May 18, 2010


So, there's this thing I've wanted since I was in grade one (yeah, I still remember my first crush's name). And now being nineteen years old with a high school diploma and one year of university over and done with, I still don't have it. Many times growing up, I thought I was close. I thought it was just around the corner, waiting for me. I remember thinking over and over again when I was fourteen that "by this time next year, I won't be alone". I remember thinking that again when I turned 15, 16, 17, 18, and now...19.

Now all I'm thinking is, how many more years is it gonna take? Will it find me before I reach old age? Will it ever find me? Am I going to be alone the rest of my life? Should I just stop dreaming and believing in fairytales, and start telling myself that having butterflies is just another case of upset stomach?

Sometimes I consider deleting every love song from my iTunes, tossing every slightly romantic movie I own, and burning every gushy novel on my shelf. What good do these love-drenched messages do for a girl like me? They're all just one big reminder that I'm lonelier than the next guy, or girl. They just remind me of all the things I don't have; all the things I've never experienced, and all of the things I, dare I say, may never experience...

It's the worst when everyone around you seems to have found that someone; everyone but you. I just can't seem to see how any of this is fair. To be honest, I think that I have wanted this more than anything else in my life, and for even longer than anyone else I know. And I think that that's something people don't know about me. If I could write a book about anything in the whole entire world, it would be an amazing, phenomenal, and heart-wrenching love story. My favorite thing to talk about with other people is love. I get so excited asking questions like "how did you guys meet?" "how did he ask you out?" "how did your first date go? Tell me everything, don't leave anything out!" "what was your first kiss like?" "what did you two do for valentines day?" "How did he ask you to marry him??" And hearing all of the answers to these questions just makes my heart flutter, it's all so beautiful I could cry. Maybe I like to live vicariously through other people's romantic lives, as strange as that sounds. But what choice do I have, when I don't have a romantic life of my own?

I mean, I'm pretty sure I have "Ms. Independent" stamped across my forehead. I think that it's safe to say that I have the life of a single woman down; People think that I'm good at it, therefore, I have myself convinced that I am in fact, good at it. You know, never having to worry about anyone but yourself; never being responsible for anyone but yourself. Never having to feel guilty for making extremely wonderful eye contact with guy after guy after guy.

This blog entry is terribly open and messy and extremely unorganized, and for that I apologize. I really do wish I had the energy to write the most moving essay on this, but I just needed to let it all spill from my heart; spill into a mess. My heart is a mess. You would think that I'd be used to it by now...

What makes me feel better though is knowing that I'm only 19 years old. I'm still young and if you really think about it, I have all the time in the world. But I don't know, all of these damn love songs, books, movies, and facebook engagement photos don't help my patience, at all.

I'm not asking for pity or to create a sudden awareness of fact, I don't even know what I'm asking for. I just need an outlet.

So, I think I'm gonna go watch a sappy romantic movie right now...not only because it's all I've got, but because I still believe that having butterflies is so much more than just an upset stomach.


  1. hey who needs boys when we have each other right? :)

  2. did you know that 93% of people get married? your chances of finding love are pretty high. and butterflies will never be the result of an upset stomach.

  3. Haha, we're in the same boat, Jennifer!!


  4. The thing that's better than finding love is finding the RIGHT love. I met my love when I was 17 and married him when I was 19 (14 years ago next month - gosh that sounds like forever...), but I can honestly say he is THE BEST MAN for who I am - PERIOD. He's the other (better) part of me. He balances out the deficits in my personality and gifts -that he treats me like a QUEEN is a bonus! He makes me a better person. So....WAIT - and don't rush it - your perfect other half is WORTH waiting for! And he's out there...somewhere...


    PS - Use your waiting time to become the woman of HIS dreams!

  5. wow jenni this is EXACTLY how i thought/felt when i was your age... and the whole independant woman thing, insanely similar. people thought i was so independant that i didnt even want a boyfriend. when i got together with my first/current/only boyfriend it was a couple months before i was 22. all i can say to you is this, enjoy the freedom and independance you have now, and take advantage of the adventures you can have. i am sure glad i experienced things before i became "a couple". dont rush things and you wont regret it. i only ever wanted one man in my life, one boyfriend, one husband, and im lucky enough that, that is what will happen for me. i know you didnt ask for advice but i felt compelled to reply just because its like i wouldve written this post. have fun in israel, focus on having a great time with your friend... its a lot easier than focusing on finding love. lol BELIEVE ME.

  6. p.s. its tiff heidebrecht, if you were confused.

  7. Hey Jenni! Don't stop dreaming! He'll show up eventually - but in the mean time, don't spend all of your time and energy looking for him! Like Josie said, use this time to become the woman of his dreams so that when he does show up, he will fall head over heels in love with you and sweep you off your feet!!!!