Shaded by a tree, Can't live up to a rose.

I don't feel like being a wet blanket, so I'll keep this brief...

Some girls just have it all, you know?

They hold the world in their hands. They have everything they've ever wanted.

They are so, so lucky.

And most of the time, they don't even know it.

I hate being bitter, and I hate being jealous.

This is one roller-coaster I don't enjoy, having my hopes so high, then crashing to the ground. Nah. It's not that fun.

It's just hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. And in conclusion, I can't help but ask, "is there something wrong with me?"

Sighhh.

It's almost 1 in the morning.

I don't have a clear thesis statement written for my 8 AM in-class essay tomorrow.

I have absolutely no desire to write about stereotypes in literature.

I'm tired.

I'm mentally drained.

And I'm mad at myself.

Why am I majoring in something that is so totally and completely frustrating?

Because I love a freaking challenge, that's why.

library love.

I know that I really need to stop writing so much about the library, so this is the last time, I swear!

But when I'm warming my palms with a large cup of green tea in a florescent-lit house of books, I'm nowhere short of my happy place. :)

Is there really a sun behind these clouds?

This weeks forecast: Rain, rain, and more rain.

I am running low on Vitamin D, and judging by my apathy and lack of motivation, I think it's getting to me.

I need the sunshine.

I think next semester I'm going to take on a heavier course-load. I feel like I have way too much time to think right now. I hate thinking. Nah, hate is a strong word...I am not too fond of thinking. There, I said it.

Today in Sociology, I'll be getting my Issue Reaction Paper handed back to me. The mark written at the top of the page will either make or break my day. But I don't want it to. I don't want to care that much... Is it really that easy for me to lie to myself?

I need to stop thinking.

On the bright-side of this overly depressing blog entry, something good happened today! I finally figured out what my favorite color is! I've honestly lived five years of my life convinced that I could never ever choose one. But alas, I have found him, and he is beautiful. He also shouldn't even be referred to as a he, because he's not the most masculine of colors. I don't have a name for him, because he is simply indescribable. <3

The House That Built Me. <3

I know they say, you cant go home again.

I just had to come back one last time.

Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.

But these handprints on the front steps are mine.

And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom

is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.

And I bet you didn't know under that live oak,

my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

this brokenness inside me might start healing.

Out here its like I'm someone else,

I thought that maybe I could find myself .

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.

Won't take nothing but a memory

from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.

I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

this brokenness inside me might start healing.

Out here its like I'm someone else,

I thought that maybe I could find myself.

If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.

Won't take nothing but a memory

from the house that built me.

-Miranda Lambert.

This is my first Thanksgiving away from home, so I felt this song was relevant.

Breakin' All The Rules.

Here I sit in the library. It's a quiet, yet strangely busy place.

And in my study cubicle, taped the the wall is small rectangular paper listed with rules.

As I read them off in my head, I'm blushing with amusement.

No food to be consumed - Dear Nature Valley granola bars, must you make such a mess?

Drinks must be in covered containers - Oh. Ice water...sue me!

Please keep feet off the furniture - Um...where else am I going to comfortably put my feet?

Silent study ONLY - Lets see here...my cell phone's vibrating, my MSN alerts are going crazy, and Miranda Lambert's guitar is more than happy to fill this silent void.

I am such a rebel.

Live and Learn.

I admit, I'm having a hard time concentrating. I should be reading a short story from my English course-pack, but I can't. Too much on the mind, one might say.

I should be like a sponge, soaking in every word; understanding every word. But I can't. I feel like every detail is flying straight over my head. So instead of making an effort to grasp what I'm reading, I'm just simply memorizing the curves on the pages.

Sounds just like my high school chemistry class. I didn't understand a thing, yet I got above 90's on almost all of my tests, just from purely memorizing all of the concepts. It makes me wonder, what's the point? What's the point in reading all of these textbooks, attending all of these classes, and paying all of this tuition if you're not really learning?

For instance, sometimes I do my homework just to have the satisfaction of being able to say, "I got it done". But when I go to class the next day and I'm asked to reflect on what I read, I have nothing to show for it, even though I did read the text.

...What's going on?

I always feel like I have something to prove, which leaves me to forget why I'm here...Why am I here? To compete in a popularity contest? To walk away with a 4.0 GPA? To be noticed? To "find" myself? To be as "great" of a Christian as the person next to me?

To be honest, I just want to let all of that go. I don't want to have to prove anything! I just want to live and learn, and go to bed every night knowing that I did the best I could.

I'm just a country girl.

Whyyyy, yes.

I AM that girl blasting country music from her dorm room speakers. Miranda Lambert, Keith Urban, and Dierks Bentley to be exact. :)

Must...write...paper...

I am sitting in a beautiful hill-top house, with Mount Baker in clear view.

I am also suffering from a severe case of writer's block, which isn't good since I have a paper due on Monday.

Why can't I write a paper on how fun & interesting blogging is?

Why can't I write a paper on how excited I am to bake cookies, watch "Alot Like Love", and later, go hot-tubbing?

Sigh.

Well...let the good times roll!

My True Color.

For one of the classes I'm taking, University 101, I was required to take the True Colors personality quiz. The four colors are:

Gold: Responsible

Green: Curious

Blue: Harmonious

Orange: Adventurous

And as for my result?

Blue: "They're searching for the meaning of life. Their motivation is to feel authentic. They yearn for self-actualization, yet it is always just beyond their grasp. They are the peacemakers and as children find conflict very stressful. They focus on people and their relationships to one another. They love to build self-esteem and make others feel good about who they are. They can easily motivate and inspire people to make changes in their lives and reach their potential. They often work in careers that involve helping people, such as psychology, ministry, counseling, journalism, or teaching."

That is so me: I'm terrified of conflict, I'm desperate for authentication, and I want nothing more than to help people everyday of my life.

And speaking of helping, when I tell people that I'm majoring in English, they always reply with, "Oh, you're gonna be a teacher! I could totally see you doing that!"

...wait, What? ME? A Teacher?! I was thinking more along the lines of writing, journalism, and editing...but...

To be completely and CRAZILY honest, It actually makes me think twice. Maybe I could be a teacher...ONE day...even though I want to wring public-speaking's neck, maybe I could help and inspire others from the front of the classroom...

I always hear stories from teachers, leaders, and even resident assistant's of how they used to be so shy, and insecure, and 3 years ago they would've never pictured themselves leading and guiding others this way. And now, they're role models, they're loved, and they inspire SO many people. It amazes me. Truly. We obviously have so much potential inside of us, and hidden gifts we never knew we had. So it leaves me thinking...what if I could be like that? What if I became someone I thought I could never become?

But for now, I will get back to studying in the library...and work on completing this "Bachelor of Arts in English" major of mine...

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd. :)