It's OK.

Dear Jennifer,
You know what? People say things. People say alot of things. And they say these things, thinking that it'll never get to you. These people trust that their words are safe and sound in the new homes of their friends' ears.
What I've learnt, is that no matter what terrible things some people have to say about you, never stop being who you are. Don't change just so you can look like you're trying to prove something. Don't let their words get to you. Just be yourself. Be who you love to be, and do what you love to do.
It's OK to not be liked. It's OK to not have the ability to please everyone. As they say: "life goes on!"

Much Love, Self.

The Good, and The Bad.

As you can tell from my previous entry, I'm not feelin' so hot right now. Physically, I'm a wreck. My eyes are tired. My legs are sore from running. My skin hurts from too much sun. I haven't eaten anything remotely healthy in... well, much too long, and my body is starting to show it.
And, emotionally, I'm a wreck. I know this sounds pretty cheesy, but recently I've been realizing who my real friends are, and what makes a person a real friend. It sucks admitting to yourself who's not so real, and it sucks even more hearing yourself admit it out loud.
Sometimes I wonder, if I were to die today, would they even care? Would they have regretted the way they treated me?

So...just leave them. That'll solve all of your problems. Yeah, it would, but it's not that simple. You can't just walk away from certain relationships. Sometimes you're just tied down and can't get free.

I apologize for the tremendously depressing blog entry. But at the same time I'm not that sorry. I mean, this is my blog. My blog; I can write about whatever I so please.

These past few days I've been analyzing many of my relationships, and sorting them into imaginary piles. Piles titled: "The Good" and "The Bad". Fortunately, my "Good" pile is taller than I thought it was.

Then there's "The Bad". These are the relationships that make me feel horrible. They bring bitterness and jealousy into my life. They make me hate. They make me cry. They make me so angry. They're like a rain cloud constantly hovering over me. They make me feel unloved. They make me feel like I'll never be good enough. They make me question who I am. They pour unhealthy motives into my brain and my actions reflect it.

I'm not going to go into a detailed lecture on what classifies these piles, actually...I will. I know that healthy relationships are the ones that encourage you. They brighten your life. They make you smile, and they make you feel loved. They make you feel like you can be your complete self and still be liked for who you are. They give you a shoulder to cry on. They're always there for you. When they ask how you're doing they actually mean it. These relationships are completely honest with you, and never want for you to hurt. These relationships have good intentions. They're not vain in any way. These relationships are two sided and are always equal; the scale never tips too far to one side more than necessary. They know when to talk and when to listen.

And just a second ago, it hit me that a good relationship is everything described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It's not rude or self-seeking. It's not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.

I just want to rid my life of all my bad relationships...somehow. I've just gotten to the point when it's impossible to fake it any longer.

But I think at this moment in time, I need to focus on how thankful I am for being blessed with so many good relationships. These people in my life really have no idea how much I really appreciate them.

What I've also learnt from life experience, it's that on nights like these, you can't let yourself just sit around and mope. You have to do something productive; do something that makes you feel like you lived some today. So on that note, I'm going to clean the kitchen. And maybe attempt my tornado of a bedroom.

Good night everyone, and thank you for listening...err...reading.

I am dreading everything right now. Well not everything, but most things. I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

Dream.

The best thing ever happened to me! Honestly, in this moment, all of my hopes and dreams came true. The one thing I have ever wanted to happen, happened.

...and then I woke up. Darn you wonderful dreams!

Countdown.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:
♥ You let me down, so hard. But I'll never tell you that.
♥ I'm so glad to have met you!! We had a connection right from the start!
♥ I love we're able to start right where we left off, every time.
♥ I'm sorry I can't be there for you right now.
♥ I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!
♥ Thank you for always being there for me.
♥ I can't see us being friends in the future. We have nothing in common.
♥ I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but despite this, I still feel your love everyday!
♥ I told all of my friends, even my Mom, that I'd marry you in a flash, but you suddenly disappeared.
♥ I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way you feel for me. I wish I did, but I...just don't.

9 things about yourself:
♥ When it comes to being on the stage, I love it; I absolutely love it. But in everyday situations, I hate being the center of attention.
♥ My blog is always on my mind. My wheels are constantly spinning trying to figure out what I should write about at the end of the day.
♥ I hate being awake in the middle of the night; it feels as if you're alive when everyone else is dead.
♥ Teeth are the first thing I notice about a person. Weird, right?
♥ Singing harmony is so easy to me!
♥ The music I listen to has so much of an influence on me. Lyrics can be so incredibly powerful. It can make me happy as ever; yet, it can make me as depressed as ever. (I always have to be careful what I listen to before work!)
♥ If somebody chopped my hair short, I don't think I could live with myself.
♥ I write to-do lists like it's going outta style, but I have unfortunately, never once completed a whole list.
♥ I hate telling people what to do. I once had to direct a play in English class, and ahhhh that was the worst.

8 ways to win your heart:
♥ This is something I try not to think about anymore.

7 things that cross your mind often:
♥ Hair.
♥ Love.
♥ Men.
♥ Body.
♥ My goals.
♥ God.
♥ My friends and family.

6 things you do before you go to sleep:
♥ Brush my teeth.
♥ Set a glass of water beside my bed
♥ Pull up the blinds so that the moon shines across my bed.
♥ Turn my phone off
♥ Worry about the rest of my life/cry.
♥ Read a good book.

5 people you couldn't live without:
♥ My family and my friends, and that's more than enough.

4 things you're wearing right now:
♥ tired eyes
♥ my High Valley "On The Combine" t-shirt.
♥ pearl earrings
♥ a ring that I never ever take off.

3 songs that fit your life perfectly:
♥ What do you want from me? -Jerrod Niemann
♥ You won't find this -Carrie Underwood
♥ I can't be bothered -Miranda Lambert

2 things you want to do before you die:
♥ Write a book
♥ Be found.

1 confession:
♥ When I'm home alone, I crank up my music and pretend that I'm either Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, or the ladies of Gloriana, in concert. Embarrassing? Yes. Fun? Ohhh You have NO idea.

Angels.

If there's one thing I've always believed in, it's that God sends us angels. He places millions of these human-like creatures in every town and every country, with human-like names and identities, so that moronic-humans like me can get through the day.

This morning with an bone-dry tank of gas, I hightailed it to the nearest gas station. (actually that's a lie, it was the furthest one from my house haha) Before my parents left, they gave me step-by-step algorithmic instructions on how to dominate the ever-feared: Cardlock. I confess, I have always been very hesitant towards gas pumps. They scare me. I have visions of the tank overflowing and smelly gasoline spewing out the hole and the pump's brakes suddenly break so what was once a gas pump has now become pressure-washer, suddenly I'm inside a car-wash; I end up showering myself with purple and polishing the truck off, sitting in an intoxicating puddle of gasoline. I imagine myself as the starring role in Zoolander's freak gasoline fight.

Anyway, I let the machine read the card, I punched in my pin # and was told that it was now okay to "Use Pump". I approached the pump, grabbed the handle with a fake-confidence and set it inside the tank. I squeezed the handle. Nothin'. Squeezed it again. Nothin'. Again. Nothin'. And again. Nothing nothing nothing!!! I fiddled with the little metal contraption inside the handle. Nothin'. I even started talking to the pump. Nothin'. I threatened to start crying. Nothin'. I pressed in the handle until the machine timed-out. Pff!

I sat myself down in my truck and slammed the door behind me. I didn't know what to do. It was 10 AM on a Sunday morning. Anybody with a Cardlock knowledge would be sitting in church with their cellphones turned off, way off. I then started texting my sister whole lives two provinces away: "THE CARDLOCK IS NOT WORKING!!!"

She replied with, "Wow, you are stupid." Just kidding. She didn't say that, but we all know she was thinkin' it. As she started coaching me through the process, a white truck pulled up beside me. A man! A middle-aged male with many expected years of life experience was right outside my window! (so, just forget about my previous blog entry for a moment)

"Hi..." I said stepping out my truck, embarrassed as ever. "...can you help me?"

Yes, there's no doubt in my mind that this morning God sent me an angel. An angel who taught me that after you remove the pump, you're supposed to lift the thingy. An angel who even knew who my Dad was! Now I'm just praying I'm not gonna be the talk of the coffee shop this week...

Most would argue, "Jen, get real. It's a gas station! Somebody was bound to come around sooner or later. It's nothing but coincidence." All I can think is how sad it would be to live life believing that everything was just coincidence. To never believe in angels, God's hand, or that everything happens for a reason, is nothing but an empty, sad, and dry life. (kind of like my gas tank this morning) In case you didn't realize after a year of reading my blog entries, I am a dreamer and a believer.

So, now that I've allowed for a simple gas-pump experience to carry me away completely, let's get back down to shallow earth. I now have a new life goal: learn to pump gas independently. But if God wants to keep sending me his little gas jockey angels, then so be it!

Deep. Breath.

The transformation of thoughts to words is a beautiful thing; it gives fed-up people like me a chance to sugarcoat and lighten their offensive r-rated thoughts...

I'm considering gaining 230+ pounds, throwing out all of my make-up, and shaving my hair off. Hopefully that will eliminate all things men from my life --cause guys are shallow like that. (trust me, they flee from anything not-Hollywood)

Imagine never having to speak to another male in your life? Imagine if all men never took a second look at you? Imagine if you were just invisible around them? That would be NICE.

Who in their right mind would want something in their life that just makes them feel like they'll never be good enough? Not me.

Crazy Love.

If you see a 4x4 hightailing down the highway,
windows rolled down,
aviators over the eyes,
hand out the window,
blonde hair EVERYWHERE,
and Jason Aldean cranked,
Well...
that's me.

But for now, Harry Met Sally is on the television and it's like a heaven-sent!

My high heels and I are hangin' out with Michael Buble tonight. So don't wait up for me! ;)

One Simple Prayer.

God, if you can move mountains, make the blind see and the deaf hear; if you can turn water into wine, if you can give motion to the crippled, if you can walk on water, if you can rise from the dead... then you can do one simple thing for me. It's all I ask of you.

Take away my feelings for him.

Blink.

Last night I went to bed in depressed mood. Thus, making it difficult to fall asleep at a decent hour.
This lethargic and hopeless state of mind carried on through the night and into the morning. The last thing I felt like doing was going to work. I imagined in my mind what it would be like if I skipped work without any notice. I was granted visions of me, a sluggish ten-pounds gained mess, glued to the couch watching no-good-for-you tv shows like Pretty Little Liars and listening to despairingly sad music and eating mountains of artisan-cheese flavoured rice crackers while my boss and fellow co-workers are in an angry frenzy at work.
Yep, this vision did it for me. There was NO way I would EVER even CONSIDER skipping work EVER again. *shudder*
Twenty minutes before I planned to leave for work, I stepped in front of my full-length mirror. Sighhhhhhh. I didn't approve of what I saw staring back at me; my hair pulled back in a messy bun, a blank slate for a face, and dressed dark, as if I were about to attend a funeral. Great. I'm gonna be mistaken for a train-wreck when I get to work. Can't wait!
And then ...I blinked.
Without a thought in the world, I cranked up the bass on my speakers. I tore off my black top and exchanged it for a bright baby pink t-shirt. I buttoned on my American Eagle skinny jeans and smoothed my hair back into a girly high pony tail. I shimmered my cheek bones with bronzer and coated my lashes with dramatizing mascara. I slipped in my favorite pair of dangly earrings and smothered on the lip gloss. Before practically skipping out the door, I gave myself a deadly stare in the mirror. Now, YOU are lookin' good.
It was a weird moment. In the span of one second I went from "I am an ugly old rag." to "I love life!!!!" I always knew I was somethin' short of bi-polar!
I was so proud of myself. This morning I could have chosen to have a lousy day at work. I could have gone to work wearing black and tried to convince the world that I am a big piece of nothing, but instead, I chose to make this day wonderful. And that's exactly how it turned out! Work was great, people were great, and my mind-set was great.
So, here's to my bi-polar tendencies and to having a (hopefully) blissful sleep. :)