June 2, 2011


Why, hello there blog. I have missed you! Is it weird to say that I really truly do miss my blog? The truth is, I rarely write anymore. Back in Germany I kept a neat little journal on my bedside shelf and wrote in it habitually. But now...that just doesn't happen anymore. And it's not as if my life isn't as exciting---believe me, my small town country life is seriously just as fun and rousing as my gypsy-throw-caution-to-the-wind-European life. (as unbelievable as that may sound, haha) I guess I just have other things on my mind. But I have come to the conclusion that I need to grab these "other things on my mind" and lay them out here on my blog for the world to see.

It pains me to admit this, but lately I have been feeling spiritually drained; it's as if I have ventured from a lush rainforest into a dry and scaly desert. (kind of like the heels of my feet these days...) It's been two months since Bible school in Germany (my rainforest) and the very thing which I continually prayed against while safe in my cozy little rain forest has now breached the surface. My prayer was something like this,

"I pray that after being in this six month spiritual high, that it wouldn't be just a 'spiritual high'. I pray that it will be something that'll last the rest of my lifetime and into eternity. All in all, I don't want to be the girl I was last summer. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to take anything, especially my friends and family, for granted. I don't want to gossip or say mean things. I just want to be focused on God and have the strength to love the only way He can love through me."

I can be thankful that many, many things that God changed in me are still evident in my life and have not vanished into thin air. Trust me, I thank God for this everyday. But on the other hand, there are fragments of my "old" self (my deepest thoughts, my actions, my personality) that are inching their way back into my life without even my consent. In conclusion, parts of me have changed for the complete better (yay!), but there are other parts of me that I am still struggling with. It really is the worst when you go so long patting yourself on the back because you sincerely believed that your past was your past, and that your past was about to be forgotten for good, forever, and suddenly you realize that your past still lives inside of you. It was as if I was a garden and my past and struggles were dandelions. And when I decided to weed the garden one lovely summer day (a.k.a my six months in Germany), I plucked the whole garden of those pesky yellow weeds and gave my garden a confident nod of approval. Only to find that the next day my garden was once again infested with dandelions. Apparently I rid everything about the dandelions but their roots. Above the soil it looked maintained, but beneath...it was a jungle of tangled webs. And that, folks, are the kind of analogies that go through my head late at night. Henceforth, I need to stop what I'm doing, and go to bed. I honestly was going to write about something totally different but my unhinged-door of a mind got the best of me.

Good night, sleep tight, and God bless.

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