August 31, 2010

Is This Supposed To Be Funny?

I have been staring at this blank screen for too many minutes now. I don't know what to say. I'm very confused about life, about people, about situations, and about reasons why. I don't know what to do; I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I especially don't want to begin a new page of regrets. I just want things to be OK... nothing more and nothing less.

I said to my friend last night out in the pouring rain, "Lately, this is just God's sense of humour. It's as if he's playing a joke on me or something."
My friend replied with, "It's a test. God's testing you!"
"I will persevere!" I said with my fist held high (and I really did hold my fist high).

So yes, these past few days, no, MONTHS, I haven't been getting God's sense of humour. We're not on the same page in the book of Jokes. In fact, I think we're using completely different books. When he laughs a good-hearted laugh, I cry. When he smiles, I frown. It's as if him and I are on a blind date gone terribly wrong, and the awkward silence isn't getting any quieter.

Gods' trials are hard, but you didn't need me to tell you that. It's kinda funny how we pray to God for strength, patience, courage, stamina, and love ect. Well, there's no doubt that he's then going to give us a situation that will allow for us to use our God-given strength, patience, courage, stamina, and love. It only makes sense. But usually when these situations arise, we cry to God asking: "WHY GOD?! WHY ME?" least, I know I do. That's my everyday routine.

It's so easy to make a huge deal out of nothing. My eldest and wisest sister always like to remind me to take things with a grain of salt. Right now I'm sitting here thinkin' "Man, there's gotta be more to life than this." I like to remind myself that things could be worse; that reminder works and calms me down...for a few short minutes. And then I blow things right out of proportion once again! Honestly, I just know I'm going to be old and gray sitting in my rickety rocking chair and not remember a thing from these testing young adult years (Partly because I'll be suffering from Alzheimer's disease). And as wrong as it sounds, I'm sort of excited for that day. Sort of... sort of not... Well, you know what I mean.

Would anybody like to bless me with a suited Bible verse or any words of encouragement for times like these? That would be lovely. Anyway, I'm starting to see the silver-lining in the sky. I can finally eat again without feeling like throwing up. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My heart is slowing and my nerves are easing. Today will be a good day.


  1. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hears and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

  2. sometimes it helps me to know that there are others who are going through similar things, who are struggling with similar things, who have similar insecurities and confusions. even just reading your blog about your struggles is encouraging me. so know this jenni: you are not alone. you will persevere and you will learn from it, becoming a more beautiful woman than you already are.

  3. I am proud to be your "eldest" :)