August 23, 2010

A New Day.

Have you ever dreaded the time of falling asleep?
You lie awake above your blanket, unwilling to wrap yourself in it; refusing to let it coax you into that familiar, comfortable state.
You do anything to keep from falling asleep. You cry. You watch television. You read. You clean. You write. You stare out the window at the stars. You cry some more of those sleek, hot tears.
You keep yourself as busy as possible for as long as possible because you know that falling asleep means that you're inching one step closer to the start of a new day.

A new day of same old, same old.
A new day of not believing in the things you used to believe in.
A new day of thinking of the people who don't deserve to be thought of.
A new day of misunderstandings.
A new day of hurtful words.
A new day of asking yourself how many times you're gonna make the same stupid mistake, over and over again.
A new day of stress.
A new day of slowly-disappearing innocence.
A new day of wondering if God just kind of ...forgot about you.
It pains to admit when the life you live between falling asleep and waking up is the life you'd rather live; when your dreams are better than your reality.

A few days ago I felt like this. I was scared to go to bed, and scared to wake up. All that kept running through my mind were the words: You're not cut out for this world. You're never gonna last. It's only gonna get worse from here. You'll never find what you're looking for, and it'll never find you. Yes, this was me for a few nights. But tonight's different. Tonight, it's gonna be OK.

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