July 19, 2011


I just put the book down.
I nuzzled myself under the light of the sun, wedged between the seat and my loving pillow. Ounces of despair weigh down my heart; why am I so easily influenced?
The eyes soak in one tale of misfortune and I'm tied and bound until the bitter end.
The ears are listening, always listening, unintentionally yet deliberately with a purpose listening. Their caves and creases are forever deepening.
I tell myself that I've heard enough, but in them is always a scorching drought, always thirsting for more. They beg for happiness.
They itch for a piercing anger.
They're waiting on inspiration,
and they're craving sadness, pleading that you'll let them wade and wallow in their sadness, that you'll just leave them be.

Sometimes they put up walls, those minuscule barricades that are realized only in hindsight to be made of paper. We strategically construct these thin walls to deter those certain soundwaves.
We avoid happiness.
We neglect that piercing anger.
We dodge inspiration and ignore that hurt and sadness.
But isn't it obvious? Paper bends; paper folds.
It slips itself into a soft blanket when tears are involved.
It burns a fiery blaze.
It rips into shreds and in time, papers' skin grows old and aged.

These makeshift walls are weak. With such knowledge, how can we keep wearing our surprised faces? It's no revelation when those rather-have-been-forgotten hurtful words creep back up on us. Seeing the ghost of the one who broke your heart isn't startling. What about that haunting criticism? You know, the time you were told you weren't good enough? Well there's nothing frightening about its sudden appearance.
We torture ourselves until we begin to hate ourselves. We force questions and thrust statements upon ourselves that are drowning in redundancy:
Why am I still here?
Why is this on my mind?
I thought I was over this.
I thought I was stronger than this.
I'm living my life in reverse.
My mind is a mere broken record.
What am I doing wrong?
And with regretful tears we can't help but sputtering: I thought I wasn't that girl I used to be.

With all this talk of eyes, ears, and walls, I can't help but wonder upon this. I need to contemplate this. I'm desperate for a solution. Hmmm...we could do as the Bible has said, "when your left eye causes you to sin, gauge it out." It's easy, yes. But it's not that easy; I don't want to have to pluck my eye out or slice my ear off during times like these. There is a more practical remedy, this I KNOW.
There are some things we absorb that we have limited control over. As sunscreen can only block the sun's rays for a few some minutes, we can lock ourselves away--refusing to see anyone, hear anyone, or talk to anyone--for only so much time before our bodies begin to transform into hermits, or a practically a new breed of vegetable. With that being said, we can't hide behind paper walls from the world and its opinions, but we can create filters for ourselves; choose yours novels wisely. If certain songs bring back painful memories, delete them. If movies only depress you and kill all the good inside of you, burn them. If your friends are causing you to sin, think those relationships over and do what you have to do.

These thoughts, these images, these ghosts, those stinging words that go in one ear and unfortunately don't even dare go out the other, these are nothing to fabricate a self-loathe over. They're simply just...temptations. They are what I like to call "attacks"...they attack you in battle until you're beat and bloodied. They take a stab at your weakest points when you least expect it, causing your mind to twirl until a breakdown occurs. So many times I've convinced myself that these attacks have proven my failures, my weaknesses, and my lack of strength; it's as if every prayer I've prayed and every strenuous day within my two years of transformation have vanished into thin air...like I've gone backwards.

BUT, to be blunt: that's completely idiotic. Temptation isn't sin! Depending on how you choose to react to that temptation is sin! When you're tempted to relive old memories, forcing you down a path of hate, sadness, and anger...I dare you to run.

Before I close this entry off, I'd like to say two amazing facts that I've come to learn the hard way:
One, God will carry all your burdens for you if you just go to Him,
and two, God always forgives.

No comments:

Post a Comment