April 23, 2017

Giving Up.

This blog post is dedicated to the fact that I can't get the new Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks to save my life--SOLD OUT. I'm officially giving up. OK, I'm totally kidding. I've only attempted trying to order that drink once in my life, which was 10 minutes ago, and I'm never going to give up trying to get a taste of that pink and blue beauty. There are other Starbucks in the area I can try...and once I get my hands on one, you'll know!

ANYWAY, what has my life come to, where I only write a minimum of one blog post a month? Or worse than that, NONE at all?! As I took a quick peek at my archives I found this to be such a sad realization, mostly because I love writing and blogging. I feel like blogging is my one chance to share my true self with the world without losing my train of thought, not quite saying what I meant to say, being constantly interrupted, or stumbling over my words.
I feel like every conversation with an acquaintance or even a friend is a rough draft of what I'm trying to say, and my writing/blogging done in solitude is my final draft. It's my final flawless piece, my perfectly executed chapter of this dramatic and extra-lengthy non-fiction novel that I like to call my life.


But that's just it, I'm not a perfect speaker and I don't think I ever will be. I am making steps towards it though! I find myself consciously trying not to react to someone's words right away, to seriously think before I speak. To not laugh when I don't think something is funny. Sorry guys, it's true. Sometimes I laugh just because I want to avoid any awkwardness that could potentially come with NOT laughing.
But honestly, living in this area of the U.S. has built me up some thicker skin. I've found myself standing up for things that I never used to think would be worth the pebble in the shoe of our relationship. I don't smile as much as I used to. To clarify, it's not because I'm unhappy, I just used to smile even while someone was taking a verbal stab at me, because I wanted to avoid conflict at any cost. Whereas now I can pull off a pretty good stone-cold face. Interesting, right?

It's been a rough couple of months for me. A part of me feels like this has been the hardest year of my life, but I have a hunch that I've said that at least 10 times before about my previous seasons of tribulations. How seriously can I really take that statement?
But I've been through some pretty unique situations these past few months. Both of Jarryds' grandparents passed away, exactly 8 short weeks a part. I baked my first wedding cake (the blog post for that is already written, and I'll be posting it to the public soon!), I attended a wedding AND a viewing AND a funeral in the same weekend. Have you ever taken a ride on the wedding AND funeral emotional rollercoaster?! No? Well, consider yourself blessed, well rested, and emotionally stable--oh and not in never-ending-recovery from the biggest social-hangover of your life. Phew!
On top of all of that, my job has alot to do with my exhaustion as well. I can't even stress to you how much I loathe waking up at 5:10 AM, five mornings a week. I've been at my job for a year and three months and I'm STILL not used to waking up that early. I know I won't be at this job forever, that this is just a temporary season, but I've had one foot out the door for half a year already.
In fact, I had an interview in March for a job that I really wanted. It was a perfect position for an introverted personality like mine, a place that closes EVERY holiday, and I wouldn't have to work evenings, weekends, OR wake up at 5:10 AM every morning! It was a job that would allow me to actually get enough sleep at night. AND this job would have allowed me to dedicate more time to BAKING.
I spent hours on that cover letter, my resume, and the application. But I blew it, you guys. When I received that REJECTION letter in the mail, ugh, that was enough to send me over the edge. It's been well over a month since I did that interview and I'm still going over what I said, what I shouldn't have said, and what I should have said. This is why I hate telling people about upcoming job interviews because you feel like an idiot explaining to them that you didn't get the job.
Rejection totally sucks and I keep asking God, why didn't you want me to have this job? What do you have planned for me that I'm just not seeing? Why do you want me working at my current job when you know how expending it is on me?You knew how badly I wanted this new job, and yet you have chosen to keep it from me...why??
These lyrics from the song "Still" by Hillary Scott have been my saving grace lately:

I believe that You are God alone
But sometimes I still try to take control
Cause I get scared when I can't see the end
And all You want from me is to let go

You're parting waters
Making a way for me
You're moving mountains that I don't even see

You've answered my prayer before I even speak
All You need for me to be is still

I bring my praise before I bring my need
Cause there's no fear You've not already seen
I rest my heart on all Your promises
Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness

I'm trying to be still, I really am. I'm striving to make daily decisions, OK more like second-to-second decisions to trust God and His timing. It's like I trust Him one moment, and then ten minutes later I'm worrying myself to death again.
Aside from how much I hate waking up so early everyday, the biggest reason why I wanted that other job was because it required half the amount of hours, and the commute was half the distance of my current commute. Heck, the job was in the state where I currently reside! I don't even work in the state I live in right now--and boy it's been real fun filing double the taxes. Thanks, Delaware. Ugh.
Being away from my apartment for 10 hours a day, (and two days a week I'm away from my apartment for 12+ hours a day because of my side cleaning job), has caused me major anxiety. I had a really bad anxiety attack at the beginning of the month because I have zero time for anything anymore. And because I was rejected at that potential job, I knew I had to give something up. I couldn't give up my full-time job on a whim because we need the money, I couldn't give up my marriage because obviously that's not even an option/nor a desire, I couldn't give up my sleep because I need that more than ever, and I couldn't give up house chores because a messy apartment drives me absolutely nuts. The only thing I could give up was baking. So I made a decision, right then and there in the midst of my shallow breathing and flowing tears that it was time to put my baking dream on the back-burner. (During this moment I was being super dramatic and told Jarryd that I was giving baking up FOREVER--but he wasn't having any of that. Seriously, he's never ever going to let me give up baking on a permanent basis, and that's a big reason why I love him...because I don't want to give it up permanently either.)

This totally sucked because baking/food photography is a skill of mine that makes me lose total track of time because of how immersed I get in it. It's something that I feel like I've gotten so much better at and have learned so much with already; it's something that I want to carry on for the rest of my life. It's something that Jarryd, friends, family, and even total strangers have told me I could be a SUCCESS in.
I had it all planned out, I was going to post a whole bunch of pictures on Facebook of desserts I was gonna sell for Easter with a certain percentage of the funds going to a friend to help her and her family out. I KNEW I could have sold alot. I knew it would have been a success, and a great financial help to her but I had to say no. Telling my friend that I wasn't able to help her out anymore was like...the lowest of the low feelings for me. I felt like I was letting her down as well as letting my baking-dream down, and felt like the weakest person ever. I told her the truth, of course, that baking while working full-time was causing anxiety attacks for me. And her words meant more to me than I think she'll ever know:

"For everything there is a season....perhaps now is not the right time for you to bake but that doesn't mean that a year from now God might not open a door for you. I know it's hard not to have what we want right when we want it but the amazing thing about being a Christian is knowing God has our best interest and only HE knows our future."

She was 100% right. This is just a season, and it's not like I'm giving up baking forever. I'm just giving up the pursuing of getting baking orders, while I'm working full-time. I ended up baking the following weekend for our Easter gathering, but it was SUPER simple, I'm talkin' 9 x 13 baking dish super simple! (And despite it being a simple recipe, it was a HIT!) But this weekend, was my very first baking-free weekend in MONTHS. Seriously, MONTHS. And look at me, I'm doing all the things I used to do! I've binge-watched some Friends, our apartment has been consistently clean for like two weeks, I'm keeping up with my shower schedule (haha!), I'm going to church and actually soaking up the sermons rather than sitting there stressing the entire time about everything I need to get done, and I'm even at Starbucks drinking my hot Caramel Macchiato and writing a blog post! AND I haven't cried yet this weekend. Amazing.

Todays sermon at church was on Psalm 127, "unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and you stay up late, toiling for food to eat--for He grants sleep to those He loves".
I've been building my house in vain. I've been trying to construct my life on my own terms, believing that my way is the best way and that God's way is a nice security blanket. I've been so wrong in this. I'm tired. Building my house on my own is exhausting, and I'm putting the tools down. God has a plan for me, I know He does. And I need to stop looking at other people's lives and wishing I had it as good as them. We are all on our own unique and circumstantial journeys, and we don't see every single part of everyone else's journeys. We don't see their struggles, or all the hard work they've put into their lives to be where they are today. God has chosen me to walk this specific path; I have no idea why because many times I don't feel competent enough or strong enough, but He sees something in me that I don't see...at least, yet.

I'm trying, guys. I'm striving to be thankful in all circumstances, to be content in any and every situation, and to take full responsibility for the choices I've made in my life that have brought me to the place I'm at now. I'm just so ready for a change in my life, I need a new normal, and a new routine...and perhaps putting my need for control down and giving it to God is the first step.

1 comment:

  1. Moving to Canada would be a great change and a new normal. :) Take the plunge.

    ReplyDelete