October 31, 2011

Contentment in the Desert.

Before I start, Pumpkin Pie Kashi bars are absolutely AMAZING. If you haven't tried one already, please do so as soon as possible! Mmm mmm! :)

I haven't been blogging very well lately. There's always something else that has more "priority"...a chapter to read, a class to go to, a paper to write, or a tea-time to attend. (I love tea-time!) So right now my life is probably somewhat of a mystery to you. Well, here goes. Here is the cold, hard, truth which I am going to try my best to explain.

My prayer to God every night is for contentment. I am seeking and desiring to be content here at this college. I am seeking for the assurance in that I am supposed to be here.

My current setting is this: I am attending a tiny Bible college located in a small town in central Canada. It is surrounded by nothing but some fields and a single highway. It is twenty minutes from a small city, and an hour from a somewhat larger city. I do not own a car. Therefore, I am stuck.

In the winter, this area has been officially labeled as "the coldest place on earth". The rumour was that last year, it reached down to -60 celsius.
This makes me want to throw up, because I just hate the cold. I was not made for Canadian winters and that is a fact.
Oh and can I just go on about the dryness? My skin is constantly peeling, and my hair doesn't curl anymore. I get bloody noses and headaches. My body is upset at me...

I got to go home (which is about 7-8 hours away) for an entire week for our reading break, and it was the best week of my life. I had my own room, I could sleep soundly again. I had my friends. I had my Mom and my Dad who I love so very much. I had my church. I had the opportunity to drive places. I could be my complete self and feel comfortable. I got to watch the movie Courageous which changed my life forever. I was just sooooo happy to be home (which is a pretty big deal for me, since I have always been the type to desire a life far away from home), and whenever I'd be reminded of coming back to this cool my mood would just damper down.

Maybe I just spoiled myself by going to an amazing Christian university in BC and connecting with so many amazing women who are still in my life today praying for me and guiding me. And then there was Bible school in Germany. Honestly, my experience there was indescribable. And it's frustrating because nobody outside of that school will ever understand the incredible spiritual effect it can have on a person. I feel like no one understands my desire to have deep friendships...where instead of gossiping and having useless conversations, we talk about important things, and we pray together.

But as I was saying, those two schools were in my ideal, top-notch locations. In BC the air was humid and there were thousands of trees and everything was just green and gorgeous!! In Germany outside the view of my balcony there was a swan-filled lake at the foot of the Swiss Alps...I could walk to the bus stop and take off wherever my heart desired to take off to. And in both places, when it would snow, it would be gone within a few hours!

But here, I am stuck. Here it is cold, and barren, and the snow NEVER leaves. But it's more than the location. It's the fact that those other places were full of excitement and adventure! Everyday was unpredictable--you never knew where you'd take the train to next, or the things you'd see, or the people you'd share God's word with. It was so exciting! But here, everyday is mostly the same...I could tell you exactly what I will be doing 3 weeks from now at 1:04 PM and I'd be totally correct.

I am facing so many challenges here that I never thought I'd have to go through. I am going home for a wedding and a baby shower in less than two weeks and I am just crazy excited! And once again it's gonna take more than the strength of my own flesh to bring me back here.

My eyes don't light up from the thought of finishing my degree here (two 1/2 more years...), and that worries me. I don't know what to do, but what I do know is that this place has been a blessing. Being here, I have met some incredible people who I would love to get to know better, I have faced countless challenges that have made some of my relationships stronger (including my relationship with God), and I have learned so much from my classes and my God-fearing professors. So don't get me wrong--there are some fun times and some great talks that I've had. AND I have gotten some fabulous grades on my assignments! (Praise God!!)

I'm praying that I will be patient. Maybe these things take time.
I'm also praying for the days to fly by but I kick myself in knowing that that's what you call a selfish prayer; so I'm praying for strength to stand the slow days.
I'm praying that God will give me direction in a lot of areas...I'm considering changing my major.
I'm praying that I will one day stop comparing this school to my old schools.
I'm praying that I will find contentment in the desert, because God wants me here for a reason, and He has a weird, weird plan for all of this.
One day it will all make sense to me.

But all in all, thank you Jesus for bringing me here,
thank you for sustaining me thus far,
thank you for the wonderful and beautiful friends I have made,
and thank you for the EGR (extra grace required) people,
and thank for you the memories I did have at my old schools and for giving me those amazing years,
thank you for your protection, and thank you for your incredible love.

❤  ❤  


  1. I was in town all weekend too! Too bad we didn't run into each other, hope you had a great time!

  2. Welcome to the real world!
    Many people don't have your opportunities, relish them!
    Just when you think you have it all worked out, up pops another challenge or two or three....
    It's a good thing you enjoy your classes. After all, that is one of the reasons why you are there.
    With all the work you have on your slate, when do find time to feel claustrophobic about a tiny prairie town? How often has someone told you to NOT rely on feelings?
    Are you by any chance,missing m u s i c in your life??? (tongue in cheek) Maybe, you are.
    Besides the friends you have made, don't forget two cute little nieces who would love to see their pretty auntie, giving them a lifetime of good memories. They will grow up all too quickly.
    All too soon, you may be somewhere else, and who is to say that it will be better. How about at McD's maintaining the fries? How about the cancer clinic?
    I know, I love my "own space"; is it possible to get your own bedroom? Maybe next semester or next year?
    Love you Jenni. Keep counting your blessings as I know you are; don't let your spirit be crushed.
    L o v e You.