STAFF.

Have you ever been in one of those situations where you know, you just KNOW that this is exactly what God wants you to do? I mean, the fact that God has paved such a clear-as-day road to where you're supposed to be...there's no getting around it, there's no off-roading this time!
Let me explain here. A few days ago, I was planning on driving to Saskatchewan with my sister's family to help them move to a different house. But the morning of, when we were all getting ready to leave there was something inside of me telling me that I needed to stay home.
I honestly had no idea why...I didn't know anything would come of it. I was actually kicking myself because I thought I only wanted to stay home just so I could have the whole house to myself (which is...partly true, haha). I thought my only intention for staying home was for selfish reasons.
The next day I have one of my best friends over and she slips in the question, "by the way, what are you doing next week?" I look at my schedule. Nothing. Nada. Blank. Zero. I have absolutely NOTHING planned for that entire week. "Why?" I ask.
Papers are then filled out, 2 items of identification are needed, more papers are filled out, criminal record checks are done, and the next thing you know I am now in possession of this:

That's right. For one week, I'm going to be a counsellor at a Bible camp in Ontario!! What's awesome is that I'll be working with girls of the exact age group I love working with, and what's even more awesome is that I may be able to return for more weeks if I want to, even if it is just helping out in the kitchen or something.
And now you're wondering, well what does this have to do with knowing that this is exactly what God wants you to do? See, before I was asked to become a counsellor, I got a message from my last and only hope for a summer job that they are already full on staff. By having the answer to whether or not I'd be working at this job, which was a NO, I was able to say YES to working at camp! I mean, what if this other job would have hired me? Then I would have had to turn the camp thing down, which would have really sucked. And honestly, what are the odds that that whole week I had nothing up? That never happens!
Being a counsellor at camp is always something I have secretly wanted to do, I just had no drive to make the effort and just do it! But here, I had my best friend helping me every step of the way with everything and it has all been very easy so far so I know that this was meant to be! Even my getting my criminal record check was a breeze! Wow.
It's my first time ever doing something like this and I'm very excited and kinda nervous at the same time. Anybody have any advice or tips for me? :)

Queen Maybelline

Maybelline just turned fourteen didn’t get no birthday cake
Case 9173, she’s a custody of the state
She tells everybody she looks like her mama
‘Cause she’s never seen her daddy’s eyes
Just a throw away baby from the 1980s
Another unwanted child

Maybelline wears a turquoise ring that was found in her personal file
She assumes it was left as a clue that she might some day find
An aunt living in New Mexico or an uncle out in L.A.
She knows they’re out there somewhere ‘cause she sees them every day

When she flies out of her mind
To a beautiful place with sunny skies
She’s free when she dreams
She’s Queen Maybelline

Maybelline’s got a polaroid of all the different families
The Howser’s, Gimmon’s, Nicholson’s
Another short term memory
She never winds up anywhere but they don’t ask her to leave
An invisible girl in a cruel, cruel world
Still can’t find some peace

When she flies out of her mind
To a beautiful place with sunny skies
She’s free when she dreams
She’s Queen Maybelline

She knows God don’t make mistakes
She believes there’ll come a day
When she’ll finally finds her place

When she flies out of her mind
To a beautiful place with sunny skies
She’s free when she dreams
She’s Queen Maybelline

Free when she dreams
She’s Queen Maybelline
Free when she dreams
She’s Queen Maybelline

-The Band Perry

5 Miles.

I'm back from my Alaskan cruise and it was absolutely wonderful! After seeing scenery like that, there's no way you could believe there isn't a God. :)

Very cool things have been happening! One of them including the fact that I ran 5 miles straight without stopping yesterday. You don't even know how proud of myself I was. I haven't a clue where the adrenaline or stamina came from, but it was there. I found it funny how before I headed out the door, I was like "OK Jenny, we're gonna try to run for at least 15 minutes straight." But there I was, running 45 minutes straight!! And I was going to run again today, but I woke up this morning with my leg muscles screaming at me, so I decided I should give 'em a little rest. Tomorrow's the day where I once again run another 5 miles! (I hope)

And as for the other really amazing things that have occurred in my life, I will update ya'll in a few days when I have more details and conformation on them. All I can really say right now is that God is so good. :)

Angels.

"Among my frivolous thoughts
I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts
The indications revealed
(Wake me if you're out there)
That few of us realize life is quite surreal.
So if you're dying to see,
I guarantee there are angels around your vicinity."

-Owl City

The Real World.

"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."

-Owl City

Walk Me Down The Middle.

I was meant to be by your side
And I have waited here a long time
For you to turn around and notice me
But now you're here holding hands with me

Walk me down the middle of the county fair
Walk me down the middle like you don't care
Walk me by the ferris wheel
And make sure that she sees
Let the whole world know you belong to me

I heard about your bitter end
About how she stole your heart and put it back again
Well I may not be the prettiest girl around
But I sure am a sight for sore, sore eyes.
Walk me down the middle of Main Street
Walk me down where the whole town will be
I don't need no parade
But make sure that she sees
Let the whole word know you belong to me

I'd walk through fire for you
Walk through barbed wire for you
I'd walk for miles, it's true
Just to be with you

If you walk me down the middle of my momma's church
Walk me down that aisle in your finest shirt
Let the whole world know you will
Walk me down the middle of the county fair
Walk me down the middle like you don't care
Walk me by the ferris wheel
And make sure they see
Let the whole world know you belong to me
You belong to me.

-The Band Perry

Ready, set...attack!

I'm not the girl I used to be! When there's conflict in my life I will no longer flee from it; in fact, I'm going to fight it. I'm going to tackle it head-on!

Now, on a lighter note, I got a hold of "The Best of Frank Sinatra" album, and I am absolutely loving it. It brings me great happiness. When I listen to it...I feel like I'm in "When Harry Met Sally" or something. :)

June!

Wow, what a fabulous month June has been so far! Believe me, it has had its trials...which you have had the privilege (is that the right term?) to read about yourself. And thanks to everyone who has been reading, I have gotten a few notes of encouragement which mean alot to me. Receiving such things reminds me of the number one reason I enjoy blogging so much! It helps me grow in my walk with God and in my relationships with those who also love God. :)

The past few days have been spent...

with good friends,

heart-shaped ice cubes (thank you IKEA),

The realization that I want to start my very own teacup/china set collection,

good ole country fair fireworks,

church sunday school picnic (earning me a wicked bad sunburn),

complete with church baseball game (so much fun!),

applying for jobs,

editing videos for a Fathers Day surprise at church next Sunday,

walking and jogging in the sunshine,

reading AMAZING books written by Robin Jones Gunn,

holding my baby niece,

buying a brand new floral journal with matching stationary,

painting my pottery-piece at the ceramic studio,

watching NHL finals with my Dad,
and finally getting a hair cut so that I can now have a fresh start with growing long, healthy hair!

Alaskan cruise in t-minus 5 days! :)

Dear...

Nostalgia,
STOP it, and leave my sight, please!
You have this horrible power of making certain areas of my past better than they actually were.
...or is this just a bad case of optimism?
But nonetheless, Nostalgia, it's time for you to make your leave because you have overstayed your welcome, and I'd like to start living the present, thank you very much.

My past keep sneaking up behind me and it never ceases to drop all of its tears and regrets on me; if those things are over, and if those things are forgiven, then why does it get the best of my emotions? Sometimes I fear that these things will always haunt me...and I don't think I could handle them for the rest of my life. Dear God, I'm sorry. There are so many times when I just feel so alone in my struggles that I forget that you are here by my side. I know without a doubt that I couldn't live the rest of my life on my own. I could never find rest and peace as night and joy in the morning without your strength. Sometimes life scares me. I think of all the years ahead of me and I become insecure and fearful. God, I need you. I just need to take it a day at a time. Thank you for always holding my hand and for never forsaking me. You will never leave me and that brings me great comfort.

Fruit.

Well, I am doing alot better than I was a few days ago. It was nice, the day after that whole mess occurred I went on over to my women's Bible study group (it's wonderfully intimate with only 3 other ladies), and ended up unintentionally spilling my struggles about feeling unloved by this person. Not only did they all pray for me in this, but there was also some great Godly advice shared!

With great boldness I said:
"I don't want to be like this person at all; they're the last person I ever want to become. They're so---"
"Stop right there." One of the ladies interrupted me. "If you focus on the very thing you don't want to be like, your mind will be constantly wrapped around the thought of this person that inevitably, you will become exactly like this person. So instead of leading yourself down this dead end road, focus on the person you DO want to be like."

My mind began to weave through names and faces of people I could see myself role-modelling after. Well there's _____, He's always tremendously optimistic! Oh what about _____, despite everything she's been through, she's always been evidently in love with God. Or maybe _____, she possesses such a strong personality and wouldn't waver her beliefs for anyone! There's also---

"Jesus." She interrupted my thoughts.

"Jesus?" I clarified.

"Yes, Jesus." She repeated. "Focus on His characteristics, not just for the benefit and growth of you as a person, but for the benefit of others. First of all, it will make loving and showing love to this person much, much easier. And second of all, everyone around you will notice these beautiful characteristics about you and will want to know more about the God, the lover of your soul."

Never had I heard anything so true in my life; Focus on God, and you will be like God! Immediately my mind flipped to Galatians 5:22 in the Bible: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law...since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Jesus possesses all of these qualities, and it is these qualities that I want! And even when these qualities aren't shown by those around me, when I am feeling poked and prodded by negative criticisms, it's important for me to remember that I must STILL possess Jesus's qualities towards them. I know, easier said than done...but God can give me the strength to persevere and take it day by day.

Approving Nods?

It is 11 PM at night, and I need to vent. There is this person in my life who never has anything positive to say to me. They just criticizes me over and over again. Aren't Christians supposed to encourage each other? Aren't we supposed to lift each other up with the words we say and the things we do? If so, then why does this person insist on tearing me down all the time? And while this tearing down process is occurring, I just get a slight bit annoyed and don't care all too much telling myself that I'll just shrug it off and it will evaporate into thin, thin air. But after it ends, the wheels in my brain start turning and turning and turning until their discouragements go from measly little words progressing into giant page long paragraphs!!

And then all of these nasty thoughts enter into my head and I believe them! I believe that this person doesn't love me. I believe that I'll never be good enough for them. I believe that I'm living in the shadow of somebody whom I'll never match up to. I'm afraid to approach this person or even begin talking to this person because I just fear that they'll always find something new to criticize me about.

And because I'm what one might call a "people-pleaser", I just want for everybody to like me, so when this person criticizes me, my first instinct is to come up with ways as to how I can change to gain their approval. I just want for them to be proud of me and my achievements! And then it makes me frustrated because as Christians, we are not living for other people! We are not here on this earth to gain approval from those around us. We are here to serve God. I mean, 1 Corinthians 7:23 clearly states that we "were bought with a price; do NOT become slaves of men!"

Overall, this whole situation has made me feel like a complete failure, and it makes me dread the morning because the last thing I want to do is wake up and relive all this unmet expectation mess all over again. I just hate how this person judges me and how they think they know me and how they think that they know how the rest of my life should be lived out. Then I think of all the times I've ever judged another person and in turn I profusely asked God to forgive me for ever doing so because it hurts. When you're the person being misunderstood and judged, it hurts.

Yes, I know that I have made mistakes, but that doesn't give them any right to kick me while I'm down. "Words of Affirmation" is one of my love languages, so instead whan I am given "Words of Disapproval" then I feel genuinely unloved...I feel very, very unloved.

My pride tells me that I should just ignore them, suck it up, and then turn into a cold, stone wall towards them. But the God that I love and worship tells me that I need to show love even when I feel like I'm being persecuted. Jesus is telling me that I'm not what the lies are telling me. I am not a failure, and I am not unloved.

So what if I do live in the shadow of somebody else's "greater" accomplishments? That doesn't make them any better than me. We are all equal in God's eyes. And so what if I want to live against the social norm! (Who invented those annoying "norms" anyway?) I WANT to be different. I WANT to be my own person. I WANT to live my life the way God wants me to. God doesn't want us all doing the same things at the same time under the same schedule and same routine. God created us all different, therefore we have different personalities, likes and dislikes, and different desires. My desire is to live the way God wants me to live. Trust me, letting go and following God's plan for our lives can lead us to do some pretty crazy things...things that appear absolutely insane to outsiders.

This venting session helped me, and I don't think there are any more tears to shed. God is slowly reminding me that I am here on earth for Him and only Him, and not for the approving nods of others, because in the end, it's their judging-eyes that they have to live with. Their standards of expectations are worldly and will vanish as soon as life is over. Whereas, God's expectations for us are eternal. His opinion is the only one that matters to me, therefore, it's His opinion that I'm going to live by. It's wrong to let the sun go down on your anger, so I just need prayer that this bitterness will be taken away and that I can once again be filled with an optimistic outlook on life. I just want to wake up in the morning with strength and a big, fearless heart!

A Good Start.

I think I stumbled upon the 8th World Wonder: Earl Grey Black Tea, with skim milk and sugar.
Mmmmm MMMM! :)

and old knitted slippers.

A good start to the day I think. :)

Peter.

Wow! Would ya look at that? I am now on my 5th-day consecutive blog entry. I guess my inspiration and creative desire just comes in spontaneous spurts, and I feel like I am finally living up to my word of "I'm going to blog more, I promise!!".

Today I did many things; I made myself a fried egg sandwich for a late lunch.
I vacuumed. (I love cleaning!!)
I washed the hardwood floors. (I still love cleaning!!)
I washed the dishes. (Guess what, I still love cleaning!)
My sister taught me how to fold towels the RIGHT way. It's actually pretty neat.
I bought myself like 35 hangers and I STILL don't have enough for all the shirts in my closet. Ridiculous.
I drank like...5 cups of Green Tea. Talk about addicted.
I ran over to my sister's house for supper.
For the first time in my life I stopped my baby niece from crying. (!!!) I think I'm getting better at this whole "preparation for motherhood" thing.
I had two skype dates this evening.
I made a commitment to myself that I would start taking better care of my hair. It is so incredibly unhealthy and its length is disappearing.
I read the book of 1 Peter. It was lovely. I told myself I would choose my most favourite and meaningful passage from there, and although it was quite hard, I was able to choose one. "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy you also be holy in all your conduct." 1 Peter 1:14-15. What this verse is screaming to me is, "Jenny, do not be that girl you were last summer! Do not search in all the wrong places in hopes to fill any emptiness you feel inside of you. The only person who can fill that void is Jesus Christ."

God Bless America.

Just for fun I decided to look at some of my old blog posts and I found something quite interesting!

Written Monday August 3rd, 2009 is "I LOVE American accents."

...so...how surprising then, is it that I'm dating an American now two years later? Not one bit. :)

Sundry Thoughts on a Saturday Night.

Today I learnt a new word: Sundry. It means "various items not important enough to be mentioned individually". I felt this was relevant to all the things on my mind right now. Read at your own discretion, or...your own boredom.
My favorite song right now is "are you gonna kiss me or not?" sung by Julia Sheer. It places tens of thousands of butterflies in my tummy.
I'd be lost if I wouldn't get to see my boyfriend's face on Skype everyday...if even for a few minutes.
I absolutely love reading a good romance novel by -Christian- author Robin Jones Gunn, in bed, while sipping a cup of green tea, waiting for my eyes to fall themselves to sleep.
Being woken up to a thunderstorm in the morning is the best feeling.
It hurts when the woman you think is the most beautiful woman in the world is going through something hard, because the only thing that's running through your mind is that she's the last person who should ever be feeling that way. It's faith-shaking...yet it seems to makes you pray a little harder.
I love love love cleaning. And this is not being said in a sarcastic tone! It is completely legitimate. I especially enjoy cleaning in the middle of the night...not sure why.
I am actually extremely fond of this bowl I painted at a ceramic studio in the city.
a) the bowl is so deep that it's perfect for indulging in Mini-Wheats cereal! And
b) It's so ME. Anything pink and floral is Jenny. Ask anyone. :)
This afternoon I went again to the ceramic studio and created another work of art! I'll show it to you next week!

These last few days, demons have been attacking me. Not physically, but mentally; they have taken over my thoughts. I think things I shouldn't be thinking...and they hurt me. It is so disheartening because I know that no matter what I do I cannot get rid of them on my own, for I am not powerful enough. But I have asked God for self-control, that these thoughts wouldn't consume me, and it's helping. Psalm 91 helps me in stating that "He who dwells in the shelter of the most high will abide in the shadow of the almighty. I will say to the Lord: 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence..." Remember Jenny, God is bigger than the thoughts that enter your mind!
I haven't worked out in over a month. Yikes. Help!
I was going to blog about this the other day, but I'd just like to say that I love the movie Fireproof. It's a Christian flick, BUT surprisingly enough, it's not cheaply made with bad acting. I cried several times throughout this movie too; I guess it's because it's my worst fear coming true. But two hours later, it ends happily...giving me hope.
I'm going to college in the fall and I still have no clue as to what I want to major in. I'm thinking either social sciences or humanities. We'll see. But I definitely already signed up for an accounting class. Phew!
My Alaskan cruise is coming up in less than two weeks folks! And oh boy am I ever excited!
I love my friends...and I am blessed to not be able to count them all on both hands.
The very last of my sundry thought life is telling me that it is bed time. Guten nacht and God bless you.

I think we've got a real good shot.

We were sittin' up there on your momma's roof
Talkin' bout everything under the moon
With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume
All I could think about was my next move
Oh, but you were so shy and so was I
Maybe that's why it was so hard to believe
When you smiled and said to me...

Are you gonna kiss me or not
Are we gonna do this or what
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're 'bout to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not

It was the best dang kiss that I'd ever had
Except for that long one after that
And I knew if I wanted this thing to last
Sooner or later I'd have to ask
For your hand
So I took a chance
Bought a wedding band
And I got down on one knee
And you smiled and said to me

Are you gonna kiss me or not
Are we gonna do this or what
I think you know I love you a lot
I think we've got a real good shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not

So, we planned it all out for the middle of June
From the wedding cake to the honeymoon
And your momma cried when you walked down the aisle
When the preacher man said say I Do
I did, and you did, too
Then I lifted that veil and saw your pretty smile
And I said...

Are you gonna kiss me or not
Are we gonna do this or what
Look at all the love that we've got
And it ain't never gonna stop
Are you gonna kiss me or not

Yeah baby I love you a lot
I really think we've got a shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not

-Thompson Square (but Julia Sheer does a better cover)

Dandelions.

Why, hello there blog. I have missed you! Is it weird to say that I really truly do miss my blog? The truth is, I rarely write anymore. Back in Germany I kept a neat little journal on my bedside shelf and wrote in it habitually. But now...that just doesn't happen anymore. And it's not as if my life isn't as exciting---believe me, my small town country life is seriously just as fun and rousing as my gypsy-throw-caution-to-the-wind-European life. (as unbelievable as that may sound, haha) I guess I just have other things on my mind. But I have come to the conclusion that I need to grab these "other things on my mind" and lay them out here on my blog for the world to see.

It pains me to admit this, but lately I have been feeling spiritually drained; it's as if I have ventured from a lush rainforest into a dry and scaly desert. (kind of like the heels of my feet these days...) It's been two months since Bible school in Germany (my rainforest) and the very thing which I continually prayed against while safe in my cozy little rain forest has now breached the surface. My prayer was something like this,

"I pray that after being in this six month spiritual high, that it wouldn't be just a 'spiritual high'. I pray that it will be something that'll last the rest of my lifetime and into eternity. All in all, I don't want to be the girl I was last summer. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to take anything, especially my friends and family, for granted. I don't want to gossip or say mean things. I just want to be focused on God and have the strength to love the only way He can love through me."

I can be thankful that many, many things that God changed in me are still evident in my life and have not vanished into thin air. Trust me, I thank God for this everyday. But on the other hand, there are fragments of my "old" self (my deepest thoughts, my actions, my personality) that are inching their way back into my life without even my consent. In conclusion, parts of me have changed for the complete better (yay!), but there are other parts of me that I am still struggling with. It really is the worst when you go so long patting yourself on the back because you sincerely believed that your past was your past, and that your past was about to be forgotten for good, forever, and suddenly you realize that your past still lives inside of you. It was as if I was a garden and my past and struggles were dandelions. And when I decided to weed the garden one lovely summer day (a.k.a my six months in Germany), I plucked the whole garden of those pesky yellow weeds and gave my garden a confident nod of approval. Only to find that the next day my garden was once again infested with dandelions. Apparently I rid everything about the dandelions but their roots. Above the soil it looked maintained, but beneath...it was a jungle of tangled webs. And that, folks, are the kind of analogies that go through my head late at night. Henceforth, I need to stop what I'm doing, and go to bed. I honestly was going to write about something totally different but my unhinged-door of a mind got the best of me.

Good night, sleep tight, and God bless.