March 12, 2010


This is hard for me to post, but I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've never felt like this before, ever. It's never been this bad.
Let me put it this way, yesterday I suddenly felt this overwhelming emotion flood over me, completely. All the feeling from my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul, was sucked right out of me. I was at the very height of exhaustion.
I didn't care about anything, or anyone. For the first time in my life I walked around completely unaware of my surroundings; I didn't care who was looking at me, or who wasn't. I didn't care how miserable or out of place I looked. I didn't care that my face gave it away that I was slowly dying.
I'm trying to describe this without making it sound as if I'm just desperately crying out for attention or making up some sad, clever story.
To put it bluntly: I felt like I had no reason to live. I didn't see any future for me, I can't see myself doing anything profound in the years to come. In fact, thinking about the future felt like someone was clasping their hands around my neck, and twisting them as tight as they possibly could. I dreaded the future. I dreaded taking another breath.
I remember sitting in class, and feeling so claustrophobic. I actually couldn't breathe, I was restless.
Yesterday felt like forever. And to tell you the truth, I don't think I was even inside myself. I honestly couldn't control anything I would do...and it scared the crap out of me. It's as if some kind of spiritual war was inside of me.
I was terrified. In the blink of an eye, everything I had ever wanted, all my hopes, all my dreams, were gone, and I couldn't even decide for myself if I wanted to keep them, they were just forced out of me.
It felt like a best friend had just died, or my family, or that everyone I had ever loved was gone. And even though I was surrounded by amazing, loving people at this time, I felt so alone. So lost.
When I was forcing myself to read a book for English in the library, every second page I would burst into tears. I'm glad that I still had some emotion inside of me, otherwise I would have been convinced that I was actually dead.
I would have done anything for somebody to just tell me what was wrong with me. Depression, bi-polar, extremely low self-esteem, I don't care, anything would have done as long as I had an explanation for what had come over me.
People are probably so frustrated at me because of yesterday. I don't know... I feel like I lost my reputation of being a normal, happy person. And even by posting this I feel like I've let out a huge secret or something. I have no explanation for this. It all came out of nowhere, and it scares me, because what if it happens again? Having absolutely no control, no motivation, no desire to live, no nothing... it's the worst thing anyone could ever go through.
I don't think that what I've been going through is normal, I've never heard of anything like this before. It may sound like just a "bad day" to some, but it was something much worse. It's like my brain had saved up every negative thought I've ever had, and then had released them into my blood stream all at once, being circulated over and over again, completely numbing me.
I hope that no one will ever have to go through what I did, and I hope that I will never have to go through this again.
But before I went to bed last night, I got some laughs and smiles in. Actually, I got alot of real laughs and real smiles coming from me, which I think is a good sign that I'm slowly coming back to life. And now that today is a new day, maybe things will be better... I feel much better actually. Even though it's gloomy and raining outside, I feel happy, optimistic, and actually motivated to start writing my paper.
So, I'm just going to ask that I be kept in your thoughts and prayers.

So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
You've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love, it weather any storm,
Bring you back to being born again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing:
Love is Unstoppable.

1 comment:

  1. You have no comments on this post... So I figured I'd comment and let you know that I now have a blog. I know you're not much of a follower... but would you follow me? Haha. Talk to you soon.