I could go on to explain how much I love tea and traveling, or how excited I am to go back to college this fall to study and learn, but it isn't these things that define who I am; it's my relationship with Jesus Christ that totally, and completely defines me.
Sometimes when life becomes overwhelming, I forget who I am...and when I forget who I am, ultimately...I feel lost, confused, and alone.
So, I did some research. I asked God: God, who am I? and He answered to me through my little pink Bible.
I am...
Christ's friend,
Blessed,
Forgiven,
Free from condemnation,
Given the mind of Christ,
A new creation,
A temple of God,
A member of Christ's body,
A citizen of Heaven,
Rescued from Satan's domain,
A child of light,
A stranger of this world,
Victorious,
Delivered,
Protected,
Persevering,
Overcoming,
Safe,
Set free,
United with other believers,
Growing,
His disciple,
Not alone,
Dead to sin,
Strong,
A servant,
Completed by God,
Possessing peace, hope, and a purpose.
I am adopted as His child. :)
July 31, 2011
Who Am I?
July 30, 2011
Calendar.
Today I saw August in a 2012 calendar.
That's one year from now.
Who will she be, this girl? And will I like her?
Money Money Money.
I'm drowning in a pool of regret. My bank account looks on the rather more ...pitiful side, and I blame my high school years!! All those not-even-worth-it movie tickets, eating fattening food at lame restaurants, Seventeen magazines, shopping sprees at teeny-bopper clothing stores...I wish I could take it all back!
It physically hurts me when I imagine how my bank account would be BURSTING at the seams if I just would have learned to save my money.
This summer I have been doing REALLY well, and I am tremendously proud of myself. I never spend money on food any more, instead of seeing a movie a minimum of once a week like I used to (10 bucks a movie), I see one every two months, and when I go clothes shopping (now a rare occasion), it's suddenly so easy to put things back on the shelf and walk away. And read at your own risk: I only wash my hair once every 7 days so I save so much on hair products! Woohoo!
In my own personal books, the only things worth spending money on are as follows:
a) flights & trains & hotels
b) falafels and pita's in Israel
c) white pants from France
d) tea cups from Germany
e) floral notebooks from Winners
f) Hollister jeans
g) batting cages
h) cowboy boots.
That's it!
July 29, 2011
The Life of an Unemployed 20-Year-Old Female;
Laid back swervin' like I'm George Jones.
Smoke rollin' out the window,
An' ice cold beer sittin' in the console.
Memory lane up in the headlights,
It's got me reminiscing on them good times.
I'm turning off of real life, drivin' that's right,
I'm hittin' easy street on mud tires."
July 28, 2011
Alohaaa!
Three words and a four digit number for you:
Cruise ... Hawaii ... August 2012.
:) That's all.
July 27, 2011
The Message.
When I was counselling at Bible camp a few weeks ago, one of the activities for the campers would be a "discovery time" session. This is where the boys and girls would be split up; girls with the female speaker, and boys with the male speaker. It wasn't mandatory for counsellors to join in on this activity but I felt I needed some discovery time for myself, so why not?
It was during these sessions where we were all given a copy of The Message Bible (New Testament). The cover of this Bible was suuuuuper cheesy, let me tell you. It was plastered with pictures of families all havin' a good time playing in the park with their loyal, friendly golden retrievers; just LOVING LIFE. So all of us girls then duct-taped brown paper over and around these covers, creating a clean slate, now able to personalize it and make it our own. I'm rather fond of love, so I stuck a heart on the centre, and then I wrote a few of my favorite Bible verses on the front. It turned out something like this:
This Bible is absolutely incredible. I'm not trying to idolize this book in my hands or anything, but I wish I would've had this when I was their age, 14, 15, and 16. I don't know about you, but throughout high school I found the Bible to be so boring, outdated, and old fashioned; I felt like it was completely irrelevant to everything I was going through at the time. I mean, what did the Bible know about how to impress guys, how to fit in at school, how to make more friends, or how to live a flashy life in the 1990's to 2000's? Was it because I was only reading Numbers and Leviticus? Ha! No. It was simply because the Bible was so hard for me to understand; Therefore, with no understanding, there is no applying! I'm not going to lie, even now at 20 years of age I still feel its sometimes hard to understand everything the Bible tells me.
This Message Bible is simply the Bible written in a contemporary english language. In other words, its everyday language that we hear and speak! It makes me actually look forward to reading the Bible and it inspires me to no end!
Here's a passage taken from the Message Bible which is ridiculously messily underlined and doodled over in my Bible:
"No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always 'me first',
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies...
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as He knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: TRUST steadily in God, HOPE unswervingly, LOVE extravagantly. And the best of the three is LOVE." -1 Corinthians 13:3-13
I absolutely love that passage! So I just encourage anyone who is struggling to even open their Bible, to just give this one a shot. And like we did at camp, make this Bible your own. Scribble in it with different coloured pens and markers (I recommend Stabilo pens found in Germany, haha), write along the spine, write along the margins, draw pictures, beside verses write down cross-references to other bible verses; highlight and underline! Study it and then live it! Because this book is God's personal letter written to YOU. <3
July 26, 2011
US of A
Despite all the trips to Alberta, Saskatchewan, Ontario, North Dakota, Alaska, and the two seconds spent in the Yukon... I figured that I haven't traveled enough this summer. So, today my ticket to Maryland USA has FINALLY been purchased. You know, long-distance relationships have their perks. My perk, is that it gives me an excuse to travel. If I think of more perks, I'll let you know.
Can't wait. <3
July 25, 2011
Dear Mr. Chesney
Except for every second and every word
Every drop of rain, every single grain of sand...
The sidewalks, the streets were soaked,
The sky was gray but you should've seen her face
Shining like that lighthouse through all the rain
And the way she called my name,
I've lived those seven days a thousand times
Those seven days a thousand times."
July 24, 2011
Temporary.
I miss that spiritual feast I had every single day in Germany.
This is so different; this is so hard.
Many times I feel like I'm not quite fitting in here. It's painful, questioning the people that are around me, and it's just a tiresome thought in itself. I wonder what went wrong, and what could God have possibly been thinking when he placed me here?
But then I remember...it hits me...and I immediately am able to breathe in and out, a sigh of relief. This world is only my temporary home. My parents are my earthly parents...my sisters and my brother are my earthly sisters and brother, and my friends are my earthly friends.
1 Peter 2:11 "Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul."
Colossians 2:3 "Set your mind on the things that are above, not on the things that are upon the earth."
It's all just a good reminder.
July 22, 2011
Note To Self:
...never ever run with an iPod because the one time I DON'T, I end up running over 9 km straight. (for all you Americans--that's 5.6 miles)
I realized that I love the sound of my footsteps hitting the pavement. I love hearing the little bugs in the grass make all those weird sounds that I can't even try to imitate. I love being able to actually hear when a car is approaching behind me so it doesn't scare the protons out of me while it passes.
Now if only I could make a habit outta this whole running thing...
July 20, 2011
Countrayy Puppy Chow.
Today as I was buying ingredients at the grocery for my puppy-chow dessert, I stumbled upon an iTunes card.
Bought it.
Drove home.
Clicked "Redeem".
Entered code.
Got myself some brand new (to my iTunes)...
Hunter Hayes,
Gloriana,
Tara Oram,
Jimmy Rankin,
Pistol Annies,
and of course...Chris Young.
I am SO excited! :)
and the puppy-chow isn't so bad either.
or the sugar-sprinkled strawberries.
Neither is the American Eagle dress I bought today,
the weather,
or my new baby pink nail polish.
The greasy braid in my hair is also pretty decent.
July 19, 2011
Run.
I just put the book down.
I nuzzled myself under the light of the sun, wedged between the seat and my loving pillow. Ounces of despair weigh down my heart; why am I so easily influenced?
The eyes soak in one tale of misfortune and I'm tied and bound until the bitter end.
The ears are listening, always listening, unintentionally yet deliberately with a purpose listening. Their caves and creases are forever deepening.
I tell myself that I've heard enough, but in them is always a scorching drought, always thirsting for more. They beg for happiness.
They itch for a piercing anger.
They're waiting on inspiration,
and they're craving sadness, pleading that you'll let them wade and wallow in their sadness, that you'll just leave them be.
Sometimes they put up walls, those minuscule barricades that are realized only in hindsight to be made of paper. We strategically construct these thin walls to deter those certain soundwaves.
We avoid happiness.
We neglect that piercing anger.
We dodge inspiration and ignore that hurt and sadness.
But isn't it obvious? Paper bends; paper folds.
It slips itself into a soft blanket when tears are involved.
It burns a fiery blaze.
It rips into shreds and in time, papers' skin grows old and aged.
These makeshift walls are weak. With such knowledge, how can we keep wearing our surprised faces? It's no revelation when those rather-have-been-forgotten hurtful words creep back up on us. Seeing the ghost of the one who broke your heart isn't startling. What about that haunting criticism? You know, the time you were told you weren't good enough? Well there's nothing frightening about its sudden appearance.
We torture ourselves until we begin to hate ourselves. We force questions and thrust statements upon ourselves that are drowning in redundancy:
Why am I still here?
Why is this on my mind?
I thought I was over this.
I thought I was stronger than this.
I'm living my life in reverse.
My mind is a mere broken record.
What am I doing wrong?
And with regretful tears we can't help but sputtering: I thought I wasn't that girl I used to be.
With all this talk of eyes, ears, and walls, I can't help but wonder upon this. I need to contemplate this. I'm desperate for a solution. Hmmm...we could do as the Bible has said, "when your left eye causes you to sin, gauge it out." It's easy, yes. But it's not that easy; I don't want to have to pluck my eye out or slice my ear off during times like these. There is a more practical remedy, this I KNOW.
There are some things we absorb that we have limited control over. As sunscreen can only block the sun's rays for a few some minutes, we can lock ourselves away--refusing to see anyone, hear anyone, or talk to anyone--for only so much time before our bodies begin to transform into hermits, or a practically a new breed of vegetable. With that being said, we can't hide behind paper walls from the world and its opinions, but we can create filters for ourselves; choose yours novels wisely. If certain songs bring back painful memories, delete them. If movies only depress you and kill all the good inside of you, burn them. If your friends are causing you to sin, think those relationships over and do what you have to do.
These thoughts, these images, these ghosts, those stinging words that go in one ear and unfortunately don't even dare go out the other, these are nothing to fabricate a self-loathe over. They're simply just...temptations. They are what I like to call "attacks"...they attack you in battle until you're beat and bloodied. They take a stab at your weakest points when you least expect it, causing your mind to twirl until a breakdown occurs. So many times I've convinced myself that these attacks have proven my failures, my weaknesses, and my lack of strength; it's as if every prayer I've prayed and every strenuous day within my two years of transformation have vanished into thin air...like I've gone backwards.
BUT, to be blunt: that's completely idiotic. Temptation isn't sin! Depending on how you choose to react to that temptation is sin! When you're tempted to relive old memories, forcing you down a path of hate, sadness, and anger...I dare you to run.
Before I close this entry off, I'd like to say two amazing facts that I've come to learn the hard way:
One, God will carry all your burdens for you if you just go to Him,
and two, God always forgives.
July 17, 2011
July 12, 2011
My Favourite Cup.
The best feeling in the world: coming home from a 5 mile run/walk to a tall glass of cold skim milk in my favourite cup. It's such a special moment that I had to take a photo. :)
July 11, 2011
Spider No More.
I just killed a spider with my bare hands--now that is something worth talkin' about! :)
July 10, 2011
Cares.
"I cast all my cares upon You,
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet,
and anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon You."
Many times I'm afraid to go to God, and many times I believe that it's a pride issue. I hold a selfish confidence in myself that whatever I happen to be dealing with at the time, it's something that I can handle myself. "God, you know that I love you, but I just want to leave you out of this issue. I can do it on my own, I promise."
These last few days I've been letting go of this pride issue, and I've been going to God with everything on my heart. Countless times in the Bible it tells us to "cast our cares upon Jesus" because He cares for us. Hiding from Him is like telling Him, "I do not need you, because I don't believe that you can help me." Can you imagine telling one of your best friends that? I can't. Therefore, how could I ever tell Jesus that?
God already knows whats on our hearts, He knows our every thought, but He still wants us to depend on Him for everything. And since He knows everything, it's important to be honest. Sometimes I tell Him, "God, I really just don't feel like talking to you right now because I am so frustrated and am too hurt to talk. The last thing I feel like doing is reading my Bible." I find that the more honest I am, the easier it is for me to open up.
Truth is, every time I cast my cares upon Jesus, I feel better. I feel like a huge burden is lifted from me because I don't feel alone anymore. I have somebody to help me through it all, somebody who understands me completely...I always will.
July 2, 2011
Chuggin' Along
Some days you got it all together
You swear you have it figured out
Other days you're stumbling and a wondering
What it's all about
Life's kind of funny like that
Sometimes you're the dog sometimes you're the cat
All you can do is just keep going
And thank God for what you have
Keep chuggin' along
Keep singing your song
Put the plow in the ground till the daylights gone
When you look back over your shoulder
At everything you've done
Put the good in your pocket
Let the bad ones make you strong
Keep chuggin' along
Sometimes you get a bill in the mail
You don't know how you're gonna pay
Then your baby wraps her arms around you
And makes it all go away
Life's kinda funny like that
Sometimes you're the train sometimes you're the track
And when that sun goes down
And there ain't no goin' back
Keep chuggin' along
Keep singing your song
Put the plow in the ground till the daylights gone
When you look back over your shoulder
At everything you've done
Put the good in your pocket
Let the bad ones make you strong
Keep chuggin' along
-Luke Bryan
July 1, 2011
You'll Take Me Back.
The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall and bring your name down
But I have found in you
A heart that pleads FORGIVENESS
Replacing all these thoughts
Of painful memories
But I know
That your response will always be
I'll take you back always
And even when your fight is over now
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
And even when the pain is coming through
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back
You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I take all I can
And lay it down
Before the throne of endless grace, now
That radiates what's true
I'm in the only place
That erases all these faults
That have overtaken me
But I know
That your response will always be
I can only speak
With a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift
Of your love
I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough
You'll take me back.