Faith.

I definitely feel like I'm about to write one of those long and detailed blog posts in which I put so much time and excruciating effort in...only to save it as a draft--never to be be posted. After being in the blogging world for over 4 years now, it's a typical trait of a blogger personality...to write and write and write only to save the entry as a draft, out of fear of what the world may think. Is there an official medical term for having a fear of publishing? Some kind of publish-phobia? Well, evenso, I'm on the verge of it.

I know THIS person follows my blog...what will they think? OR
I want THIS person to think I'm happier than I actually am...so I won't be tooootally vulnerable/honest in my writing.

In all honesty, this phobia simply stems from a pride issue. I guess I just want to convince others that I have my whole life together...that I'm the most Christian, responsible, happiest, and worry-free 21-year-old out there! I mean, my Mom and my two sisters read this blog...wouldn't it be kinda hard to read that your daughter or little sister is feeling a certain not-so-ideal way?

Even now it's taking ALL of my strength not to shut this laptop and just forget about the whole thing. Sometimes I don't even know why I blog--is there a point to all of this typing? There IS a point...truth is I'm not so skilled at expressing myself verbally with words, it's easier with a pencil and paper--or in this case, a keyboard. So why not barf all my feelings out on a blog then? Why not be my total self on here--the super weird/quirky girl that only my CLOSEST friends and my boyfriend Jarryd get to see? Why not use it as a way to remind others and ESPECIALLY myself of the promises of God and being in a relationship with God? Why not use it as an encouragement? Awhile ago I told myself I'd never write a "sad" blog post because I only wanted to be uplifting and encouraging to my readers. Well...maybe it's encouraging to read about a normal person with normal human emotions for once... (no offence to all of those Newlywed blogging women out there who have one perfect photogenic child and take too many pictures of their Pumpkin Spiced Latte Starbucks drinks while writing about how excited they are for their anniversary dinner that evening--do they have anniversaries every Saturday or what?! Maybe I'm just jealous :P Haha )

But, to make things clear: I love blogging. I love love love it. It's just that out of all the craziness of the past few weeks...months...years (??) I have lost my blogging streak/wit/passion. I want it back.

I think I've neglected blogging because I've lost my head-in-the-clouds-dreamer-personality to this crazy & consuming world that I live in. In May, I moved out of my parents house and into a brand new condo, bought a car, and started working two jobs. Sounds simple enough, right? Ummmm...I thought so too until I watched my money literally disappear into thin air -thanks to automatic bank account withdrawals-. Working, working, and working some more got pretty exhausting at times, but the feeling of being the sole breadwinner of your life is absolutely superb and well worth it. It's empowering, really.

Now that my seasonal Orchard/Tree Nursery job has come to a close, I'm only working ONE little part-time job, which honestly gets me 2-3 shifts a week. With the cost of rent and car-payments I get a little scared at times. Trust me, there is nothing inside of me saying "oh how I wish I was living at home with my parents so I wouldn't have to pay such high rent"; moving out was probably the best decision I've ever made and the level of comfortability here with my two condo-mates is truly a fairytale feeling. But, it's the thought of me working only to JUST make it by that scares me. I mean right now, I don't even go grocery shopping anymore and it's almost heart-breaking because for those who know me, it's like my favourite pastime! I want to work so I can SAVE, save so that I can get out there and accomplish my dreams!

I've been applying to jobs like crazy...and waiting for phone calls like crazy...which is causing me to go crazy. Applying for jobs IS a job in itself. It's disheartening never hearing the phone ring. It's also hard when even your "last resort" job decides not to hire you. And here I thought my area had a good economy...sigh.

Sometimes I have these moments of stress...and they are really un-pretty moments of stress. And it's these totally stressed-out thoughts about finances and making payments that have robbed me of my dreamer personality. It causes me to find no point in dreaming because dreaming requires money--a totally realistic thought that is just an excuse for me to be hopeless/negative/faithless/pessimistic. This anxious and worrisome girl is not who I am! It's frustrating to realize that I've been putting more hope in my work and money than in GOD, the one who provides me with work and money!

I'm currently doing a Distance Learning course from my previous Bible School and as bad as it sounds, it has forced me to read my Bible...and this has truly been a blessing. I've had to dig deep into Hebrews 11 (the FAITH chapter) and what my course-notes have written about it has had a huge impact on me. It observes that faith means five things:

1. It means believing and claiming the promises of God. (God has promised us a future of hope, He has promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and He has promised that He'll never give us anything we can't handle)
2. Faith means the believer recognizes he is only an exile and stranger in the present world and that his true homeland is in heaven. Reality is not to be found in this world...the believer has a better possession in Heaven.
3. Third, faith means endurance in suffering. (And right now my "suffering" is that I'm waiting on a job)
4. Faith means seeing the invisible...Christ and Heaven are more real to the Christian than the present world order.
5. Finally, faith means believers place their hope in the future God has for them. Faith is closely identified with hope in that it is forward-looking. Faith will find its validation in the future.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about the things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1-2.

Faith means everything to me right now. It takes faith to truly believe that God will take care of me and honestly, I have no one to lean on but Him. And as hard as that may be for a young 21-year-old female to accept, it is actually a very good thing. True dependency on God is exactly what He wants from me.

So there, I posted it. I did it.