Carrot Cake for Mother's Day.

"I'm such a FAILURE!" were the words I kept repeating to myself that Saturday evening. My attempt at baking a simple carrot cake totally flopped and I couldn't help but kick myself hard while I was down.

I'm trusting you know that the photos I post on my Instagram, Facebook, and here on my blog are only the best of the best. This is just common knowledge by now, correct? Y'all may see a perfect picture of a good-looking cupcake, but what you don't know is that I may have used my special "crop" button to edit out the massive pile of dirty dishes in the sink on one side and the filthy countertop on the other. Except for in my Chocolate Covered Strawberries blog post, I don't show you the projects that don't turn out, nor do I tell you about them. {I get prideful every now and then...}

Even though I've been baking for years, I still go through these horrible catastrophes; a project that I put immense time and effort into doesn't turn out at all. Unfortunately I take those moments pretty hard. {I'm learning, OK?} I'm not completely sure why, but instead of just posting a bunch of photos of my finished carrot cake, I wanted to be 100% honest and share with you that this particular cake at first was a DISASTER. So, the truth is out! It's not all "buttercream roses" over here all of the time...although I wish it were. ;)

So, to backtrack to a few weeks ago:
I knew Mother's Day was coming up quick, so on that Friday evening as I was layin' in bed, I thought to myself, what is something special I can do for my Mother-in-Law this Mother's Day?

There's always a nice card, right? A nice card...with nice words...that a nice company called Hallmark wrote for you, right? Hmm.
OH! I KNOW! CAKE!
Everyone loves cake, right?! My husband claims he doesn't like cake, but then the next thing you know all of my cupcakes suddenly disappear... Hmmph. :P

I distinctly remembered that my Mother-in-Law liked carrot cake. So just to make sure that my hippocampus was in check, I texted my Father-in-Law asking if she did in fact like carrot cake.
Yes, yes she does! Perfect.
I then began planning it all out:

• Grocery shop Saturday morning,
• bake the cake Saturday evening,
• decorate the cake Sunday after church,
• and deliver the cake Sunday evening.

So on Saturday morning, Jarryd and I set off for the grocery store. Yes, we grocery shop together. Cute, isn't it? :) It's fun going together. But truthfully, I also don't mind going on my own every now and then. {Introvert alert!} His "man-ness" really likes to come out when shopping and therefore he doesn't always appreciate my "woman-ness" when I feel the need to go up and down EVERY single aisle at a snails pace. Pffft. :D

This carrot cake recipe that I love with all of my heart calls for buttermilk, but the grocery store didn't have buttermilk. Whatever; it was all good, because I knew that I could very easily conjure up a buttermilk substitute when I got home later that day!

Once I arrived home, I got straight to cleaning the kitchen. I cleaned that thing SO good! A sparkling clean kitchen seriously makes cooking and baking a thousand times more enjoyable. And if you wear a pretty apron while baking you almost feel like you're the next Martha Stewart on the set of your cooking show. ;)

On a side note, that evening Jarryd made Lobster Mac & Cheese. {Actually it was made with Cavatappi, so it really should have been called "Lobster Cavatappi & Cheese".}

 Look at those beauties. And talk about an expensive meal too. Lobster tails are NOT cheap.

 Jarryd is a GREAT cook!! He was also so proud of himself for making his very first Roux. Cute, hehe (I've been making Roux's for years now). ;)

 He did such an amazing job with this Lobster Cavatappi & Cheese--it tasted absolutely delicious. Anything topped with a buttery Panko breadcrumb and Parmesan cheese mixture is amazing. Plus, LOBSTER!

He may have done the cooking, but I obviously did the food styling and photography. ;)

Anyway, back to BAKING. When the oven timer went off, I shook each pan and they jiggled in the middle. I stuck my special "cake tester" stick into the centre of the cake and none of the batter stuck to it. Hmmm...this is odd, it's not completely set, yet no batter is coming out with the stick.

I let them bake just a little longer, and then removed them to cool. An hour later I returned to the kitchen to remove the cakes from their pans and the middles were STILL jiggly. Quite irritated, I turned the oven back on and baked them some more. I even covered them with foil so the edges wouldn't dry out. Two twenty minute intervals later, they were STILL jiggly. I removed the cakes once again and let them sit on the counter, once again. After they've cooled, AGAIN, I remove them from their pans. I tried everything I could to salvage the dang things. Perhaps it's just the top middle of the cakes that aren't set? So I take my serrated knife and slice each cake in half. I can't even pick them up without them wanting to break in half. :(

In total frustration I just dug my hands into the two cakes and pretty much ripped them to shreds. {Do you ever do weird things like that when you're upset?} Everything immediately following this is pretty much a blur. I remember leaving everything on the counter, including the mess of what was supposed to be a cake, turning off the kitchen light, crawling into bed and just crying a few much needed and well-deserved tears of frustration.

{And in case you're wondering: No, I didn't take a photo of my cake disaster--Now that I am a few weeks older and wiser, I wish that I would have, just for some photographic proof. But to be completely honest, in that moment I couldn't stand to be in the vicinity of cake pans any longer! I was just so upset!}

So my carrot cake didn't turn out. :( I texted to Jarryd. Ugh. I felt like such a failure, for several reasons. One, was that I've made this carrot cake recipe like 3 or 4 times before. I KNOW how to make it and I KNOW it can turn out amazingly. It's a killer recipe! Another reason is that I just so badly want to be naturally good at baking everytime and all the time; I want it to be my thing! I guess because I feel so passionate about baking I just want it to be a perfect process all of the time. {Unrealistic, I know.}

As to why it didn't turn out, I am thinking it was because of my buttermilk substitute of sour cream, milk, and lemon juice. Ugh!

So when Jarryd got home later, he asked me what I was going to do.
Well, I'm gonna go to Walmart tomorrow morning, pick up the ingredients I need, and just bake and decorate it all before the evening!
^Keep in mind, this was said in a very irritated tone. My weekend just wasn't turning out the way I had planned. Not at all! My weekdays are SO busy that when it comes to the weekends all I want to do is have some down time, relax, and sit as much as possible as I'm on my feet all day at work!

And then Jarryd responded with the sweetest words--what I truly needed to hear in that moment. See! that's what I love about you. You never give up!

Sigh. :)

Sunday morning. THIS was fun. The first thing I did was head to Walmart {not a fan of this store, but I was in a serious time crunch!}. And let's not forget, in order for me to get from our bedroom to the front door I had to walk past my disaster of a kitchen that was now covered in carrot cake. Blech.

PRAISE THE LORD, Walmart had buttermilk. {I was beginning to think that Buttermilk was only a Canadian thing--haha, silly me.} I got home and started baking. After I had shuffled through all those plastic Walmart bags I realized I was missing a bag--the bag with the buttermilk! UGH!!
So I drove back to Walmart in a total huff, talked to the cashier about it, who already put the buttermilk back on the shelf at the back of the store.
I just couldn't believe the weekend I had been having. Why was this whole baking thing being so difficult?! Why was I so cranky in the midst of doing something that I love?
Again, now that I am a few days older and wiser, I have it pinpointed that because I have so little time to myself, I just want it to go as planned. Because when time doesn't go as planned, I see it as "wasted time".

So after the whole Walmart thing got sorted out, I baked the cakes--as quickly as I could--and they turned out ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! Talk about a sigh of relief! I'M BACK!!! I exclaimed to the world!

 There they are, perfect as ever. I would have liked to have done a three-layer cake, but with all the screwing up I ran out of necessary ingredients. Oh well, next time. :)

 Toasted coconut, ladies and gentlemen! {I was originally going to leave this out, but my first batch of toasted coconut burnt to a black ugly crisp and I nearly stung my eyes out as I opened that oven door. Just another thing that went wrong haha...}

Here are the two layers of carrot cake sandwiching a beautiful layer of cream cheese frosting. As you can see, I have a very thin layer of frosting around the whole cake. This is called a "Crumb Coat". After you apply the thin layer all over, you place the cake in the fridge until it gets cold and hardens. This allows for when you apply the finished layer of frosting to be flawless--without any crumbs scattered throughout it. Genius, I say!

 After applying the final layer of cream cheese frosting, I garnished it with some of that gorgeous toasted coconut.

 Then, I gave it some walnut garnishes. One thing I learned in culinary school in regards to garnishes is to only use what is relevant. I wouldn't put mint leaves around the top, because there is no mint INSIDE the cake. I put toasted coconut and walnuts on the outside of the cake because it's in the inside of the cake. I mean, I guess I could place an actual whole carrot on top and call it a day, but that's a little too "rustic" for me. Bahah!

Truthfully, I was extremely tempted to leave it like this.
It's simplicity is truly beautiful in it's own way...a.k.a- I was so exhausted and just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. But that would have been the easy way out...

So I decided to do some buttercream flowers!! :) THIS PART, the final, finishing touches is my absolute favourite part of baking. I love to decorate.

Fun fact: I did this all without a rotating cake stand. Talk about a PAIN in the neck. The awkward positions you have to put your body in just to decorate a simple cake is ridiculous. Don't worry folks, it's next on the list of things to buy!

 The yellow rose was inspired by my Mother-in-law, whose favourite colour is yellow. :) <3

OH! And this was my very first time using my leaf tips to make leaves and I'm so happy with how they turned out. I never thought piping leaves could be so easy!

I am totally honest in saying this...this cake turned out way better than I thought it would.

 Apparently I have become a VERY messy baker. Then again, I think it was just the unfortunate circumstance of having to redo everything and blah blah blah. {I'm learning, people!}

 Jarryd told me that I look like I'm holding our newborn child. Ha ha ha!

 DON'T drop it, self!!

I learned a WHOLE lot through this one cake baking weekend. I learned that I am SO glad I didn't give up. My first carrot cake was an absolute disaster--and that's OK. Just because one cake doesn't turn out it doesn't mean that I am a failure, loser, or incompetent. It means I am only human. When things don't work, just cry; cry it out. Destress, let the stress escape your body in the form of ugly wet tears, crawl into bed, PRAY to Jesus for strength and gratefulness, and get some sleep. REST. The Bible talks so much about rest, and it makes sense because I'm usually at my worst when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

Getting back up after falling down, and then moving on to create something beautiful that tasted as good as it looked--maybe even better--one thing I am very proud of myself for.

Also, seeing the look on my in-laws faces when they laid eyes on this cake was sooo worth it! I never told them any of this, like how my first carrot cake never turned out and how stressful the whole ordeal was, so if they're reading this...SURPRISE! :) Love you guys!

So in conclusion, despite the messy weekend I had, I STILL love baking and I'm still going to keep on keepin' on! In fact, I have a cake order this weekend that I am incredibly excited for!! I can't wait to get going on it. :)

Thanks everyone for reading this. I haven't blogged in awhile and therefore I feel like my writing skills aren't quite as up to par as they once were. I hope you enjoyed reading about my accomplishments ALONG with my failures. Balance is key, right? Xoxo! <3

The Hardest Weeks.

For those of you who don't know, at my new church I joined a "Freedom Group". It's a little group made up of around eight adult women.

Relationship with Jesus = Freedom, and our group is essentially on the pursuit of Freedom.

Amazingly enough we are already 10 weeks in. Lives are changing, we're all making the choices on a DAILY basis to love and forgive; and from this, relationships have been restored!
I personally, have found beauty in authenticity. I used to think I was a pretty open person, but I guess I was just open about the more "shallow" less boat-rocking things. My decision to be vulnerable and authentic with those around me has been a great one; I wouldn't change it for the world.

It's been an emotional, exhausting, and incredible 10 weeks so far.

In just a little over two weeks we have an all-campus wide Freedom retreat coming up. Our leaders have told us that it's such a powerful weekend, which makes me excited and yet slightly nervous. I always get a little nervous when it comes to the unknown...

And now, to the heavy stuff. In our last session, we studied demons.
1) Demons are real.
2) Demons want to destroy you.
3) Demons respond to a higher authority.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
but against the rulers,
against the authorities,
against the powers of this dark world
and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
{Ephesians 6:10-12}

The more we KNOW about how the devil wants nothing more than to devour us and help us make choices that will ruin our lives, the more aware we are of the spiritual battle that is going on all around us. And the more we know about the battle, the harder it all becomes.

Our leaders told us yesterday that the weeks from now up until the retreat are probably going to be the hardest. They say this because God is doing such incredible things through us and because we are so deep in the Word, the devil hates that and schemes even harder because of it.
Our group meets every Tuesday and all of us can attest that Tuesdays have not been our finest days and we can absolutely see the devil trying to convince us to stay home and miss a session of growing in our relationship with Christ.

As for the statement about the next weeks being the toughest, I thought in reply of "hmm...we'll see."

That was yesterday.
And as for today? Today has been pretty crappy {excuse my French}. No, not pretty crappy. I take that back. It's been SO crappy.

I went from having one of the most awesome weekends spent up in New Jersey with friends, a great evening at Freedom group, to today: a day of heartbreak, stress, tears, worry, and utter hopelessness.

As soon as I got home I went straight to my bed and laid in that dark room for an hour; it was a long hour of heart racing, tears falling, and Jesus calling. {That's something I've learned in Freedom Group, when you simply don't know what to pray, just say Jesus' name over and over again. Non-believers may say it casually or even mockingly, but believers say it with power. We say it victoriously.}

And then, for some odd reason I picked myself up out of bed, retreated from that dark room and baked 84 mini and 12 standard-sized banana chocolate chip oat muffins. Where did that energy come from?
And here I am now, sitting at the kitchen island blogging and asking myself, "do I really want to hit the Publish button"?

Yes, yes I do. I kind of have to, right? Especially after that entire spiel about being authentic.

Anyway, I apologize if this post seemed a little heavy on the doom-and-gloom side of the scale. I just I just wanted to be honest and real. <3

Delicious Vanilla Cupcakes With Vanilla Buttercream Frosting.

So, this full-time chef job of mine has been a huge blessing to Jarryd and I. Huge!
Let's back up a little. I have always loved baking over cooking. In choosing between the two, I'd choose the former for sure. This is for several reasons.
One is because baking is so "by the book" and I'm very much a "by the book" person who strives for perfection. Either I want to do it perfectly or I won't do it at all. With baking there is no messin' around {except for the spilled flour all over your counter and the greasy butter fingerprints on your measuring spoons).
Also, cooking is all about speed and doesn't require much patience; baking on the other hand is a slower activity, in most cases at least. And it requires great patience as it can involve many repetitive tedious tasks, like decorating cupcakes for instance.

Once I decided I wanted a career in the culinary field {about four years ago}, I applied to bakeries like crazy. I didn't know it at the time, but bakeries are so hard to get into. :S

When I was living in Ontario I landed a job at a bakery--BUT only as a deli worker, slicing meat for eight hours straight. (My right bicep was huuuuge!) A few months into the job, after some convincing of "hey, I'm currently in culinary school and would love some extra hands-on experience in your bakery", I landed a few shifts in the back-of-house bakery. And I just LOVED every second of it.
I loved icing the wedding cakes, glazing the strawberries, filling the eclairs, and piping the buttercream frosting onto the cupcakes. I even didn't mind working at the counter and filling the little boxes with whatever delectable treats the customers' hearts desired. I realized then and there--and also within attending my pastry classes--that baking was what I wanted to do and LOVED to do.

Fast forward to getting married, moving to the US on a visa, and needing every penny we could, the baking thing kinda went out the window. Jarryd and I could hardly afford buying groceries, so how could I justify spending money on baking supplies? (Hmm...should we buy a roll of toilet paper or a bag of sugar? Haha!) :P

Now, approaching the two year mark of marriage {by God's provision, alone} Jarryd and I are now DINKS. Double-income-no-kids. ;)
It sounds like a lot of money, right?! But when you add paying off debt, bills, and taxes into the mix, it's as if the money was never there in the first place. Sigh.
Fortunately, we have a few extra coinage to spare and it's with these coins that I have FINALLY been able to buy baking supplies! This is such a HUGE blessing!! {Thank you God!!}
It makes me so happy that I can finally pursue my baking dream, which then makes Jarryd so happy because he sees me so happy--and let's not forget that I hired him on as my official taste-tester. So, hence all of the happiness going around.

About a month ago the two of us set out and went on a sort of "baking haul". We bought decorating tips/nozzles, piping bags, flour sifter, offset spatulas, cupcake liners, baking ingredients, a giant portable cupcake carrier, and other little goodies! It was THE BEST!

There is my little collection of decorating tips/nozzles. A few are from my culinary school kit, some are past christmas gifts, and some are brand stinkin' new! They're just all so fun to practice with.

So anyway, now on to the CUPCAKES!
One fine Saturday evening I tied my apron around my waist and got to baking. In regards to flavour, I decided to start with basic and simple: VANILLA.

I DO have a KitchenAid stand mixer now (it's pink!!) but I made these cupcakes well before that purchase. So, this is my humble hand mixer {wedding gift!}. Don't be fooled. It is KitchenAid brand so it gets the job done. Plus it's cute and pastel yellow. ;)

OH we also bought a new muffin tin from Kohls--on sale too!

Thankfully, the cupcakes themselves turned out perfectly.

The next day after church, I started on my FAVOURITE part of the baking process--decorating, applying the finishing touches, styling, and photography.

 Anyone who knows me, knows that pink is my FAVOURITE color, so I had to choose pink for the icing. No buts about it! I wanted to a try a two-toned icing for the cupcakes--so I went for two shades of pink: a light pink, and a very very very light pink. ;)

Mmm...this is vanilla buttercream frosting, my friends. Personally, it's my all-time favourite time of icing. Why? Because of the butter of course.

Here is how the two-toned vanilla buttercream frosting turned out. It is quite subtle, but it's there. I think next time I would create the two colours with a greater contrast because I want the tones to be more noticeable. But that's what this whole cupcake day was for--to practice, and to see what I liked and didn't like! :)

 As for the green one in the centre, I was originally going for a light "Tiffany" blue--my favourite shade of blue, but on the journey there, I decided that I REALLY loved the light minty green, so I kept it. :)

 Food styling and food photography are incredibly fun. When Jarryd watches me take all the photos, rearranging everything in every way possible, he just doesn't understand. But once he sees the end photo, it all clicks for him. Hmm...maybe my wife's not so crazy after all...

Here are all of the pink ones! We have begonias, roses, rose bouquets, and chrysanthemums!  

This rose cupcake in particular was SO much fun to do. Oh my word, I would love to do a thousand of these rose cupcakes. (Maybe one day?) :)

 I finally put my old cupcake stand to use.

 How fun is that swirly mint green one on the top tier? It's icing to cake ratio is INSANITY (I could never eat that much icing on one cupcake), but it's so adorable!!

 I didn't want to post this photo but Jarryd made me do it.

 Two of my favourite things: Cupcakes and Starbucks!! :)

This one is my absolutely favourite photo of them all!

The thing with making all of these cupcakes is that the recipe made 15+ cupcakes...meanwhile there's only 2 of us. They were too pretty and were made with too much love to just toss in the freezer for safe-keeping; so I decided to put a post up on Facebook {with the picture above} asking if any local friends and family wanted a free taste. I remember saying to Jarryd what if nobody wants any?! How awkward would that be?!

But after I pressed that "post" button, the response from people was incredible and more than I ever imagined. I mean, I thought that the cupcakes were good, but I didn't think they were amazing!

Isn't it funny how we undermine our skills? At least I do. I think to myself, oh anyone can ice a cupcake. It's easy. I often forget that yes, it may be an easy task for me, but to someone who has Pi memorized or can construct a house in their sleep, it may be something unfathomable to them.

I ended up giving all the cupcakes away--and could have given out more if I had more, but ran out! Delivering them was fun too because I got to visit with some amazing people who I hadn't seen in a long time! <3

If you're familiar with the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman...one of mine is "Words of Affirmation". An encouraging and genuine word or two about my personality, skills, appearance, ANYTHING means the world to me. It makes me feel so loved. So when I got such an overwhelming response on Facebook about my cupcakes, I felt...really really good. :) And encouraged, and almost purposeful. 

I never want to forget any of the encouraging words my friends and family gave me, because they truly meant everything. I feel like God has created a spark in me in regards to my love for baking; I'm not sure what's gonna happen or where it could take me. All I know is that it's there and I feel like God keeps nudging me in different ways. I'm seeking God's wisdom in this, along with help and advice from those I trust.

Much is unknown right now, but what I do know is:

• Baking is one of my favourite hobbies.
• I absolutely love using a piping bag.
• If I had the opportunity to continue my Culinary education and get a degree in Baking & Pastry Arts, I totally would.
• My husband's eyes light up when he sees my baked goods comin' out of the oven {and he says he's not much of a sweets-guy. Pffft}!
• I love sharing my baking with my loved ones!!

Sooo, we'll see, my friends, we'll see! :) Thank you for reading! I appreciate you all!!

Anxiety, Burdens, & Grace.

Often I wonder why God made me the way that He did. I'm not referring to my physical self, but rather my emotional and mental self.

It takes no time at all for me to "burn out", in every aspect.
I feel stress so easily.
Anxiety is probably the biggest battle I've ever fought--and still fighting. I can go for days, sometimes a week or two at a time without feeling any sort of anxiety. Then, when I notice that I'm not feeling anxious, I'll start to feel anxious about not feeling anxious. It's as if I'm sitting on the edge of my seat in gut-wrenching suspense just knowing and waiting for it to hit, because it IS going to hit whether I'm "ready" or not. No matter how much time I spend with Jesus, no matter how much worship music I listen to, no matter how many Bible verses I read, it's still going to hit.

My anxiety and/or anxiety attacks consist of aloooooot of crying. For practically no reason at all. Also, I start to feel excessive amounts of dread...such as dreading a certain event, a certain person, or even going to bed because I know I'll be closer to a certain day that I'm dreading. Anxiety also shrinks my stomach; the more anxious I feel the smaller my appetite gets.

I feel like I'm a person who can't handle much. If we're talking plates, I am just a girl holding a saucer. My "plate" is a saucer, like half of the size of a normal entree plate. Therefore even though the amounts may be small to some, I constantly feel like "I have alot on my plate" because it's just a saucer. Then you have people like my husband, whose plates are more than just average-sized, they're like large serving platters. People like him only get caught stressing out about once a year. That, is amazing to me and I'm jealous of that fact.

I don't like telling others about how stressed out I am feeling or how I feel like I'm way too busy because I'll more than likely get a response like, "you don't know stress until you've worked a 60 hour week like me, you only work 40 hours so you don't understand", or "you don't know chaos until you become a mom, you have no idea", or "you just wait till blah blah blah, you don't even know how good you have it right now".
I don't want to hear that, I don't want to hear any of that! That's just disrespectful and full of judgement; people spew out statements like that as if they know my whole life story and the battles that go on inside my head. We all have our different plate sizes. The people who have normal plates don't understand me and my little saucer. Just like how I will never understand how women who work full-time jobs can somehow juggle two kids, a husband, a dog, church, Bible study, serving at the homeless shelter, work-out sessions, and time with friends on a weekly basis can even survive; I feel burnt out just thinking about this scenario.

It very much so helps me that my husband and I are vastly different in this way. I can't even imagine being married to someone like me. I'm NOT saying that he's not allowed to feel anxiety or stress, I'm only saying that I'm so thankful he doesn't feel it as often as I do/hardly ever. He doesn't really understand my struggle, but he tries he best to care for me; he helps keep me grounded and reminds me of God's promises to me. {He also knows when I need a Sunday afternoon spent in bed by myself watching movies and eating junk food.} :P

Having so small of a plate, I often wonder how God can use me. How can God use somebody like me to bring glory to His Kingdom? How can God use a girl like me who dislikes being busy, loathes not getting enough alone time, can hardly handle life without 8 hours of sleep a night, and struggles with anxiety?

I had pretty big fears about starting a full-time job. As someone who relishes in free-time, slow mornings/days, finding fulfillment in being productive at home, I knew that starting this full-time job and being out of the house for 10 hours a day would be HARD. But I also knew that we had been praying for a full-time job for me, and we had been praying for the extra income. Me working full-time was just something that needed to happen in order to help us reach our goals. I can't even believe this, but I'm already two months into my job now! And I'm still alive! This season of busyness is a struggle but I am adjusting, living, learning, seeking God, and taking it all day by day. {At least, I am trying to!}

The fact that I am handling this busy schedule, is a great encouragement to me. I have huge huge huge fears about becoming a mom one day simply for the reason that I'm rather selfish with my time. I grasp it so tightly that I can't picture myself letting go and giving all of that time and energy to a baby. So, if I can give 40 hours of my week and time and energy to a job and still live to tell the tale, I think maybe one day I can give 168 hours of my week to my own child. Plus, there is love in the mix. Obviously I wouldn't DIE for my job, but I will DIE happily for my own flesh and blood. Right? {Are you SEEING the places that my mind takes me on a regular basis?! I'm not even pregnant and I am already struggling with giving my time to my future child. As they say here in the US, "bless my heart"...but for real though...bless my heart!}

The question about whether or not God can use ME is one I have been asking for prayer about in my women's Bible study {Freedom group}. It's ridiculous how the Bible is filled with promises for me and yet I still choose to doubt it. I mean, my head believes it, but my heart has its moments where it wavers away from belief in those promises.

I'm learning alot from my Freedom Group, one is that if I'm the one carrying all of my burdens {my stresses, anxieties, worries, ect} then how can I be of any good to others? What kind of fruit will I bear? If I handle it all myself I can't give others the best parts of me, I'll only be giving them my tiredness, my crankiness, and my irritation. Right? And what good can that possibly do?
We need to carry burdens in life, if we don't, we are simply just living, and not being challenged. And when you're not challenged, there is no opportunity for growth.

"Then Jesus said, 'come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light" -Matthew 11:28-30.

Jesus says that HE will take all of our heavy burdens and exchange them for his light burdens. So Jesus can carry my stresses, anxieties, fears, and worries, and I can carry the light burden of loving God, loving myself, and loving others? This trade doesn't seem fair in the least bit. Well, neither was Jesus dying on the cross fair in the least bit. I don't deserve to have someone carry all of these things for me, I really don't. But that's why Jesus is so amazing; his grace is never-ending!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." -Ephesians 2:4-9

As for God using somebody like me...I have NO clue what He has in mind, but I like to think that He has created so many different personalities so that everyone can be reached in their own unique way. I don't know what God was thinking when He made me, :P {haha!} but I do believe with all my heart that we are capable of great things when we give Him our heavy burdens and let Him live through us. <3

Also, I don't know if any of this made any sense at all, but I appreciate you taking the time to read my crazy thoughts. Even if it did go in one ear and out the other, it felt good and therapeutic to type it all out nonetheless. :)