A New Emotion.

It's crazy.
Since a year ago, my life has done a complete 180.
I'm going to try my best to explain it; While attending this Bible college since September, God has placed me in specific situations with specific people for specific reasons.
I believe that in both preparation AND as a result of this current escapade, God has given me an emotion I have never experienced before.


He has given me: a righteous anger.


It's insane. It's like nothing I have ever felt before! It makes being a Christian 10x harder than before, but at the same time it makes being a Christian 10x easier than before. I know, impossible to explain, right?
But bear with me here. First of all, righteous anger is different from normal anger:


Righteous anger: makes you desire for people to feel convicted of their sin, that they will realize their sin, and repent of it. It allows you to express the Fruits of the Spirit (found in Galatians 5:22) towards those who are sinning. It also causes you to handle conflict in a Biblical manner.


Sinful Anger: makes you desire for the person who is sinning to get-what-they-deserve and suffer for it because we feel like we are better than them. Sinful anger makes you uncontrollable in your actions, and causes you to act just the opposite of the Fruits of the Spirit.


Lately I've been feeling like David in Psalm 139:19-22, crying out to God saying:


"God, I wish you would kill the wicked!
Get away from me, you murderers!
They say evil things about you.
Your enemies use your name thoughtlessly.
Lord, I hate those who hate you;
I hate those who rise up against you.
I feel only hate for them."


I believe that by how much I have grown in my faith within the past two or so years, I just better understand what it really means to be a Christian. I now understand that if you really love God, you need to give EVERYTHING up for him, and that as Christians we must "turn from [our] selfish ways, take up [our] crosses, and follow God daily" (Matthew 16:24). I don't understand fully (this is an impossible feat.), but I understand better the seriousness,power, and wrath of God. God isn't just some friendly old man sitting on a chair in the sky, floating around amidst the clouds. He is SO powerful and JUST.


And when the time comes, we will be judged for everything we do and every word we say."But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned," (Matt. 12:36).


With this righteous anger I have just become so intolerant of so many things. I hate drunkenness, gossiping (I definitely need to write a blog entry on this one alone!!), sexual immorality, boasting, and disrespect along with many other things.


It's so crazy. I used to be completely tolerant of these things. It's not like I preferred or adored them, I just didn't get upset over them. I just thought, "hey, if they're living like that, it's all good, because I wanna live that way too. And yes, I'm aware that God's gonna judge me one day, but that day is not today; therefore, I can do these things now and ask for forgiveness later." Ugh. This mindset sickens me. And this pertains to how having righteous anger makes living the Christian life easier than before, because it makes me not to do the things I used to do!


But experiencing righteous anger frightens me a little and makes it harder to be a Christian, because I feel it could potentially cause me to become prideful. I can see it making me feel like I am better than the person who is sinning, as if I am a "better Christian" than they are. I do not want for this because pride is the very thing I despise, and I definitely am not a better Christian than anyone. Not at all. 


This new emotion is a tricky, confusing thing. I mean, where do you draw the line on seeing someone's sin and becoming angry about their sin, without judging them on their sin? Because the Bible clearly tells us in Romans 2:1: "therefore, you have no excuse, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things."
I just get so confused...I don't know how to be concerned about someone's sin without potentially judging them for it. It is especially at this hair-pulling point when I need to but God back into the equation.


I need to be in constant prayer with Him so that He can keep my righteous anger from possibly transforming into a sinful anger.
I need to forgive those who I see have sinned and just learn to love them. I must love those EGR people (extra-grace-required people). I need to love how Jesus loved. Sigh, it is so hard, and I cannot do it on my own. Only with God's strength can I love those whom I find to be the unlovable. (I am now hoping that I am not somebody's unlovable person...ha) I pray that if there is somebody I need to confront, that God would make this known to me and would strengthen me to do so.


God, thank you for this emotion you have given me. I pray that you will strengthen me to use this passion in the right way FOR you, rather than in the sinful way AGAINST you. Help me to love like you love, unconditionally. Don't let me ever to be tolerant of the sins I once was tolerant of, keep me in this righteous anger for You.

Caramel Dip.

It has been a grand weekend so far. Last night my roomies and I decorated our room for Christmas. The fridge looks like a giant Christmas present, complete with a giant red bow. Above the sink are red, white, and green candy canes hanging. Sparkly garland laces the windows and each handle of the kitchen cupboards. And best of all, we put up a miniature PINK Christmas tree. I am such a female. :)

I woke up and did some devotions. Revelation is such a sensational book of the Bible! I need to take a class on it or something. It's frightening, exciting, and a reminder that in the end, God WINS.

I then trekked through the blizzard to the gym for the -cue the drum roll- SECOND time this semester. I feel super good right now! I was the only one in there (but how surprising is that? I mean, who really wants to walk through a deathly blizzard just to get sweaty in the end?) so I tried out some machines. I worked my arms, and then rowed on the rowing machine for 2000 miles! (sounds extravagant, doesn't it?) Then I went on the beloved treadmill; it reminded me of all the times I ran this summer. I was so diligent about running back then. I miss the endorphins and the freedom that came along with it. Sigh. I can't wait until the summer comes around again.

And now I am here, in the library with my apple slices and caramel dip. It's definitely not a paper-writing kind of day. It's a cozy-up-to-the-fireplace-and-read-a-Nicholas-Sparks-novel kinda day. But I think I'll just have to settle for the paper-writing, since a) I don't own a fireplace, and b) I didn't bring any of my Nicholas Sparks to college with me.

Call me a 13-year-old girl, but tonight I am seeing Twilight: Breaking Dawn on its opening night. Call me a 13-year-old girl, but I am excited. Haha.

If you haven't already, listen to "The Middle" by American Idol winner -country singer- Lauren Alaina. It is on repeat. :)

The Little Things.

Today was such an incredible day. I wish I could just describe it. It wasn't incredible on the level of like worldly fun, it was incredible in that I can see that God has worked on me, is working on me, and is sustaining me!


But here are just some random things that made the day so great:
I was just super productive this morning in the library.
I got a beautiful mark on my Theology midterm.
I aced my Anthropology quiz.
I was having a good hair day.
My professors are so sweet and helpful!
God took away all my bitterness and replaced it with selfless love.
My volleyball intramural team WON (finally!!)
I made some new friends and had some great talks.
I got to spend the evening with my parents, my sister & bro-in-law, and my two nieces.
I prayed with my boyfriend.
And I am not feeling stressed out about homework at all.


All of these little things just added up to a great day. Something that also helped was that my self-esteem was high. This self esteem just makes me feel so confident and outgoing, and I love it! I hate to admit this, but everyday it is different. I can bounce from low self-esteem to high self-esteem in no time, and I feel like this is wrong. I am a child of God, so therefore, I should always be confident of my identity in Him. I should always know that I am beautiful, friendly, helpful, and kind with God as my Father.


Anyway, I wish I could elaborate on all of this morning, but bedtime is a must. I am just so thankful to God for giving me such a great day, and for opening my eyes to things that I need to change about myself to further glorify Him. He is slowly stripping away my selfishness, pride, and judgment, and it's a nice feeling.


Good night :)

Jeremiah 17:5-8

A good friend of mine sent me this Bible verse today, and I'd like to share it with you. My prayer is that it encourages you as much as it encouraged me!

 ⁵ This is what the LORD says:

   “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, 

who draws strength from mere flesh 

and whose heart turns away from the LORD. 

⁶ That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;

they will not see prosperity when it comes. 

They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,

in a salt land where no one lives.

 ⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,

 whose confidence is in him.

⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water 

that sends out its roots by the stream. 

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. 

It has no worries in a year of drought 

and never fails to bear fruit.”

❤  ❤  ❤

Contentment in the Desert.

Before I start, Pumpkin Pie Kashi bars are absolutely AMAZING. If you haven't tried one already, please do so as soon as possible! Mmm mmm! :)

I haven't been blogging very well lately. There's always something else that has more "priority"...a chapter to read, a class to go to, a paper to write, or a tea-time to attend. (I love tea-time!) So right now my life is probably somewhat of a mystery to you. Well, here goes. Here is the cold, hard, truth which I am going to try my best to explain.

My prayer to God every night is for contentment. I am seeking and desiring to be content here at this college. I am seeking for the assurance in that I am supposed to be here.

My current setting is this: I am attending a tiny Bible college located in a small town in central Canada. It is surrounded by nothing but some fields and a single highway. It is twenty minutes from a small city, and an hour from a somewhat larger city. I do not own a car. Therefore, I am stuck.

In the winter, this area has been officially labeled as "the coldest place on earth". The rumour was that last year, it reached down to -60 celsius.
This makes me want to throw up, because I just hate the cold. I was not made for Canadian winters and that is a fact.
Oh and can I just go on about the dryness? My skin is constantly peeling, and my hair doesn't curl anymore. I get bloody noses and headaches. My body is upset at me...

I got to go home (which is about 7-8 hours away) for an entire week for our reading break, and it was the best week of my life. I had my own room, I could sleep soundly again. I had my friends. I had my Mom and my Dad who I love so very much. I had my church. I had the opportunity to drive places. I could be my complete self and feel comfortable. I got to watch the movie Courageous which changed my life forever. I was just sooooo happy to be home (which is a pretty big deal for me, since I have always been the type to desire a life far away from home), and whenever I'd be reminded of coming back to this cool my mood would just damper down.

Maybe I just spoiled myself by going to an amazing Christian university in BC and connecting with so many amazing women who are still in my life today praying for me and guiding me. And then there was Bible school in Germany. Honestly, my experience there was indescribable. And it's frustrating because nobody outside of that school will ever understand the incredible spiritual effect it can have on a person. I feel like no one understands my desire to have deep friendships...where instead of gossiping and having useless conversations, we talk about important things, and we pray together.

But as I was saying, those two schools were in my ideal, top-notch locations. In BC the air was humid and there were thousands of trees and everything was just green and gorgeous!! In Germany outside the view of my balcony there was a swan-filled lake at the foot of the Swiss Alps...I could walk to the bus stop and take off wherever my heart desired to take off to. And in both places, when it would snow, it would be gone within a few hours!

But here, I am stuck. Here it is cold, and barren, and the snow NEVER leaves. But it's more than the location. It's the fact that those other places were full of excitement and adventure! Everyday was unpredictable--you never knew where you'd take the train to next, or the things you'd see, or the people you'd share God's word with. It was so exciting! But here, everyday is mostly the same...I could tell you exactly what I will be doing 3 weeks from now at 1:04 PM and I'd be totally correct.

I am facing so many challenges here that I never thought I'd have to go through. I am going home for a wedding and a baby shower in less than two weeks and I am just crazy excited! And once again it's gonna take more than the strength of my own flesh to bring me back here.

My eyes don't light up from the thought of finishing my degree here (two 1/2 more years...), and that worries me. I don't know what to do, but what I do know is that this place has been a blessing. Being here, I have met some incredible people who I would love to get to know better, I have faced countless challenges that have made some of my relationships stronger (including my relationship with God), and I have learned so much from my classes and my God-fearing professors. So don't get me wrong--there are some fun times and some great talks that I've had. AND I have gotten some fabulous grades on my assignments! (Praise God!!)

I'm praying that I will be patient. Maybe these things take time.
I'm also praying for the days to fly by but I kick myself in knowing that that's what you call a selfish prayer; so I'm praying for strength to stand the slow days.
I'm praying that God will give me direction in a lot of areas...I'm considering changing my major.
I'm praying that I will one day stop comparing this school to my old schools.
I'm praying that I will find contentment in the desert, because God wants me here for a reason, and He has a weird, weird plan for all of this.
One day it will all make sense to me.

But all in all, thank you Jesus for bringing me here,
thank you for sustaining me thus far,
thank you for the wonderful and beautiful friends I have made,
and thank you for the EGR (extra grace required) people,
and thank for you the memories I did have at my old schools and for giving me those amazing years,
thank you for your protection, and thank you for your incredible love.

❤  ❤  ❤

Update:

I just got back from playing inter mural volleyball with my team for the very first time!

And it was fun and exciting!

Hmm...maybe this whole excitement thing just takes time. Maybe there is hope after all.

Oh, I will.

[My current desktop background--gotta love it]

Going Back.

I am at home for reading week and I head back to college this Saturday night. It is going to take me every ounce of motivation to get back in that car and drive back because I just...am not all too thrilled about it.

I keep having nightmares about being back at college too. I don't know what it all means. I have never been one to think that dreams had much meaning, but all of this just worries me.

I am not sure if it is the place for me; I'm still trying to decipher it. But I'm going to stick it out, trust God in His plans for me, and listen for His voice and see what He wants me to do. Because even if this is the last place I want to be, maybe it is the very first place God needs me to be.

I do think there's a reason why I am there...I'm just trying to figure that out still.

Christian Music.

"Your Love Never Fails" by Jesus Culture is currently my favourite song right now.
It's the song I crank up when I'm getting ready in the morning; it's the song I listen to when I'm lying in my bed relaxing. And it's also my favourite song in chapel! I love it!

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the agesYour love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good!

Christian/worship music and I have had an interesting relationship. I loved it as a kid growing up. All I ever listened to was Zoe Girl and Superchick...and I thought Christian music was the only music that existed!

As I entered into Jr. High I got sucked into the world of pop and hip hop and I definitely thought that Christian music was so far from "cool".
As high school ended and my first few years of college rolled by, I fell in love with country, absolutely in love. But I then began to notice that a lot of my friends at Bible college were listening to Christian music. One of my friends even expressed to me that her favourite thing to do every Sunday morning was to blast worship music in her room while getting ready for church. I thought to myself and knew for a fact that this wasn't my favourite thing to do at all.
Now that I'm entering my third year of college, I feel like I have grown some. I feel like I'm at that stage when I FINALLY understand why my parents taught me the things they taught me. So, instead of me viewing them as "ignorant of the times" or just ridiculous, I see them as WISE. Every word of advice and every rule they laid on me now suddenly makes perfect sense. And I kick myself everyday just wishing that I could have seen this as a kid. Ah well, it is all part of the growing experience, isn't it?
Anyway, my parents always told me to be careful as to what movies I watch and what music I listen to. Right now I am definitely realizing this. I cannot stand secular pop, hip hop, or top 40 music. I just hate what they are filling into the mind's of kids these days! Music is just such a powerful thing--and this is why I'm becoming very wary of what I listen to. It is just awfully hard these days with shopping malls blasting these songs, or even living in the context of a dorm, you can always hear somebody's music playing songs you don't necessarily want to hear. Sigh.
As I have been growing closer to God I have been starting to crave listening to worship and Christian music. I find it incredibly encouraging and just plain appropriate! I also think attending chapel 5 days a week and listening to the worship team has had some effect on me. I'm just happy because I am no longer forcing myself to listen to Christian music or am pretending to like it. I have actually fallen in love with it because I know it is good for me and that it can only help lead me down the right path.

Tranquility.

I would like to be here right now.

I am almost there, almost.

❤