knew then how lucky I was to have so many friends who lived just a few minutes from my house. Nowadays, making friends isn't so simple.

I see pictures of myself lying on the grass on our old farm and wish I knew then that one day I'd be living in an apartment situated between 4 major U.S cities, longing to have that much space to roam again. I often wonder if I'll ever have that much peace and privacy to myself ever again.

I see pictures of myself at my high school graduation and wish I knew then what an amazing chapter of life I was going through. I had finally graduated and I literally could go anywhere and be anything that I wanted to be--and all I wanted to do was rush through it. It's sobering to think how every single choice I made back then was so crucial and life-altering.

If I never would have felt so career-oriented and brave I never would have gone to University in B.C. If I never would have felt so longingly for a change in scenery/way of life/school dynamic I never would have gone to Germany for Bible school.
If I never would have felt so passionate about continuing my degree in Christian ministry I never would have gone to Bible school in Saskatchewan.
If I never would have had my own kitchen in my dorm room there where I realized how much I actually enjoyed cooking and baking I never would have applied to Culinary School in Ontario.
If I never would have met Jarryd during my time in Germany and committed to long-distance dating and later said yes marriage, I would have never moved to Maryland, US.
If I never would have moved to Maryland, I don't think I'd ever appreciate the beauty of friendship the way I do now. I don't think I'd realize how warm, friendly, and welcoming my home country of Canada really is. I don't think I'd fully appreciate to the extent that I do now, how wonderful it was growing up in a Christian community surrounded by a huge support system of friends and family. I don't think I'd truly appreciate how fantastic it is to meet a person so friendly and genuine, and to realize how infrequent these types of people come around (so when you meet one, make sure you hold onto them).

All of these choices and decisions I made based on feeling "at-peace" with it all, have led me to this place: 25 years old, married for over 2 years, living in an entirely different country, working as a cook, exploring the beautiful country of the US of A, and sharpening my baking skills by doing cake/cupcake orders. Sometimes I STILL can't believe where I'm at right now!

I bet, in 5 years I'm going to look back at this moment, this memory, and say to myself, "you had it SO good Jenny. Your life was incredible at 25. How could you not have been truly happy?"

And my future self is right! There's something exciting about where Jarryd and I are at right now. It's just the two of us, no kiddos yet, and no careers that have the "power" to keep us tied down to hanging our hats in one specific area. Truthfully, we could pack up and move anywhere right now. If we really wanted, we could hand in our two-weeks-notices at work tomorrow and pack up and move within the following weeks. We could live anywhere we want to. It's exciting and nerve-wracking and overwhelming and thrilling! To think, this time next year we could be living in another town, another state, or another COUNTRY even! OR, we could just be in this exact same spot a year from now, here in Maryland (which...truthfully...doesn't give me any butterflies whatsoever, haha!).

God places us right where He wants us, doesn't he? It's only a matter of opening your ears to what He has in mind. Right now we're just praying for wisdom and discernment. Praying to be active in our faith and to be aware of all opportunities He lays out for us. We're exploring our options and trying to grow in Christ in the meantime.

So dearest future self (30-year-old Jenny), I'm here to tell you in August of 2016, I am truly happy and am truly thankful. I have it so good, and I don't have it good because of anything that I've done, but because of what God has done! :) <3

Why am I a Cook?

As most of you probably know, I LOVE learning about personalities and doing personality assessments is one of my favourite activities. {Myers-Briggs is the best!} I have this habit of when meeting someone new, I read them and fit them into little personality boxes with labels such as thinker/doer/logical/passionate/emotional/risk-taker/shy/outgoing for example. And because everyone knows that first impressions are never reliable when it comes to making judgements about someone, this person will do something out of that little personality box I made for them and completely surprise me. And then I'm all out of sorts and have to figure out a new box for them. It's as if I'm just asking to be surprised. {It makes me wonder if I ever surprise anyone about my personality...}

And it's rare that I'll meet someone and think "wow, what an awful personality"; 99% of the time I think to myself "wow, I love their personality--I sure hope it rubs off on me because I really admire ______ about them".

^ Oh man, does anybody else do this?! And why do I do this to myself, you ask? I have no idea. It keeps my mind entertained that's for sure. I just find people and their little quirks so interesting.

I read somewhere that one of the worst jobs for an INFJ personality such as myself, is being a cook. AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO FOR 40 HOURS A WEEK. How does this even make sense?

I think when it said "cook" it was most likely implying culinary jobs such as "line cook" or "sous chef"--something extremely high-pressure. I work neither of those jobs. My position at work is more along the lines of "assistant to the chef/prep cook". My top priority at work is prepping ingredients for the fruit and salad bar (which means alot of chopping--which I LOVE!}.

BUT, just because my position isn't extremely-pressurized doesn't mean I'm free of that. In fact, I am surrounded by co-workers whose positions are that way. I am surrounded by high stress.
And anybody who knows INFJ's we loathe pressure, stress, negativity, feeling rushed, loud distracting environments, chaos, and too much social interaction. These are all of the things I experience at work--this is exactly what goes on in a commercial kitchen.

In regards to other people surprising me about their personalities, in this area of my life, I completely and totally surprise myself! Seriously! I often wonder if my friends or family can even picture me being a cook because I don't fit the personality type of a cook. {I'm not one to swear like a sailor, you know?}

I also wonder how I've survived this long in the culinary industry. It's been over 3 years of food-service jobs for me and that's actually a long time. In all honesty, I don't dread going to work. I truly enjoy my job and what I do. Absolutely, there are things about my job that I wish I could change; but the positives outweigh the negatives by far.

Positives About My Job:
Routine full-time hours
Routine tasks of working with my hands and still room for creativity
Small team of co-workers (6 of us in total)
A great boss!
Benefits/Vacation Pay/Sick pay ect.
Constantly learning new things/picking up new skills
Eating delicious food and trying new foods
I get to wear a white chef jacket. Woo!

Negatives About My Job:
Loud environment so it's hard to carry meaningful conversations
On my feet the entire time/actually quite physically demanding on the feet and legs {this is the worrrrsssst!}
At times stressful/chaotic/negative
Lack of privacy and socially draining
Waking up at 5 AM {actually this one is the worst!}

I still think it's interesting how I ended up being a cook. Sometimes at work when I am tired of standing and socially drained I find myself day dreaming about what it'd be like hidden from the world in a little cubicle, sitting in a comfy office chair, typing random numbers with my keyboard, with cheesy family photos pinned up all around me, a hot coffee next to my own computer, and my hair and makeup all done wearing a pencil skirt and high heels, and easy access to myself cell phone all day long. Sometimes I think I may have been better suited for a data-entry type job...

Oh well. Often our jobs and careers hold alot of weight in what we consider our identity to be. People might think "Oh she's a cook, so she must be ____, ____, and _____". Yes, I'm a cook but believe me, I'm soooo out of the norm when it comes to chef personalities. I cannot fit into a little chef box. I do not connect my identity to my career; to me they are separate. The only connection there is FOOD--I love food and working with food. Being a cook has never been my dream job and it never will. Is it so wrong for me to say that I'm really only working at my job for stable paycheck and the benefits?

Haha, it sounds wrong in a way...but I'm just there for the money. This doesn't negate the fact that this job is a HUUUUUGE blessing and that I'm incredibly thankful for it! Not at all! God is providing for Jarryd and I and He chose this job for me in this season of life at this time for His specific reasons. He Has me right where He wants me and I am quite content because I make a DAILY decision to live a life of thankfulness and gratitude which lead to contentment. :)

P.S- What is my current DREAM JOB? I would LOVE to be a foodie/baker/dessert blogger. Have a baking business, take photos of my creations, and blog all about it. AT HOME. {Hermits and homebodies for the win!} I'd also like to have a cat, a very very very affectionate and loving cat. Who knows, maybe I'll get there one day. :) <3

July Joy.

Wow. Hello my long lost friend--my blog!! I have missed you.

It's currently the 9th of July and things are finally starting to slow down...for the most part.

When I started my new full-time job back at the beginning of February, it was also the time when Jarryd and I had been going to a new church for a little over a month and were both trying to get plugged in there.

Jarryd joined a Bible study group, and I ended up joining TWO. I know that probably doesn't sound that crazy to you, but these Bible studies each had thick books {aside from The Bible} that we were working through--this meant lots and lots of homework. So all the while I was adjusting to a new job and new schedule, I was dedicating most of my time to my new groups. Each group meeting was between 2-3 hours a week, plus when you add all of the in-depth heart-wrenching deep-digging homework to, that takes up alot of time.

But guess what? All of our groups have come to an end! It's bittersweet because we met some pretty great people through it and it's unfortunate not being able to see them on a regular basis now. But we have SOOOO much time now. ...Well, I wouldn't say SOOOO much time, but in comparison to what we used to have, we definitely do!

I'm excited! Having free evenings and weekends again means that I can focus more attention to my baking. AND BLOGGING because blogging is one of my favourite things to do! Hee hee!

I just want to learn anything and everything in the realm of baking! I am following some pretty talented baker accounts on Instagram and it's nothing short of inspiring! Although at the same time when I see their edible works of art and I just feel instantly intimidated. WOW. I can't believe I thought my creations were even semi good--because these are just flawless! Apparently I stink. <<--{These are called bad thoughts! Don't try this at home!}

I'm just being real, yo. {Yo? Really, Jennifer?} I have moments where I lose all motivation to be in the kitchen. When I assess the situation I realize that this loss of motivation stems from either a really dirty kitchen {DISHES EVERYWHERE GAH}, lack of sleep, or lack of introvert/alone time. {Ahhh gotta love that coveted introvert time...} Once those vital three are taken care of, then I get these beautiful little bursts of enthusiasm to bake and try and fail and cry and then try again! It's a wonderful cycle.

So yeah, to be honest {a.k.a "real, yo"} I'm pretty pleased with life right now. And it's only only ONLY because I have learned where to find my true joy. JESUS! Life is so much better when you strive to keep your focus on eternity and not on the things directly around you. If my joy and attitude depended on the people around me, I would be such a miserable person. In my opinion, there's enough negativity in this world and Jesus is my answer to my question of "how do I rise above it all?".

I'm not sure at all where I was going with this blog post. Perhaps I just wanted to give an update on my life currently? Yes, let's go with that. :)

It's been a great Saturday. I've been baking and cooking all afternoon so, that's pretty self-explanatory. Plus, I've gotten some much needed introvert time. Not as much as I'd prefer, but just enough to get me through. :P

Carrot Cake for Mother's Day.

"I'm such a FAILURE!" were the words I kept repeating to myself that Saturday evening. My attempt at baking a simple carrot cake totally flopped and I couldn't help but kick myself hard while I was down.

I'm trusting you know that the photos I post on my Instagram, Facebook, and here on my blog are only the best of the best. This is just common knowledge by now, correct? Y'all may see a perfect picture of a good-looking cupcake, but what you don't know is that I may have used my special "crop" button to edit out the massive pile of dirty dishes in the sink on one side and the filthy countertop on the other. Except for in my Chocolate Covered Strawberries blog post, I don't show you the projects that don't turn out, nor do I tell you about them. {I get prideful every now and then...}

Even though I've been baking for years, I still go through these horrible catastrophes; a project that I put immense time and effort into doesn't turn out at all. Unfortunately I take those moments pretty hard. {I'm learning, OK?} I'm not completely sure why, but instead of just posting a bunch of photos of my finished carrot cake, I wanted to be 100% honest and share with you that this particular cake at first was a DISASTER. So, the truth is out! It's not all "buttercream roses" over here all of the time...although I wish it were. ;)

So, to backtrack to a few weeks ago:
I knew Mother's Day was coming up quick, so on that Friday evening as I was layin' in bed, I thought to myself, what is something special I can do for my Mother-in-Law this Mother's Day?

There's always a nice card, right? A nice card...with nice words...that a nice company called Hallmark wrote for you, right? Hmm.
OH! I KNOW! CAKE!
Everyone loves cake, right?! My husband claims he doesn't like cake, but then the next thing you know all of my cupcakes suddenly disappear... Hmmph. :P

I distinctly remembered that my Mother-in-Law liked carrot cake. So just to make sure that my hippocampus was in check, I texted my Father-in-Law asking if she did in fact like carrot cake.
Yes, yes she does! Perfect.
I then began planning it all out:

• Grocery shop Saturday morning,
• bake the cake Saturday evening,
• decorate the cake Sunday after church,
• and deliver the cake Sunday evening.

So on Saturday morning, Jarryd and I set off for the grocery store. Yes, we grocery shop together. Cute, isn't it? :) It's fun going together. But truthfully, I also don't mind going on my own every now and then. {Introvert alert!} His "man-ness" really likes to come out when shopping and therefore he doesn't always appreciate my "woman-ness" when I feel the need to go up and down EVERY single aisle at a snails pace. Pffft. :D

This carrot cake recipe that I love with all of my heart calls for buttermilk, but the grocery store didn't have buttermilk. Whatever; it was all good, because I knew that I could very easily conjure up a buttermilk substitute when I got home later that day!

Once I arrived home, I got straight to cleaning the kitchen. I cleaned that thing SO good! A sparkling clean kitchen seriously makes cooking and baking a thousand times more enjoyable. And if you wear a pretty apron while baking you almost feel like you're the next Martha Stewart on the set of your cooking show. ;)

On a side note, that evening Jarryd made Lobster Mac & Cheese. {Actually it was made with Cavatappi, so it really should have been called "Lobster Cavatappi & Cheese".}

 Look at those beauties. And talk about an expensive meal too. Lobster tails are NOT cheap.

 Jarryd is a GREAT cook!! He was also so proud of himself for making his very first Roux. Cute, hehe (I've been making Roux's for years now). ;)

 He did such an amazing job with this Lobster Cavatappi & Cheese--it tasted absolutely delicious. Anything topped with a buttery Panko breadcrumb and Parmesan cheese mixture is amazing. Plus, LOBSTER!

He may have done the cooking, but I obviously did the food styling and photography. ;)

Anyway, back to BAKING. When the oven timer went off, I shook each pan and they jiggled in the middle. I stuck my special "cake tester" stick into the centre of the cake and none of the batter stuck to it. Hmmm...this is odd, it's not completely set, yet no batter is coming out with the stick.

I let them bake just a little longer, and then removed them to cool. An hour later I returned to the kitchen to remove the cakes from their pans and the middles were STILL jiggly. Quite irritated, I turned the oven back on and baked them some more. I even covered them with foil so the edges wouldn't dry out. Two twenty minute intervals later, they were STILL jiggly. I removed the cakes once again and let them sit on the counter, once again. After they've cooled, AGAIN, I remove them from their pans. I tried everything I could to salvage the dang things. Perhaps it's just the top middle of the cakes that aren't set? So I take my serrated knife and slice each cake in half. I can't even pick them up without them wanting to break in half. :(

In total frustration I just dug my hands into the two cakes and pretty much ripped them to shreds. {Do you ever do weird things like that when you're upset?} Everything immediately following this is pretty much a blur. I remember leaving everything on the counter, including the mess of what was supposed to be a cake, turning off the kitchen light, crawling into bed and just crying a few much needed and well-deserved tears of frustration.

{And in case you're wondering: No, I didn't take a photo of my cake disaster--Now that I am a few weeks older and wiser, I wish that I would have, just for some photographic proof. But to be completely honest, in that moment I couldn't stand to be in the vicinity of cake pans any longer! I was just so upset!}

So my carrot cake didn't turn out. :( I texted to Jarryd. Ugh. I felt like such a failure, for several reasons. One, was that I've made this carrot cake recipe like 3 or 4 times before. I KNOW how to make it and I KNOW it can turn out amazingly. It's a killer recipe! Another reason is that I just so badly want to be naturally good at baking everytime and all the time; I want it to be my thing! I guess because I feel so passionate about baking I just want it to be a perfect process all of the time. {Unrealistic, I know.}

As to why it didn't turn out, I am thinking it was because of my buttermilk substitute of sour cream, milk, and lemon juice. Ugh!

So when Jarryd got home later, he asked me what I was going to do.
Well, I'm gonna go to Walmart tomorrow morning, pick up the ingredients I need, and just bake and decorate it all before the evening!
^Keep in mind, this was said in a very irritated tone. My weekend just wasn't turning out the way I had planned. Not at all! My weekdays are SO busy that when it comes to the weekends all I want to do is have some down time, relax, and sit as much as possible as I'm on my feet all day at work!

And then Jarryd responded with the sweetest words--what I truly needed to hear in that moment. See! that's what I love about you. You never give up!

Sigh. :)

Sunday morning. THIS was fun. The first thing I did was head to Walmart {not a fan of this store, but I was in a serious time crunch!}. And let's not forget, in order for me to get from our bedroom to the front door I had to walk past my disaster of a kitchen that was now covered in carrot cake. Blech.

PRAISE THE LORD, Walmart had buttermilk. {I was beginning to think that Buttermilk was only a Canadian thing--haha, silly me.} I got home and started baking. After I had shuffled through all those plastic Walmart bags I realized I was missing a bag--the bag with the buttermilk! UGH!!
So I drove back to Walmart in a total huff, talked to the cashier about it, who already put the buttermilk back on the shelf at the back of the store.
I just couldn't believe the weekend I had been having. Why was this whole baking thing being so difficult?! Why was I so cranky in the midst of doing something that I love?
Again, now that I am a few days older and wiser, I have it pinpointed that because I have so little time to myself, I just want it to go as planned. Because when time doesn't go as planned, I see it as "wasted time".

So after the whole Walmart thing got sorted out, I baked the cakes--as quickly as I could--and they turned out ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! Talk about a sigh of relief! I'M BACK!!! I exclaimed to the world!

 There they are, perfect as ever. I would have liked to have done a three-layer cake, but with all the screwing up I ran out of necessary ingredients. Oh well, next time. :)

 Toasted coconut, ladies and gentlemen! {I was originally going to leave this out, but my first batch of toasted coconut burnt to a black ugly crisp and I nearly stung my eyes out as I opened that oven door. Just another thing that went wrong haha...}

Here are the two layers of carrot cake sandwiching a beautiful layer of cream cheese frosting. As you can see, I have a very thin layer of frosting around the whole cake. This is called a "Crumb Coat". After you apply the thin layer all over, you place the cake in the fridge until it gets cold and hardens. This allows for when you apply the finished layer of frosting to be flawless--without any crumbs scattered throughout it. Genius, I say!

 After applying the final layer of cream cheese frosting, I garnished it with some of that gorgeous toasted coconut.

 Then, I gave it some walnut garnishes. One thing I learned in culinary school in regards to garnishes is to only use what is relevant. I wouldn't put mint leaves around the top, because there is no mint INSIDE the cake. I put toasted coconut and walnuts on the outside of the cake because it's in the inside of the cake. I mean, I guess I could place an actual whole carrot on top and call it a day, but that's a little too "rustic" for me. Bahah!

Truthfully, I was extremely tempted to leave it like this.
It's simplicity is truly beautiful in it's own way...a.k.a- I was so exhausted and just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. But that would have been the easy way out...

So I decided to do some buttercream flowers!! :) THIS PART, the final, finishing touches is my absolute favourite part of baking. I love to decorate.

Fun fact: I did this all without a rotating cake stand. Talk about a PAIN in the neck. The awkward positions you have to put your body in just to decorate a simple cake is ridiculous. Don't worry folks, it's next on the list of things to buy!

 The yellow rose was inspired by my Mother-in-law, whose favourite colour is yellow. :) <3

OH! And this was my very first time using my leaf tips to make leaves and I'm so happy with how they turned out. I never thought piping leaves could be so easy!

I am totally honest in saying this...this cake turned out way better than I thought it would.

 Apparently I have become a VERY messy baker. Then again, I think it was just the unfortunate circumstance of having to redo everything and blah blah blah. {I'm learning, people!}

 Jarryd told me that I look like I'm holding our newborn child. Ha ha ha!

 DON'T drop it, self!!

I learned a WHOLE lot through this one cake baking weekend. I learned that I am SO glad I didn't give up. My first carrot cake was an absolute disaster--and that's OK. Just because one cake doesn't turn out it doesn't mean that I am a failure, loser, or incompetent. It means I am only human. When things don't work, just cry; cry it out. Destress, let the stress escape your body in the form of ugly wet tears, crawl into bed, PRAY to Jesus for strength and gratefulness, and get some sleep. REST. The Bible talks so much about rest, and it makes sense because I'm usually at my worst when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

Getting back up after falling down, and then moving on to create something beautiful that tasted as good as it looked--maybe even better--one thing I am very proud of myself for.

Also, seeing the look on my in-laws faces when they laid eyes on this cake was sooo worth it! I never told them any of this, like how my first carrot cake never turned out and how stressful the whole ordeal was, so if they're reading this...SURPRISE! :) Love you guys!

So in conclusion, despite the messy weekend I had, I STILL love baking and I'm still going to keep on keepin' on! In fact, I have a cake order this weekend that I am incredibly excited for!! I can't wait to get going on it. :)

Thanks everyone for reading this. I haven't blogged in awhile and therefore I feel like my writing skills aren't quite as up to par as they once were. I hope you enjoyed reading about my accomplishments ALONG with my failures. Balance is key, right? Xoxo! <3