August 20, 2010

The Good, and The Bad.

As you can tell from my previous entry, I'm not feelin' so hot right now. Physically, I'm a wreck. My eyes are tired. My legs are sore from running. My skin hurts from too much sun. I haven't eaten anything remotely healthy in... well, much too long, and my body is starting to show it.
And, emotionally, I'm a wreck. I know this sounds pretty cheesy, but recently I've been realizing who my real friends are, and what makes a person a real friend. It sucks admitting to yourself who's not so real, and it sucks even more hearing yourself admit it out loud.
Sometimes I wonder, if I were to die today, would they even care? Would they have regretted the way they treated me?

So...just leave them. That'll solve all of your problems. Yeah, it would, but it's not that simple. You can't just walk away from certain relationships. Sometimes you're just tied down and can't get free.

I apologize for the tremendously depressing blog entry. But at the same time I'm not that sorry. I mean, this is my blog. My blog; I can write about whatever I so please.

These past few days I've been analyzing many of my relationships, and sorting them into imaginary piles. Piles titled: "The Good" and "The Bad". Fortunately, my "Good" pile is taller than I thought it was.

Then there's "The Bad". These are the relationships that make me feel horrible. They bring bitterness and jealousy into my life. They make me hate. They make me cry. They make me so angry. They're like a rain cloud constantly hovering over me. They make me feel unloved. They make me feel like I'll never be good enough. They make me question who I am. They pour unhealthy motives into my brain and my actions reflect it.

I'm not going to go into a detailed lecture on what classifies these piles, actually...I will. I know that healthy relationships are the ones that encourage you. They brighten your life. They make you smile, and they make you feel loved. They make you feel like you can be your complete self and still be liked for who you are. They give you a shoulder to cry on. They're always there for you. When they ask how you're doing they actually mean it. These relationships are completely honest with you, and never want for you to hurt. These relationships have good intentions. They're not vain in any way. These relationships are two sided and are always equal; the scale never tips too far to one side more than necessary. They know when to talk and when to listen.

And just a second ago, it hit me that a good relationship is everything described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It's not rude or self-seeking. It's not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.

I just want to rid my life of all my bad relationships...somehow. I've just gotten to the point when it's impossible to fake it any longer.

But I think at this moment in time, I need to focus on how thankful I am for being blessed with so many good relationships. These people in my life really have no idea how much I really appreciate them.

What I've also learnt from life experience, it's that on nights like these, you can't let yourself just sit around and mope. You have to do something productive; do something that makes you feel like you lived some today. So on that note, I'm going to clean the kitchen. And maybe attempt my tornado of a bedroom.

Good night everyone, and thank you for listening...err...reading.

1 comment:

  1. ohh Little Jenni, I love you so. i remember a time when you were so concerned about writing something that sounded a little down because you were worried people wouldn't like you as much. now look at you!! you realized that us readers care so much and love you more because when you have down days you can admit it.

    this season of hurt/bad friends is almost to an end. you're nearing the end of this chapter and pretty soon you'll be on a flight to a little place halfway around the world with the chance to start over fresh, and to renew your life. mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

    i just wanted to remind you that this is almost over. don't give up. you'll make it through. if you can do this, you can do anything! life is about lessons. and it is very good to keep learning.