Happiness.

Dear Friends,
I just wanted to let ya’ll know that I’m an incredibly happy girl right now. No, nothing terribly exciting or extravagant has happened to me recently or anything…for instance, I’m not engaged, I’m not pregnant, I didn’t turn into Taylor Swift, I didn’t land my published book under the New York Times Bestseller List ect. In fact, this happiness is just the beautiful conclusion of all the little things coming together so perfectly. How do I even begin to describe it?
Last week things were kinda… (excuse my French) …crappy. It was a slow, and long seven days. I didn’t get enough sleep---believe me I tried, but this living-in-a-room-with-nine-other-girls-package-deal is tough business in the sleeping department. And not to mention, I still had to catch up on all the lost sleep from my travel weekend in Paris. Last week I encountered a few moments of homesickness, memories from the summer caught up to me and gave me a hard time (I’m sure the sad-song playlist on my Ipod enjoyed the company), and my insecurities got the best of me.
But this week…wow. My happiness is just indescribable; therefore, I will try my best to describe it. It’s just the relationships here. I kid you not, all 108 of us are family. And when one person is missing, it’s like one of our sisters or brothers has run away from home. And you can always tell when someone is absent, because everyone has such radiant and distinctive personalities. Even over the three days I was gone on travel weekend, I found myself missing everybody so much. SO much! Being away from here really made me realize how much this really does feel like home, and it is where I feel comfortable, and safe. And when we all reunited that Sunday evening, it was absolutely insane. There were so many hugs and stories and laughter, and it was just wonderful to be back. Except…that night I cried myself to sleep, which kicked off the beginning to my not-so-great-week.
Anyway, back to the main focus of this blog: happiness. I’m just making some great relationships here. Things are in depth, which was exactly what I’ve been praying for over these past few weeks (as I once blogged about before, and my sister was right when she said it’ll just take some time). And just to mention one random thing…I have guy friends. I actually have guy friends here! Back home, it’s unheard of; because where I live, it’s impossible to be just friends with a guy. Either he falls for me, or I fall for him, and it becomes one big awkward mess. Maybe it’s just a Canadian thing, I don’t know. But here, you don’t do anything stupid with each other, because you know that you’re gonna be living with that person for the next now…4 months. I love it.
Oh and tonight something great happened. But first I’ll give you some background information on this subject. The very first few days/weeks here at bible school, I hung out with these two amazing girls named Sarah and Jessica constantly. Together we are Sarah, Jessica, and Jennifer. (Can the names get anymore North-American than that? Haha) Then we decided, “hey, lets start an accountability group!” An accountability group is something like this: meet together once a week an hour before bedtime in an enclosed area, bring gifts of chocolate and candy, and just talk about the deep things that are heavy on our hearts, ending with prayer. We actually haven’t met all too often, because things have gotten incredibly busy and chaotic here, but when we do meet…sparks fly. I don’t know what it is, but I can just be my total self around them. And I’d say that tonight was our best meeting yet. Why was it your best meeting yet Jennifer, you ask? Because as we entered the ironing room (this was our last resort meeting place, after the library and the prayer room were in use) I told myself, “OK Jenni, you’re not feelin’ all too open right now. So you’re just gonna listen and be there for them, and not have to share anything on your part. Deal? Deal!” HA! We get in there, and I end up telling them my biggest insecurity (a subject that I brought up totally on my own)…an insecurity that I have unfortunately, let affect pretty much every aspect of my life. And sharing this is a HUGE deal, since I can literally count on less than one hand whom I’ve told this thing to throughout my 19 years of life here on earth. And the crazy weird thing is that I wasn’t afraid at all. It just slipped out like it was normal conversation. Lets pause and take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Two summers ago, I was talking on the phone in the middle of the night with this guy I liked. He was absolutely convinced I was perfect. And I knew there was only one way to convince him right then and there that I was far from perfect---and that was to tell him my biggest insecurity. But I was scared to death because first of all, I had never told anyone before him, and second of all, I was scared of being rejected from that moment on. And the thing is, is that today, admitting this insecurity to my friends Sarah and Jessica, was SO easy. (I’m not sayin’ that the guy rejected me or anything, in fact he tried engraving it into my mind that it was no big deal at all) I mean, today my palms weren’t sweating, my heart wasn’t racing, and most importantly, I wasn’t afraid that they would view me any differently or reject me as a friend after that. I had this strange confidence and faith (God) that they would still love me for who I am, and that this “big” insecurity of mine, really is like he told me, no big deal at all. And having talks like these and knowing that I’ll never be rejected for my insecurities definitely carries out into other relationships I have with people, causing me to radiate with confidence. I loved tonight. I loved being comfortable. I loved sharing and listening. I loved being myself. I loved not being afraid. I loved being loved for exactly who I am. I loved knowing that I’m on the road to two healthy and very fulfilling life-long friendships.
This entry definitely doesn’t do tonight’s’ experience any justice, but I tried my best and I hope it shows how God has been working in my life over these past few years. It feels so great to look back and to realize how much I’ve actually grown, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog entry. ;) Good night and God bless.