Rejection and the Wait for Something Better.

Well guys, once again it's time for another update of my super exciting, ever-changing life! Ha! Jokes. My life is definitely not that stimulating. In fact the exciting parts of my life seem to come in waves. And of course the rare time I actually do something fun and out of the ordinary, is the time when my co-workers don't decide to ask me what I did on my day off. Pfft. People only seem to ask me about it when it was a fun-filled day of scrubbing toilets...eating...grocery shopping...pulling out the long hairs from my vacuum cleaner head...and Netflix. Therefore making me appear to be just another run-of-the-mill-boring adult. Haha. We're all the same, aren't we?

Anyway, a couple of months ago I wrote a blog post about how I applied for a job (Click here to read)--one that I really really wanted. I experienced a very thorough interview and a high-hoped waiting process, only for it all to end with a crisply-folded rejection letter in the mail. Although your resume and qualities were impressive, we have decided to go with another candidate.Ick.

Whilst reading that letter and the few moments that followed, I was fine. OK, it's all good. Obviously this wasn't meant to be and now I can move on because God has closed this door, and now I don't have to think about it anymore!

BUT I DID. It was all I thought about for the next month. I'd been trying to ease my way out of the food industry and I thought this library job would be the PERFECT start to a new career. It's comfortably indoors, the environment is quiet, I get to wear nice clothes and do my hair every morning, be surrounded by books all day, interact with people, no more early mornings, and get paid to execute my obsession with organization! I even had the perfect Instagram bio already written out in my head: "librarian by day, baker by night". (LOL, not really.) Sigh. But those words of rejection stung, and of course I took it all a little personal.

God, am I not meant for something more? Is this my lot in life? To work at a job I'm unhappy at, one that makes me both mentally AND physically exhausted every single day? Am I no better than this?

To My 18-Year-Old Self

I'm seeing graduation posts pop up left and right on Facebook of my friend's younger siblings and my little cousins--who aren't so little anymore. Last month was their high school graduation and it's left me feeling a little sentimental and reminiscent. Trust me, I don't want to go back to high school, I'm perfectly fine being in this mid-twenties post-college married chapter of my life, and have zero desire to move backwards. But with all these high school graduations happening around me, my mind can't help but take me back to that beautiful time in my life when every choice I made was going to majorly impact the direction of my life. Oh nostalgia.

I'm 26 years old now and have lived exactly 8 years since my high school graduation. (Um, wow; this is a hard pill to swallow, considering I still feel like a teenybopper sometimes.) If my 26-year-old self magically showed up at my graduation and pulled my young-platinum-blonde-haired-bright-eyed-18-year-old self away for a few minutes to tell me what the next 8 years of my life were going to look like...I would not believe a word of it. There's no way! Would I be totally happy and pleasantly pleased with everything I'd hear? Honestly no, and that's only because I had such different expectations for my life at that time. I didn't know how much I was going to change the following years after high school and I especially didn't know the hardships I was going to face.  And I can't imagine being told in advanced the exact struggle I'm going to experience in a few years. I think it'd be the same concept if God laid out our entire future on this earth in front of us, our future according to HIS plans. I imagine there'd be some disappointment and/or confusion as it definitely wouldn't match up to our plans, but God knows best you guys. "The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

Besides a little shock and disappointment, some of the things I'd hear would absolutely blow me away! I mean, if I could I'd give myself a huge high-five! Way to Go, self! How'd you ever manage to pull that off?! WHO ARE YOU?!

---------------

With that said, things I would say to my freshly graduated 18-year-old-self regarding my future:

One day, you're gonna wish you hadn't tanned so much. Look at those crows-feet next to your eyes! You should have listened to your mother, Jennifer. Tisk tisk.

That guy that you're pining over right now, the one who never showed up today, he's actually gonna break a little piece of your heart this summer. Hard to believe, I know. Of course you'll go through some healing over time, but then...he's gonna come back into your life and break off another piece and you'll feel the hurt all over again. I wish you weren't going to give him so much of your time and thoughts. Even though I wish you would have just kept your standards high from the beginning, this season of heartbreak you're about to endure will teach you so much not only about yourself, but about the qualities of a guy you're looking for in a future husband, the man that you're going to choose to spend the rest of your life with. I know you're not going to listen to anyone and you'll ignore all the red flags because you're so hung up on him, but just know that God's got you throughout this whole thing.

Your huge princess high-school-graduation dress cost more than your wedding dress. Isn't that funny?!

Giving Up.

Hello friends!

This blog post is dedicated to the fact that I can't get the new Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks to save my life--SOLD OUT. I'm officially giving up. OK, I'm totally kidding. I've only attempted trying to order that drink once in my life, which was 10 minutes ago, and I'm never going to give up trying to get a taste of that pink and blue beauty. There are other Starbucks in the area I can try...and once I get my hands on one, you'll know!

ANYWAY, what has my life come to, where I only write a minimum of one blog post a month? Or worse than that, NONE at all?! As I took a quick peek at my archives I found this to be such a sad realization, mostly because I love writing and blogging. I feel like blogging is my one chance to share my true self with the world without losing my train of thought, not quite saying what I meant to say, being constantly interrupted, or stumbling over my words.
I feel like every conversation with an acquaintance or even a friend is a rough draft of what I'm trying to say, and my writing/blogging done in solitude is my final draft. It's my final flawless piece, my perfectly executed chapter of this dramatic and extra-lengthy non-fiction novel that I like to call my life.

My 2016.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE! What a crazy, exciting time of year and I can't even believe the beginning of January is about to hit us!

For someone in my shoes, the months of October to December are nuts. I say "in my shoes" because I'm a Canadian who married an American and is living in America. Therefore, in October Jarryd and I celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving, in November we celebrate American Thanksgiving, in December we celebrate Christmas, and now we celebrate New Years Eve/Day! There are four major holidays all within the span of three months for us! (Thank goodness Christmas is the only holiday where gift-giving is expected, or else we'd be sooo broke!)

Last night in the car, Jarryd and I were just talking about how great of a year 2016 was for us. Thankfully, and I say this with a truly grateful heart, nothing drastic or tragic occurred in our lives. (Thank you, God!) We both conquered some things we wanted to conquer, and accomplished things we never even dreamed we'd accomplish. But, there's also things we wish we would have done more of, or wish we would have done less of. Obviously our lives aren't perfect and therefore our year wasn't perfect. But overall, despite how exhausting and busy the year may have been for us, 2016 really was a good year.

Past Memories of Christmas.

Hi friends!! The following post is one that is very close to my heart. The lyrics of the classic and most beloved Christmas song, "it's the most wonderful time of the year" really does ring true. Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year! It's not always perfect, in fact, it's never perfect.
The Christmas holidays are actually FAR from perfect. They're busy, stressful, chaotic, and exhausting. They're filled with long road trips, flights, cancelled flights, snowstorms, icy roads, burnt casseroles, overindulged stomaches, socks in your stocking (unless you just LOVE getting socks?), chocolate boxes with questionable surprise fruit filling, excessive amounts of small-talk, and your least favourite overplayed Christmas songs on the radio (eg. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus").

But despite all of that, the Christmas season always ends too soon, because the time spent with friends and family--the ones you love the most--is never long enough! I mean, sure I get my fair share of introvert hangovers over any holiday throughout the year, but whenever Christmas is over I'm always wishing I could relive it just one more time. Because once Christmas and New Years Eve are over, all the bright lights and red and green decor are taken down, house exteriors are bare once again, and the creatively decorated shop windows are no more. And if there's no snow on the ground (like it usually is here in Maryland), the winter landscape looks awfully dreadful, in my opinion; everything just looks dead and gloomy. Blech. At least there's the optimistic hope that spring is on its' way!

Today is December 17th, and it's the last weekend before the BIG and EXCITING Christmas weekend hits us! As previously mentioned, this years' Christmas will be spent in Maryland with Jarryd and my in-laws. And with that knowledge I'm still doing OK! That 40 foot tall tidal wave of homesickness still hasn't crept up from behind me, which is good news.
And I just realized that this is my very first Christmas EVER that I've had a full-time job and have had to work through the holiday season. Either I've been in school and have weeks of Christmas break, or I'm just working part-time and can afford the time away from work, or my workplace completely shuts down at Christmas time. But this year, I'm working the day before Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day. The upside to all of this work definitely keeps my mind occupied from thinking about what I'm missing out on back in Canada.

(I'm in no way saying that Christmas spent with Jarryd's family is bad. What I mean to say is that a whole two decades of wonderful Christmas memories under my belt is enough to make a girl miss her Canadian family.)

With that said, I thought I would share some of my favourite Christmas memories with you guys! Unfortunately I only have two Christmas photos from under the age of 15 to show you because the rest of them are all back at my parents place. (You know, in physical photograph form--olden day style. 😜)

One of my earliest Christmas memories, that doesn't have a photo to go along with it, was I remember waking up the middle of the night to see a brand new dollhouse in the middle of my room. Out of shock and complete excitement I got up and inspected it for a little bit. I remember crawling back into bed and praying that it wasn't just a dream and that the dollhouse would disappear when I'd open my eyes again. But it was real and amazing and every little girl's dream! And now, many many years later my nieces play with it! 😙

OH and one Christmas morning my Mom set the table with brand new boxes of our favourite SUGARED cereals at each of our spots. Mine was Lucky Charms, of course. Also, my addiction to potato chips started as a young child because I remember asking my mom for Lay's BBQ chips and got two whole bags as a Christmas gift--and was extremely happy. Haha!

One of the Christmas's with my brother Dale (in the red sweater) before he passed away at the age of 6.

Christmas's morning on the farm always consisted of waking up super early, gathering all of our comfiest biggest blankets, and sprawling them all over the floor around the Christmas tree--making the whole scene opening-present ready.

My brother-in-law's birthday is on Christmas Eve so one year we baked him a barnyard cupcake surprise!! I may be a skilled baker now, but back then the LAST thing I wanted to do was bake or cook--this was really all my sister's doing. And aren't we the nicest in-laws? With him having a Christmas holiday birthday, he could easily be overlooked, but we never forget to celebrate him! 😋

This photo is missing a sister...without her our female ensemble is just almost perfect. This would make an excellent Christmas card!

Christmas at our old farm house! I LOVE this! Whoever's idea it was for us to all wear Santa hats is a genius. And suddenly, Christmas isn't just the six of us anymore! In this photo I have my very first niece and two brother-in-laws!

Christmas gatherings at my Oma and Opa's in the city were always special. The memories that stand out to me the most are my teasing, and tickling uncles, the two large brown speakers that my Opa would play classical music from (quite loudly), the giant red and green sacks that all of us kids would get from Oma And Opa full of the best gifts ever (!!), along with the smaller white sacks that were filled with German Christmas candy and chocolates! I remember the smell of tobacco in the air. I remember the Christmas tree in the middle of the window, and one time my Oma and Opa gave me an angel ornament to take home with me. I remember us grandkids running up the one-of-a-kind fuzzy green carpeted staircase to watch 101 Dalmations on the ole' tv. I remember that the bathtub, sink, and toilet were pink. And I remember always falling asleep soundly in the back of the van on our long drive home to the country.
On December 24th, 2005, while we were at our Christmas Eve church program, my parents got the phone call that Opa had suddenly passed away. It's a Christmas I don't remember much of--I remember driving straight to Oma and Opa's house and I remember seeing all of my aunts and uncles, and I remember the viewing, the funeral, and the burial. But everything else is a blur. I wish I could go back in time and give my Mom and my Oma the biggest, tightest hugs because they had just lost their Dad/Husband and I was too young to truly understand the pain they must've been experiencing. Even at 25 years old, I can't even imagine. Yes, Christmas is a joyous time but it can also be a hard time for those of us celebrating without our loved ones.

Here we all went for supper at Oma's new apartment before heading off to the Nutcracker Ballet, another Christmas tradition of ours! 

This was an odd Christmas for us, as it was our first without Kristina! She was living in Germany at the time and couldn't make it home (I don't blame her because Christmas in Germany is AMAZING)! But she shipped us all gifts from Germany--check out the jersey I'm wearing! 😍

We had Kristina on the phone the entire time we were opening gifts. That was so fun--it was as if she was there with us! Even this random farm cat chatted with Kristina.

Cooking and baking up a Christmas storm (a storm all of which I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with haha)! Also, let's revel in the fact that this was the last time I ever had short hair.

It is just a fact that my brother-in-law makes thee best turkey dinner!! We've enjoyed many Thanksgivings and Christmas's with Ron's culinary handiwork.

My family is a bit of a artistic/musical one, so more than one Christmas Eve's at church my cousins and I would play a song during the church program. There I am looking so intense with my flute! Also, an amazing part of the Christmas Eve programs at church were the goodie bags given to everyone at the very end. These goodie bags, also known as "Tütje" are the German Mennonite tradition of brown paper bags filled with shelled peanuts, candy canes, miscellaneous candies and chocolate, and of COURSE a delicious Christmas orange! 

Family gathering fun!! Me with 1/1000th of my cousins, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's crazy to look back and see a Christmas with only one niece! Now in 2016 I have three nieces and one nephew and can't imagine my family without them!

I just adore this photo of my parents holding their cute little granddaughter! Also, look to the wall on the left. That wall was always COVERED in family Christmas photos! How blessed was I to grow up in a family with so many friends and family to receive cards from?

The view from our window of the backyard on the farm. A typical white Christmas in Canada! I think there was maybe one year we didn't have a white Christmas?

Now, while I was at Bible school in Germany, I didn't spend my Christmas holidays in Germany--in fact I went home for the holidays! But the days leading up to Christmas were spent at many German Christmas Markets.

This was at a German Christmas market--and I'm tellin' you. There's nothing like Christmas in Germany! Side note: I gained a bit of weight at this time. My legs look thicker than ever haha!

I snuck this photo of Jarryd on our last evening together before we parted ways for the Christmas holidays, He was going to a friends' place in Berlin and I was going home to Canada. I knew that he liked me at this point, a friend of mine spilled it to me and I could just tell from the way he acted. I mean, he was the only guy to wake up at 4 am that night to carry my suitcase to the car for me and stand outside in the cold to wave goodbye so.... 😇  But as for me, I was still wrestling with my feelings. I told myself that by the time I get back to Canada I probably wouldn't even remember him anymore so obviously the feelings weren't real--but low and behold, the second I got in the car to head to the train station, I was missing him already. Yikes! So there's that!

During my year at Bible school in Germany, my parents sold the farm and moved into a beautiful house in town. It was strange saying goodbye at the farm and then coming home to a whole new house at Christmas! As much as I miss the farm, I love this house and the location! And my Dad does a fantastic job at putting up the Christmas lights, right?!

Christmas at my parents new house! My Mom always does a beautiful job of decorating the tree; too bad us kids had no interest in helping her haha! Although I do have fond memories of playing with the ornaments as a child. Oh and this was that one Christmas where I wrapped everyone's gift in kitty cat wrapping paper--some were not too pleased. 😂

Jarryd and I started dating eventually and this was the first Christmas I spent with him and his family in Maryland! We were long distance at this point so seeing each other again was always amazing!

Jarryd and I's very first Christmas card photo taken in front of our very first Christmas tree inside of our very first apartment as a MARRIED couple! I still love this photo and our matching plaid shirts. Hee hee!

Christmas at Oma's! We just love her!! And her smile here is so beautiful!!

The Family gatherings are a HUGE part of my favourite Christmas memories. This is what my Froese gatherings looked like every single year. There were so many of us (over 100 people) that renting out the church basement and having a gift exchange game that would last hours was a normal thing for us! This is a more recent photo of all of us, so we're all grown up here and missing alot of people--this definitely isn't the whole family. But these gatherings were always a ton of fun and a great reason as to why I know I am blessed.

Jarryd and I's second Christmas card photo!! We're always too late in the game to think of hiring a professional photographer, so we just set up self-timer and "go to town". But we're always pretty happy with the result, plus we save alot of money doing so!

A normal highway condition for winters in Canada. Terrifying, but normal.

This was Christmas of 2015 spent in Canada again!!

When Jarryd married into this family, he was instantly blessed with a perfect wife (me), a mother and father-in-law, two sister in-laws, three brother in-laws, two nieces (with one on the way!), and one nephew. He's one lucky guy!

Isn't this photo of Jarryd and his niece amazing?! I just love it! Oh and Jarryd was just SO proud of his beloved beard here. I allowed him to grow it since it would help keep him warm up in Canada.

If everyone would have been here this would have been a fantastic Christmas card. Haha! We drove out to a field to do some burning. You know, just burn a pile of garbage for fun! It's what we do. 😂

The ORIGINAL SIX. (Technically there's seven here, because Rosie is inside of Kristina's tummy, but she doesn't count.)

The original six have become THIRTEEN. Wow, thirteen! And what a one-of-a-kind family we are--we're all so very different, but so very alike in many ways too. The one thing that binds us all together is our love for the Lord. He has been so good to us and has blessed my parents immensely. Seeing my parents so happy with all of their children and grandchildren makes me excited to having children and grandchildren of my own one day (if that's what God has planned for me, that is).

You guys, there are SO many more Christmas memories and photos that I could have shared but I think now's a good time to stop. 😘

As I've said many times before, my family is a huge blessing to me. So instead of being sad that I won't see them this holiday season, I should be thankful that I even have a family to miss, right? Plus, I have some pretty great in-laws and a husband that I get to share this season with! 

Oh and Jarryd and I just finished taking our annual self-timer Christmas photo! I can't wait to show you guys.

Thanks for joining me on my walk down Christmas memory lane! I hope you enjoyed it! Merry Christmas, friends! 😀

Thank You.

It's been a strange week, inside of the mind of Jenny, that is. No odd events have occurred and nothing out of the ordinary has sprung up in my life; it's all just been weird inside of my head.

Being a hopeless introvert I tend to live inside of my head. I tend to pull up a chair and stay for awhile within the "comforts" of my own brain and then get up and leave when I feel ready and satisfyingly rejuvenated. But this week, I actually pitched a tent in my head (and I do not fancy camping in the least so I don't know why I'd ever even consider pitching a tent, but it's my brain, what can I do?), and stayed inside the walls of my skull for a very long time. Too long, in fact.

Introspection is a good thing. It's healthy to examine your own mental and emotional wellbeing and work to keep it intact. But too much dwelling within-the-minds-eye is when things get a little crazy. Trust me, I LOVE to be inside of my head. I love to process the interactions I have with people or events, envision the potentials of my future, seek out new dreams and goals, and just mull over my current life just as everything is. I enjoy all of this so much, in fact I NEED to do this in order to stay sane, but when I spend too much time analyzing and questioning anything and everything, that is when my joy takes a dangerous turn into bitterness, worry, grief, anxiety, and just plain unhappiness.

Is there anyone out there who can relate with me on this? (I know you're out there somewhere!)

An example of something in my life that I allowed to go from a joyful event to sorrowful one, is my upcoming trip to Canada. (If you didn't know, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up quick and Jarryd and I are vacationing there for a week! YAY!) Anybody who knows me KNOWS that I am crazy excited for this trip. But a few days ago I found myself DREADING it. DREAD-ING. How?! Why?! This is going to sound so silly to you guys, but I knew that going back to Canada and enjoying my time seeing my family and my best friends again...meant saying goodbye AGAIN. And because it's Maryland's turn for Christmas holidays this year, it would be one of those "goodbye, I don't know when I'll ever see you again so...until who-knows-when so take care of yourself! See ya?!" :(

I honestly could cry right now as I've been typing all of this out, but I'm gonna keep it together, people!

My mind takes me on such insane trails that my sad obsession with the future goodbyes completely overshadowed how GOOD this trip is going to be. I shouldn't be dreading something I should be thankful for. And believe me, I'm so excited, thankful to God, and so happy that Jarryd and I get to spend an entire week in the best country ever  Canada. ;) <3 This whole ordeal was one of those times where I just needed to tell my brain to "shut up" and allow my heart to be a heart of thankfulness again.

So there was that. And then there was this overwhelming feeling of lostness...

Adrift.

Disoriented.

Misplaced.

Hidden.

Invisible.

Strayed.

Wandering.

Off-course.

I've lived here in Maryland for over two years and quite often feel all-of-the-above. (Is that too honest, or what?) I don't feel like I've found my place. I don't feel like I fit in. Amidst unattractive wet sobs I have said to Jarryd, "I've never felt so different in my life". To be honest I didn't think I'd feel much culture-shock moving here, but I feel it now, two years in more than ever.

When I feel like I'm different from everyone else and out of place, I begin to question everything about myself and my identity. I begin to feel like I'm losing who I am because I feel like familiarity is far and few between.

Fortunately, there are these times though when I meet someone new and feel a wonderful and warm connection with them and then I instantly have so much joy because I don't feel so out of place anymore. It feels like familiarity. It feels like my desire to know and especially be known is being fulfilled. I feel that sense of belonging that every soul on earth craves. There are seriously some wonderful people out there and I wish I could be surrounded by them all of the time.

Alas, I wish I felt that welcoming feeling from everyone I encountered. Unfortunately, many people I interact with make me feel like I'm too quiet. I'm too young. Like I need to build myself some thicker skin. Like I need to be more sarcastic, more obnoxious, and more aggressive in the way I speak. More crude. Never keep a serious conversation. Make everything a joke, yet don't smile too much. Make fun of everyone around me. Stop being so joyful. Keep a record of wrongs of every single person. Swing your moods a little more. Rid myself of all gentleness and learn to fight a good verbal fight.

I'm sure I've shared this quote before but I'm going to share it again because I LOVE IT:

I begin to question my talents, gifts, and skills until my mind decides for me that they're not actually talents, gifts, and skills. That I'm just a fake, pretending like I know what I'm doing. Or that I'm just kidding myself! But I know my God is bigger than my doubts, and according to Him I'm work of art and can create works of art. Please brain, you need to quiet down!

I know there are people out there like me, who feel the same way I do. Who believe that yes, the world is beautiful and that kindness, warmth, and welcoming-ness all go a long way.

As found in Galatians 5:22-23 But the Fruit of the Spirit is:

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Self-Control.

Gentleness.

Goodness.

Faithfulness.

Instead of feeling lost, I want to feel all of the things above! I want to be the Fruits of the Spirit. And I can because my identity and sense of belonging are not found in where I live, who I know, or what I do. My identity is in Jesus and I absolutely refuse to let anyone around me change that, because they can't.

I'm thankful for the little BIG thoughts that God pops into my head to remind me of His promises.
I'm thankful to Jarryd for always always always being my proverbial "home away from home", he is my biggest sense of familiarity here in Maryland, and my best friend in the whole entire world.
I'm thankful to the people who have shown such great kindness to me, for giving me "mom hugs" and making me giggle with their "dad jokes".
I'm thankful for the--seldom--cashiers who carry on a conversation with me as if we've known each other forever (Dear Starbucks cashier, I don't even know your name but I'm pretty sure we're best friends. Thank you for bonding with me over Pumpkin Spice Lattes).
Thank you to the friends who aren't afraid to talk about the hard things. Thank you for your authenticity and not pretending to be perfect.
Thank you to the people who SMILE and say HELLO.
Thank you to the few people here who actually get my sense of humour. (It's a rare humour but it's actually the best, hee hee!)
Thank you to the girls who let me into the soccer game for free because I forgot to bring cash. Your act of kindness blew me away and it's not forgotten.
Thank you to my long-distance friends/sisters/family who don't mind me venting to them about how hard it gets here sometimes. Thank you for listening, encouraging, and always pointing me to the Truth! (You know who you are!!)
And thank you to the ones who take the time to read my blog. I know I don't always make alot of sense. I know I can be quite vague at times, more mysterious than I'd like to be, but I appreciate you guys hearing reading me out. I get so much joy out of blogging and I appreciate each and every one of you and the encouraging comments and private messages you send me. Your words seriously make my day!! <3

See brain! There's always SOMETHING to be thankful for. Always something to feel joy about. God is so good. :)

Vienna Waits For You.

Slow down you crazy child,

You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart tell me,

Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out

You got so much to do and only

So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion, you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while

It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

{Billy Joel}

P.S- Any other 90's kids else get major cravings to watch 13 Going On 30 after hearing this song?! I LOVE IT!!

The Lion & The Lamb.

"Our God is the Lion, the Lion of Judah,

He's roaring with power and fighting our battles;

And every knee will bow before You.

Our God is the Lamb, the Lamb that was slain,

For the sin of the world, His blood breaks the chains,

And every knee will bow before the Lion and the Lamb."

This SONG by Big Daddy Weave is amazing, you guys! As a way to conquer some of the negativity in my life I've devoted most of my commutes to and from work to listening to K-LOVE Radio. If you've never heard of it, it's only thee best Christian radio station, ever. And if you don't get it on your radio where you live, you can actually listen online HERE. {They also share awesome stories of people doing random acts of kindness and just helping others; it's so refreshing to hear GOOD things in the news, you know?}

This song very much overwhelms my soul and emotions with awe and gratefulness. I'm in awe of such an incredible God, He's a God who is BOTH a selfless and gentle lamb, and a fierce powerful lion. He came into this world, born in a stable. The most humble of beginnings I would say!
That's just one thing that separates Jesus Christ from other gods and religions; He spent His life serving others and was never on a pursuit of fame, earthly success, or money. His pursuit was servanthood, to love others, to glorify His Father in Heaven, and of course what encompasses the former three: to be the world's salvation!

And I'm just grateful that a God like that loves me and that's he's fighting my battles {like the song says}. To say that I'm GRATEFUL for the Saviour of the world fighting my battles, is such an understatement! Gahhh! How else can I put it though?! No words will ever do it justice! <3

Everytime I listen to this song it just makes me want to know my Lord and Saviour better. He gave everything so that He could know me, so why shouldn't I be doing the same?

How You Made Them Feel.

"She said, 'i've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that everyday you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have alot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'"

{Maya Angelou}

I love that quote so much because of its' incredible truth. I always remember how people made me feel. I'll always remember how disheartened someone left me feeling, and I'll always remember how safe another person left me feeling. I'll always remember the person whom after spending the day with, left me feeling encouraged within my circumstances, inspired to love more, and thankful to Jesus for the people he's placed in my life. {I can't even count on my hands the number of loved ones in my life who make me feel this way! They're such blessings to me!}

And then...there's the people whom after spending time with, leave me feeling unsettled, exhausted, discouraged, sad, and disappointed. They're the kind of people you dread to see again. It's especially a battle for me because my INFJ personality, I'm like a sponge! I soak up the emotions around me, including every ounce of negative emotion. {Let's just say my dreams of becoming a therapist/counsellor didn't last long--I would have come home from work everyday an emotional basketcase!!} I often wish I could just be one of the people who simply brushes off the negative comments or vibes as if they never happened, someone with impermeable walls. BUT that's the thing with putting up walls, sure you block out the negative stuff, but you also then block out the positive stuff too!

The other day I did something dumb...I looked to the internet for emotional guidance {haha!}. I asked google something along the lines of "how to block other people's negative energy" and I got some hooey-phooey err...interesting advice about envisioning your brain as a house with four walls lifting your roof open to positive vibes only. {If that kind of stuff works for you, that is great...but for me personally, I think I'll run to Jesus for this instead}.

Back to the topic at hand, I wonder how I make people feel. Do people feel happy when they're with me? Do I leave them feeling encouraged, warm, and hopeful? {<---If not, then that's my goal!}

I struggle with the fear that I don't love people enough or that I'm not thoughtful enough. I'm afraid that I don't say enough and yet I'm afraid that sometimes I may say too much.
It's frustrating when I try so hard to show love and kindness to those around me and it isn't reciprocated. For instance, my work is a very busy place and we see hundreds of faces a day. I try to say "hello" and acknowledge every person I encounter. But when somebody doesn't even say anything back, it actually irritates me and causes me to stop saying the first "hello" to anyone after that. And then I get hit with a wave of guilt for not reaching out to others because what if somebody I walked right past was having a really bad day, or was feeling especially invisible or unloved that day? For some, a simple "hello" can mean the world to them. {I know there are moments for me when it really brightens my day!}

I hate when I have such a bad attitude going on in my mind that it manages to leak out to those least suspecting; I never want to be caught with snippy one-liners but it gets the best of me every now and then, unfortunately.

I think I spend so much energy trying to be "a light" for others {the kind of light that points people to Jesus} that I forget about the One who I'm doing it for, the one true light.

"Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying 'I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life". {John 8:12}

Dearest Future Self,

August is almost over, I repeat, August is almost OVER. This is absolutely crazy!!
For the past two (or so) months Jarryd and I have been planning my family's trip out to Maryland; most of our energy has gone into anything and everything relating to their visit from  grocery lists, to bed/sleeping situations, itinerary, activities, places to see, and what baked-goods to make.

You spend all of the days leading up to their arrival just planning like crazy--striving for it to be perfect; and then after they leave you say to yourself, "hmm, now what? My brain is oddly quiet right now".

I doubt most people get as excited about their parents' visiting as I did this last time around. The last time I saw them was at Christmas and that was up in Canada! So this time, they flew all the way out here to beautiful Maryland. I'm tellin' you, it is SO cool when your two worlds collide (those being my Canadian world and my American world).
FINALLY my family got to see our new apartment and just see how we live our life here in general. The last time they were out here in Maryland, Jarryd and I had been married a little over a month, so that hardly even counted. We weren't "settled in" at all!

They left to go back home to Canada on Sunday and ever since then I've just felt nothing but thankfulness. I mean, I'm thankful to God all the time for my life, but recently it's been an overwhelming thankfulness. Being with my family again reminded me of how blessed I am to have been raised by two of the most amazing people I've ever known. Through them, God has given me an incredible 25 years of life, experiences, and adventures.

Everytime I look back at photos of myself that were taken on all my adventures in Canada, Europe, USA, ect, I try to read my face as best as I can; I look for any indication, ANY slight indication at all that I'm grasping just how good I have it. So often I want to go back in time, stand before myself, reach out and shake my own shoulders screaming, "do you know how amazing your life is right now?! I don't think so because I remember when this photo was taken and how you weren't actually very happy at the time. Jenny, you are crazy for ever NOT being happy!".

Sigh. I see pictures of myself standing with all of my best friends and wish I knew then that I was probably never going to be in the same room with all of those wonderful people at one time again. I wish I knew then how lucky I was to have so many friends who lived just a few minutes from my house. Nowadays, making friends isn't so simple.

I see pictures of myself lying on the grass on our old farm and wish I knew then that one day I'd be living in an apartment situated between 4 major U.S cities, longing to have that much space to roam again. I often wonder if I'll ever have that much peace and privacy to myself ever again.

I see pictures of myself at my high school graduation and wish I knew then what an amazing chapter of life I was going through. I had finally graduated and I literally could go anywhere and be anything that I wanted to be--and all I wanted to do was rush through it. It's sobering to think how every single choice I made back then was so crucial and life-altering.

If I never would have felt so career-oriented and brave I never would have gone to University in B.C. If I never would have felt so longingly for a change in scenery/way of life/school dynamic I never would have gone to Germany for Bible school.
If I never would have felt so passionate about continuing my degree in Christian ministry I never would have gone to Bible school in Saskatchewan.
If I never would have had my own kitchen in my dorm room there where I realized how much I actually enjoyed cooking and baking I never would have applied to Culinary School in Ontario.
If I never would have met Jarryd during my time in Germany and committed to long-distance dating and later said yes marriage, I would have never moved to Maryland, US.
If I never would have moved to Maryland, I don't think I'd ever appreciate the beauty of friendship the way I do now. I don't think I'd realize how warm, friendly, and welcoming my home country of Canada really is. I don't think I'd fully appreciate to the extent that I do now, how wonderful it was growing up in a Christian community surrounded by a huge support system of friends and family. I don't think I'd truly appreciate how fantastic it is to meet a person so friendly and genuine, and to realize how infrequent these types of people come around (so when you meet one, make sure you hold onto them).

All of these choices and decisions I made based on feeling "at-peace" with it all, have led me to this place: 25 years old, married for over 2 years, living in an entirely different country, working as a cook, exploring the beautiful country of the US of A, and sharpening my baking skills by doing cake/cupcake orders. Sometimes I STILL can't believe where I'm at right now!

I bet, in 5 years I'm going to look back at this moment, this memory, and say to myself, "you had it SO good Jenny. Your life was incredible at 25. How could you not have been truly happy?"

And my future self is right! There's something exciting about where Jarryd and I are at right now. It's just the two of us, no kiddos yet, and no careers that have the "power" to keep us tied down to hanging our hats in one specific area. Truthfully, we could pack up and move anywhere right now. If we really wanted, we could hand in our two-weeks-notices at work tomorrow and pack up and move within the following weeks. We could live anywhere we want to. It's exciting and nerve-wracking and overwhelming and thrilling! To think, this time next year we could be living in another town, another state, or another COUNTRY even! OR, we could just be in this exact same spot a year from now, here in Maryland (which...truthfully...doesn't give me any butterflies whatsoever, haha!).

God places us right where He wants us, doesn't he? It's only a matter of opening your ears to what He has in mind. Right now we're just praying for wisdom and discernment. Praying to be active in our faith and to be aware of all opportunities He lays out for us. We're exploring our options and trying to grow in Christ in the meantime.

So dearest future self (30-year-old Jenny), I'm here to tell you in August of 2016, I am truly happy and am truly thankful. I have it so good, and I don't have it good because of anything that I've done, but because of what God has done! :) <3

Sisterhood

"'Ahhhhhh,' Lena said as she waded in. It was funny to hear her voice aloud. Her thoughts and perceptions usually existed so deep inside her, they rarely made it to her surface without deliberate effort. Even when she saw something genuinely funny on television, she never laughed out loud when she was alone." {Ann Brashares}

Yep, you guessed it. I'm reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series again. The first book came out in 2001 when I was only 10 years old, and the movie came out when I was 14. I'm pretty positive I never actually read the books until I was at least 13 {I was too busy reading The Christy Miller series, obviously...}.

Call me a total cheeseball but I LOVE these books and I LOVE these movies even more! I would honestly just love to have a "sisterhood" of my own, made up of just me and three amazing women. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in present-day tense a "sisterhood" would actually be more commonly referred to as a "squad", yeah? Well, whatever, I like sisterhood better! "Squads" are more like acquaintance friends who just take selfies together. "Sisterhoods" meet around candlelight in old yoga studios, mail blue jeans around the world, and jump off cliffs. Am I right?!

These books and movies will always remind me of my trip to Israel in early 2011.

HOW on earth does one connect ISRAEL and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants together?! Well, my old college roomie/bestie would watch the movies whenever we had some downtime after a crazy day of traveling and touring. {Char, if you're reading this...I miss you terribly!!} We actually watched it twice during the whole trip. Don't worry, we didn't watch it during the day when we could've been outside exploring THE HOLY LAND. It was always late in the evening when it was too unwise of us to be outside roaming the streets in the dark. You know? For real though, the one time the two of us did walk the market late in the evening we were legitimately stalked. Then again, I got stalked AGAIN during pure daylight in a CHURCH.

{Despite all of the stalking, it was a country where I'd never felt safer. I'd feel safer walking around Israel than I would Maryland, to be honest.}

Oh man, all of the amazing memories are flooding back. {If you've never read about my trip to Israel, you really should!! I actually really enjoy going back to these old blog posts and laughing at my hilarious 19-year-old self--and the photos are awesome too. It truly was a fantastic season of life for me and I can't keep from thanking God for orchestrating such an incredible event in my life! He is SO good. Click HERE to read them!!}

ANYWAYS...back to Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is made up of four girls--Tibby {rebellious, sarcastic, blunt}, Bridget {courageous, confident, reckless}, Carmen {hot-tempered, introspective, passionate}, and Lena {quiet, stunningly gorgeous, introverted}.

In regards to relating to the characters, I always felt like I was Lena--and the paragraph I quoted up at the top is totally totally me. I'm artistic, I'm more quiet than the average joe, I'm introverted, ect., and I was always convinced that guys only liked me for my looks/didn't trust guys. {Just to be clear I do not think that I have that breathtakingly-beautiful-Mediterranean-Greek-Goddess-beauty about me like Lena does--which is pretty much her biggest "struggle"}. I wish, haha!

So yes, I always felt like I was Lena, but who I reeeeeally wanted to be was Bridget. Oh my goodness. Who wouldn't want to be a brave, confident, athletic, long-blonded soccer-superstar?! {In reality, she's the TOTAL opposite of me haha! Except for the long blonde hair thang...} Maybe it's because Blake Lively played her character in the movies and I just love her to bits?

But, as the years have gone by I have learned to fully embrace my Lena-ness and I truly love the quirky introverted self that God created me to be. It feels good. {I'm just glad I'm not Tibby, haha! Oops, did I say that aloud?}

I'm only 130 pages into the first book, and there's 5 books in total, sooooo, I know what I'm doing this summer! Haha! {P.S- *Spoiler Alert* one of the four girls dies in the last book. Crazy, right?! Hope I didn't ruin it for any of y'all.}

Is there any one of my blog readers who actually likes these books and/or movies? Or am I just the only one? Speak up! :D