December 22, 2010

Be myself, Be yourself.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I stumbled upon a realization--I know, right? How many realizations can this girl come up with?
I don't know how well I will be able to explain myself, but I'll give it my best shot.

Until now, I held onto a twisted mindset; one that effected my relationships with the opposite sex. And I truly believe that God has worked in me these past 3 months, picking and prodding at my brain until this great change was brought about.

So here's the diagnosis: when I liked guys, I was someone else. In fact, I was anyone but myself. I strove to appear "perfect" around them. I liked all the things they liked, just so they'd believe that we have so much in common, just so they'd believe that we were perfect for each other. I laughed at all their jokes in the hopes to encourage their belief that they were so very funny. I never once went without makeup; these guys only knew my face with a mask. I never talked about God around them for fear of appearing too religious. I actually gave them the impression that drawing, playing piano, and getting good marks in school came as natural to me as breathing. I refused to do anything remotely "goofy" or childish around them, believing that they would think I was stupid if I did. I made it a point to minimize and hide all of my flaws.

Let me just say one thing; these guys were missing out. And, if none of them liked me for the girl I pretended to be around them, then I guess I can't really feel rejected, right? I have no reason to bitter about those past "relationships" because I wasn't being myself; I wasn't being the girl who actually hates wearing makeup. The girl who would way rather watch High School Musical than sit through that lame action movie with him. The girl who has the dorkiest laugh on the planet. The girl who sings to the very top of her lungs in the car while driving. The girl who is without a doubt, the youngest child in her family and enjoys making it obvious. The girl who actually now speaks her mind, tells the truth, and is slowly learning not to fear rejection and failure. The girl who sometimes would rather be in her solitude than out at a party. The girl who finally knows how to laugh at herself. The girl who isn't afraid to say "I'm praying for you." The girl who is so very far from perfect.

In a sense you could say that I wasted their time; it was unfair of me to be somebody around them who I really wasn't. But I also wasted my own time, and with the grace of God, all is forgiven. These first three months at Bible school have opened my eyes, and I like where things are heading. :)

In case you haven't caught the moral of the story, it's the old cliche "Be Yourself" one. And don't you dare take those words lightly. Can you imagine walking into a relationship believing that the guy will only like you if you're nothing but perfect? I can--and it's awful. It's exhausting walking through life on a path of eggshells. Be yourself. If you hate country music, let him know. If his jokes aren't funny, don't laugh. If he pressures you or disrespects you, don't be the girl that stuck around; run for your life and never return. If he only thinks you're beautiful with makeup on and a tight dress...then he has some serious issues. If he makes fun of your passion for tap-dancing and scarf-knitting, don't even consider giving those passions up just to please him. Be who you want to be, and do the things you want to do!

I like living in a school with 108 students because we're practically family. We've all seen each other on our worst days and on our very best and loveliest days. We've all seen each other without makeup, in our sweats, and our hair a train-wreck. In such tight quarters its impossible to hide your flaws or to pretend that you're perfect, and to have an embarrassing moment (or two) is inevitable. And despite all of this, we love each other even more for who we are! These past 3 months have also made me realize that not all guys out there are shallow. What a nice realization. :)


  1. I personally love your dorky laugh :D

  2. me too. Oh jenni your so cute. Thats the way i was when i met Kevin I was trying to be so perfect and liked everything he liked. lol It catches up with you.

  3. This is Andrea i don't know why it says Kevin