"Who Am I Living For?"

For once, Katy Perry has written meaningful lyrics:

I can feel a pheonix inside of me,
As I march alone to a different beat,
Slowly slowing down my fear,
I am ready for the road less traveled,
Suiting up for my coming battle,
This test is my own cross to bare,
But I will get there

It's never easy to be chosen,
Never easy to be called,
Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall,
I can see the Heavens, 
But I still hear the flames calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall,
I can't ignore this war,
At the end of it all, 
Who am I living for?

I can feel this light that's inside of me,
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning,
I know one spark will shock the world,
So I pray for favor like Ester,
I need Your strength to handle the pressure,
I know there will be sacrifice,
But that's the price

It's never easy to be chosen,
Never easy to be called,
Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall,
I can see the Heavens,
But I still hear the flames calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall,
I can't ignore this war,
At the end of it all,
Who am I living for?

Heavy is the head that wears the crown,
don't let the greatness get you down

At the end, at the end,
Who am I living for?

Milestones.

Well, college is over and it feels SO good to be back home! It's not nearly as windy here...my skin isn't peeling off from the dryness...AND my hair is curling again! YAY!

So many news things are happening, and everyday I am reminded of how blessed I am. God is just making a way for me and it is all so incredibly affirming.

First of all, I drove past my new 3 bedroom condo for the very first time. Just finally seeing where I'm going to be living in a few days was an amazing feeling! I cannot wait!! Talk about a milestone!

I then had a super sweet meeting with my two future roomies/friends. As I wrote in a previous blog entry, God made it SO evident that He wanted me to be living with these girls. We are going to have such a wonderful time together!! I get so excited just thinkin' about it!

Another thing, I coloured my hair! This colour is something I have ALWAYS wanted to do, but I've been so chicken, until now! Sooo, I am now officially a REDHEAD!! I have had blonde hair my whole life and I decided now was the time to make a change! And I never would have done it if I didn't have a best friend for a hairdresser! She is amazing! Here's the "new" me:

Oh, one more thing...I bought a car!! It's such a surreal feeling...finally having a vehicle of my very own! But it was very much needed, now that I'm living on my own, I need to get to work somehow, right??

[2012 Honda Civic a.k.a my baby]

[the very first bug splatter on my shiny, new, white car!]

Speaking of work. I'm still working on the whole finding work thing. Essentially I have done everything I can...I rewrote my entire resume and handed them out fearlessly.

I cannot help but think that God practically paved the path for me to move out of my parents house and into a condominium; thus, since He wants me living there, He will make sure that I am able to pay the rent someway, somehow. I have no doubt that God will make everything work out in the end.

Now I just have to wait for my American man to get his work visa so we can be together here in Canada again!! Multi-cultural relationships are so complicated sometimes...but oh so worth it! :)

[playin' some Halo 2 on our last day together!]

In the meantime I've been eating lots and lots of my homemade cinnamon roll cake! (uh oh)

I just bought a car...

somebody. anybody. pinch me now!

My Random -Yet Significant- Thought of the Day

There is nothing better than being best friends with your boyfriend.

If you can't act like a total maniac with your Hunny then you are missin' out! :D

Having FUN and laughing together is so important in any relationship, especially romantic relationships. Can I get an Amen?! Ha!

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow.

Yesterday: after a night on the town with my girls, consisting of a fine dinner and Titanic in the theatre, I slept for two & a half hours that night and woke up early for my babysitting gig. Who knew that I was capable of taking care of two little toddlers on my own?! Actually, I did. I just never actually physically exercised the idea! :) Then my boyfriend and I had a lovely cafeteria dinner with my auntie and uncle (I love my family!!). Oh and then went to watch the LA-Canucks game at the lounge.

[She is clearly loving life here...haha]

Today: is my last exam. History of Christianity II. It is also snowing outside. Bad bad BAD! But since I'm an optimist, this snow is keeping me in the library STUDYING instead of being outside PLAYING. I'm not even as thrilled that it's my last exam as I was last semester. Probably because I'm not mentally/physically/emotional exhausted from six classes, and I'm actually enjoying myself here a lot more than I was first semester.

Tomorrow: I am packing up my room. Now THIS is exciting. It's been a tough eight months...and I'm ready to move into a place I can actually call my home, and live happily ever after. Hee hee!

You know when you want to do something but you're not sure if it's God's will for your life or not? Well, I definitely had one of those moments where I just KNEW it was God's will. Example, about a month ago I realized after college I would have to move back in with my parents. The thought of this didn't sit well with me. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but living in dorms for 3 years and then moving back in with the folks is a tough transition. I felt ultimately ready to tackle the independence of moving out once and for all. So I began the hunt for a house/apartment to rent out. I spent hours searching websites and emailing friends hoping to find someone who knew of someone who needed a roommate.

I emailed one of my female cousins asking her if she knew of any roommate situations. She replied excitedly that she too was actually looking for a place! And another friend of ours was looking too. So the three of us set out on a search and voila! May 1st I am moving into a brand-new never-before-lived-in-condo with two wonderful Christian girls, all tied together with a super low rent rate.

It may not sound like anything extraordinary to you, but to me it was amazing. I didn't know anything about what cost of rent is high or low, cost of utilities, what to look for in a place, ect. But God sent me two girls who knew exactly what they were doing and I learnt lots along the way. Through all of this, I KNOW that God wants me to move into this new town and new place for reason. He wants it for me; and that is such a comforting thought.

Yep, God is good, and He always keeps His promises to us yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He doesn't promise it'll be easy, but He promises that He will never leave us and that He will always be our strength and comforter.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine" Isaiah 43:1

❤ ❤ ❤

Your Great Name.

Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name

All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name

Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man

You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name

Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name

The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name

Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man

You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty

My savior, Defender, You are My King

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man

You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

-Natalie Grant

Job.

Dear God,
please help me to find a job.
(and if it's not too much to ask, please bring me to one that offers its challenges but one that I'll enjoy too...)
Amen.

“The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done…The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” -Frederick Buechner

On a side note, today I received a package from Germany!! Some people are just too wonderful.

Yesterday after writing two exams (which went very well, thank you very much!), I grabbed my iPod and just lay in a field for an hour and a half. The abundance of sunshine was truly wonderful.

It's amazing how such simple things can bring so much joy to a girl's heart.

❤ ❤ ❤

Kitty.

I want one!! :)

Time is a thief I would rob...

Hair!

Hair appointment = booked!

I am going for a big hair change! This is something I've wanted to do for YEARS but haven't had the courage.

I figure now that college is over and I'm stepping into a new chapter of life, I may as well embrace all the changes I can. :)

12 more days until this hair gets did...12 more days of anticipation...12 more days to see if I'll still have the courage by then...12 days left to chicken out?...

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed.
If you look within, you'll be depressed.
If you look at God you'll be at rest."
-Corrie Ten Boom

"There is something about words.
In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner.
Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk,
and when you are so enthralled you cannot move,
they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts.
Inside you they work their magic."

-Diane Setterfield

Bath-Phobia

So, I am officially scared to takes baths...ever again.

Last night was horrible. There's been this sickness going around college...but who am I kidding, there is always SOMETHING going around this school, ALL the time. And for once, I caught it!

My One Tree Hill watching experience was not as enjoyable as usual because partway through I got SO cold and couldn't stop shivering. I'd get the kind of goosebumps that hurt as they form across the skin. No fun at all.

Because I was internally cold, I had to somehow heat my body up, so I took a hot bath. A really, really hot bath. I figured it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside -like a nice kiss, or a good piece of milk chocolate- and then I could crawl into bed right after and be completely knocked out.

This was definitely NOT the case. A half hour soak inside my hot bubble bath -while watching 27 Dresses, may I add- caused my body to react in the least ideal of ways. I became overheated and as I stood up to dry myself off my head began pounding and a dizzying effect took place.

I glanced at myself in the mirror as I walked by and my face was pure white. GAH. I couldn't help but think, I am going to throw up. I am going to faint.


I ran into my room and and just lay on the floor, breathing...head and heart absolutely pounding.

After a few minutes of being sprawled on the floor I realized I wasn't the most decently dressed person...so I mustered up the strength, put on my comfiest PJ's, and collapsed into bed.

As I lay there my body began just RADIATING heat. What is happening to me?! And because I have a roommate, I wear earplugs, and all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears.

And because my furnace-bath dehydrated me, I felt my face and my hands and I thought that I was drying up into a dusty corpse, but I didn't have the strength to grab myself a cold glass of water. I just lay there, helpless...hot...and heart-poundy.

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure I woke up 5 billion times at night, and when I did decide to finally wake up in the morning, I felt a little feverish. But I already had a day-on-the-town planned with my best friend and NOTHING was going to stop me from going!!

So here I am, at Java Express, studying for my Psychology of Adolescence exam with a meditteranean pizza-pita and a hot cup of green tea, sitting across from one of the most wonderful women in the world, completely forgetting that I had such a horrible night last night!

Life is wonderful! :)

❤ ❤ ❤

“Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.”
-Taylor Swift

You’re going to discover that conversations are best at 4am. The heavier the eyelids, the sincerer the words. Those are the talks you’ll remember. It’s ok not to know the answer and silence is not awkward. It’s shared, so share it more often than not. -Jeff Stuckel

So true. I need more nights like these. I will never be too old to have these special late night talks. I refuse to grow out of it! :)

Lot.

To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life--this is indeed a gift from God.
(Ecclesiastes 5:21 NLT)

I wish was better at "accepting my lot in life". I see the things, families, experiences, and nods of approval that other people have and I get this gross jealous feeling inside of me. Then I invite myself to my self-pity party--hosted by me!

I want to be happy with what I have. Genuinely happy. Because everyday that I live and every breath that I breathe is God's precious gift to me! Never ever forget that!!

People.

For so long I thought that I needed solitude in order to recharge, but lately I've been noticing the abundance of joy and energy I feel after being with people.

Especially now that research-paper writing has taken over my life, being alone for too long causes me to get cranky.

This is why frequent trips to the the cafe downstairs are necessary for my survival. a) I get to mix and mingle with the crowd of people, and b) I get to load up on cappuccinos and hi-rev mochas. (although I hate to imagine how much money I've spent on such drinks within the past month...)

I do love love love interacting with -enjoyable- people...but who am I kidding? I love my alone time too, especially when I realize that I'm not actually alone, but that God is always here with me.

It is said that the most excruciating form of human torture is solitary confinement. Can you imagine being locked away in a room for years without any human interaction? I mean, I love the person God created me to be, but I would hate to have a 20-year long conversation with my weird thoughts. Gah!

Anyway, I have this tendency of when I'm stressed and am SUPPOSED to be writing a paper I write on my blog instead, and end up going on an on about types of human torture. Focus Jennifer, focus!

Joy!

Reason why today has been genuinely awesome so far:

• I sprung out of bed and just felt extreme joy. I haven't felt so full of joy in the morning in a long time!
• The sun is SHINING and it's plus 20 outside.
• My man made a card for me, complete with a chocolate bar, just 'cause!! :)
• I went for an hour-long walk with one of my favourite girls!
• I drank an iced cap with whipped cream. Mmm...
• I finished a paper! I just have ONE more assignment left until exams!! Hooray!
• I am blasting Britt Nicole in my headphones. I love her! Her music reminds me that God is my strength and that He is bigger than any of my insecurities.

I feel like I've found joy again. I feel like I'm finally ME again. I love being happy, smiling, and laughing because I have a reason to smile, laugh, and be happy!

Okay, this is definitely next on the To-Bake List.

My Hunny & I

"And now I'm looking up to you
From a field of white flowers.
You were so proud of me,
I'm so proud of you.
All of the world and
All of it's power
Couldn't keep your love from me no,
Couldn't keep your love from me"

❤  ❤  ❤

Imprisonment.

 "When we search for 'ourselves' in the eyes of others,
we have imprisoned our own-selves in believing that our self-worth is nothing unless others validate who we are.
Unless we approve of whom we are, what we are,
and what we are capable of doing as an individual,
only then we will have released “ourselves” from our own imprisonment.
We are in charge of our own life’s destiny and what we do
and become can only be validated by our accomplishments and failures;
not by what others may think of us."

-Dahveed

Dependence.

This is my fifth blog post...Today. I guess I just have a lot on my heart.

You know that saying... "God needs to take away the good things in life to make room for the great things"? Well, I'm sort of feeling that way.

This school year, God has taken something from me, something that I thought was great...something I thought I couldn't live without. My initial reaction went from sadness, to self-pity, to anger...to questions.

God, what reason did you have to take this away from me? What is the point of all this?

Sometimes God has to take things away from us so that our eyes will be opened to what we've been finding our identity, security, and confidence in.

It's been a tough time of realization, a lot of tears, and loneliness...but I'm glad for it; I'm glad I finally realized it.

I want my dependence to be in God...not in the people who may or may not be surrounding me. Yes, it's hard, and yes I miss them and all the great & joyous feelings that come with them, but I know that God misses me more than I could ever miss anyone or anything.

Feel The Light.

Today, today you wanna run away now,

You break, try to keep it together, love

Love is all you need,

You're a queen but you're never no match,

Life has come and left you blinded,

Stole you smile and left you crying,

It's not your fault, shame is all you've got now,

Your heart's tangled up in silence,

It's time to let go,

Feel the light,

I know it's easier to hide,

But you gotta let go,

Feel the light,

Let go and feel the light,

Be Brave, brave the waters all around you,

I'll stay I'll keep you from sinking down,

Love is on your side,

It's stronger than you'll ever know,

So many years of quiet,

Building up like a fire inside,

You're feeling like you gotta let it out now,

Just let it out,

Your heart is tangled up in silence,

It's time to let go,

And feel the light,

I know it's easier to hide,

But you gotta let go,

And feel the light,

Let go and feel the light,

How did you get here,

You're locked inside of all this fear,

Inside you're crying out,

Your mind's a war,

Get out and live for more,

There's so much more,

Live for more,

Your heart's tangled up in silence,

It's time to let go,

Feel the light,

I know it's easier to hide,

But you gotta let go,

Feel the light,

Let go and feel the light.

-Britt Nicole-

“The first love affair we must consummate successfully in this world is with ourselves; only then are we ready for a relationship. Only then will we be FULLY able to love, and only then will we be able fully to LET LOVE IN—to accept that another person loves us.”

 -Branden and Branden

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear. 
-Richard Bach

“There is nothing so rewarding as to make people realise that they are worthwhile in this world.”
-Bob Anderson

Hold My Heart.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?


-Tenth Avenue North-