June 8, 2011

Approving Nods?

It is 11 PM at night, and I need to vent. There is this person in my life who never has anything positive to say to me. They just criticizes me over and over again. Aren't Christians supposed to encourage each other? Aren't we supposed to lift each other up with the words we say and the things we do? If so, then why does this person insist on tearing me down all the time? And while this tearing down process is occurring, I just get a slight bit annoyed and don't care all too much telling myself that I'll just shrug it off and it will evaporate into thin, thin air. But after it ends, the wheels in my brain start turning and turning and turning until their discouragements go from measly little words progressing into giant page long paragraphs!!

And then all of these nasty thoughts enter into my head and I believe them! I believe that this person doesn't love me. I believe that I'll never be good enough for them. I believe that I'm living in the shadow of somebody whom I'll never match up to. I'm afraid to approach this person or even begin talking to this person because I just fear that they'll always find something new to criticize me about.

And because I'm what one might call a "people-pleaser", I just want for everybody to like me, so when this person criticizes me, my first instinct is to come up with ways as to how I can change to gain their approval. I just want for them to be proud of me and my achievements! And then it makes me frustrated because as Christians, we are not living for other people! We are not here on this earth to gain approval from those around us. We are here to serve God. I mean, 1 Corinthians 7:23 clearly states that we "were bought with a price; do NOT become slaves of men!"

Overall, this whole situation has made me feel like a complete failure, and it makes me dread the morning because the last thing I want to do is wake up and relive all this unmet expectation mess all over again. I just hate how this person judges me and how they think they know me and how they think that they know how the rest of my life should be lived out. Then I think of all the times I've ever judged another person and in turn I profusely asked God to forgive me for ever doing so because it hurts. When you're the person being misunderstood and judged, it hurts.

Yes, I know that I have made mistakes, but that doesn't give them any right to kick me while I'm down. "Words of Affirmation" is one of my love languages, so instead whan I am given "Words of Disapproval" then I feel genuinely unloved...I feel very, very unloved.

My pride tells me that I should just ignore them, suck it up, and then turn into a cold, stone wall towards them. But the God that I love and worship tells me that I need to show love even when I feel like I'm being persecuted. Jesus is telling me that I'm not what the lies are telling me. I am not a failure, and I am not unloved.

So what if I do live in the shadow of somebody else's "greater" accomplishments? That doesn't make them any better than me. We are all equal in God's eyes. And so what if I want to live against the social norm! (Who invented those annoying "norms" anyway?) I WANT to be different. I WANT to be my own person. I WANT to live my life the way God wants me to. God doesn't want us all doing the same things at the same time under the same schedule and same routine. God created us all different, therefore we have different personalities, likes and dislikes, and different desires. My desire is to live the way God wants me to live. Trust me, letting go and following God's plan for our lives can lead us to do some pretty crazy things...things that appear absolutely insane to outsiders.

This venting session helped me, and I don't think there are any more tears to shed. God is slowly reminding me that I am here on earth for Him and only Him, and not for the approving nods of others, because in the end, it's their judging-eyes that they have to live with. Their standards of expectations are worldly and will vanish as soon as life is over. Whereas, God's expectations for us are eternal. His opinion is the only one that matters to me, therefore, it's His opinion that I'm going to live by. It's wrong to let the sun go down on your anger, so I just need prayer that this bitterness will be taken away and that I can once again be filled with an optimistic outlook on life. I just want to wake up in the morning with strength and a big, fearless heart!


  1. amen. :)
    hope you wake up tomorrow with lots of love & courage. <3

  2. Jennifer!!! Who is this person? Why didn't we talk about this tonight? D:

    You are a truly talented writer my dear friend :)

  3. thanks Joey! I am feeling alot better now :) Prayer really does help!

    and thank you Sam!!! And we didn't talk about it because we had SO much to talk about. I think we need a good 7 days to cover everything. :) Or a trip to Fargo? haha