November 2, 2010

Oceans Away.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It wasn’t too sunny, and it wasn’t too cloudy. There was a slight cooling breeze and the autumn air was filling my every inhale. “This plus 15 degrees Celsius makes for perfect running weather.” I thought to myself. I put on my Adidas, grabbed my iPod and ran for 1 hour and 10 minutes. Yes, no need to check your vision, and no need to dust off the screen. I ran for 1 hour and 10 minutes. Can we all just let that soak in? The longest I’ve ever ran is 1 hour and 5 minutes, so 5 minutes longer than that is a big deal!

Have you ever heard something said about you, or to you, so many times that you eventually just start to believe it? This can be a good thing; or it can be a negative thing.
If somebody compliments me, I beam for hours and my day is instantly brightened. If somebody insults me, it dwells in my mind for months, even years. Why is that? It’s so stupid. It can even get to the point where I can’t even hold a conversation because I’m so convinced that I know exactly what they’re thinking about me. Negative, confidence-killing thoughts pulse through me. Everything is psychological; and everything is an assumption. It makes me hate the person who said those words, and it even makes me hate myself. I hate it. I hate hating things. And I hate that I know that I hate hating things. Hate is a strong word, and I’ve never been one for strength.

Last night wasn’t so nice. Since I’m working on vulnerability with my blog I’m going to share with you as to why it wasn’t so swell As most of you know, last year I attended university and lived in a dorm with some of the most wonderful girls in the world. It was my first dorm experience, my first moving away experience, and my first university experience. And like a first love, I’ll never forget it. And last night, everything about my 8 short months at university came flooding back to me. I lay in bed with wet eyes and a wanting heart. I wanted it back. I wanted those best friends back. They knew everything about me, everything, my past, my present, and my future. They understood my insecurities, they encouraged my dreams, and they were just so real. I never had to pretend I was something I wasn’t with them and I never felt anything from them but God’s love. What I miss most are all the times we’d just lie in my bed and talk for hours. They’re oceans and miles away and last night, they felt too far away. Last night it felt like world split in two and we were on separate halves. To be honest, I was wondering when it was going to hit me, and after an insane game of Pictionary, it was the last thing I was expecting.
Here, things are much different. I haven’t experienced culture shock. In fact, I think I’m living through relationship/people shock. I feel like nothing’s clicking just quite yet, and I feel like I’m physically here, but my past and my stories are unseen to others. I feel like I’m just a walking mystery. And sometimes, I don't want to let people in; sometimes being a complete mystery is totally OK with me. Sometimes these walls are as comfortable as a blanket around me. I don’t know what to do. On the bright side, things are developing slowly, but almost too slowly. I know I should be patient, but it’s hard. I’m tired—maybe I should quit going for 1 hour jogs. And this gloomy, gray weather is just…sigh. What is this I’m feeling?

I never ever want to take people for granted ever again. Is that too much to ask?


  1. I wish I could send you your University friends in the mail to make you feel better! :(

    Love you <3

  2. I know how you feel. Germany had rough moments. It was so hard sometimes being so far away from people that you love. And it feels like they're doing so much and experiencing so much without you. And it feels like you're really missing out on everything.

    but honestly, you're not! You're the one thats changing and doing so much and experiencing so much with out everyone else! I thought things would be so different when I came home at Christmas... but everyone was exactly the same. and it was so great. I always loved having that consistency.

    P.S. you've only been away for a month and a half. of course its moving slowly!!

    take comfort in the fact that we're all the same. :D have your down days, but also remember that you're adventure in Germany is only 6 months. live it up!!!!

    I love you so much and I can't wait to see how you've changed over the last few months. I'm so proud of you for doing this on your own!

    p.s. i want to punch all those people that have said mean things to you right in the jeans. you're the most beautiful Jennifer in the world and I'm so lucky to be your sister.

  3. One of these days you'll have to call home ... just because.

  4. Mom is your phone number still the same??