How To Be Happy.

In college I'm taking a class called Psychology of Interpersonal Dynamics. It's an hour and fifteen minutes dedicated to my most favourite thing in the world: relationships.

I love relationships. I love studying them, observing them, learning about them, and working on them. Out of the four personal styles of relating, I am a person who values relationships far above any task that needs to be done. For instance, if I'm studying for an exam that's about to hit me in a few hours and a friend comes into my room and NEEDS to talk, I will drop everything just so I can be there for her. I love people...that's just who I am (and proud of it)!

Anyway, for this class we are reading a textbook that I just LOVE, called "Person to Person: Positive Relationships Don't Just Happen". In all honesty, it is more like an encouraging self-help book than a textbook. Sometimes I have to force myself not to read -too far- ahead.

I just completed chapter four, titled "Achieving Happiness and Satisfaction". I gotta admit, I have not been the happiest person on earth lately. In fact I've been drowning myself in worries, fears, and negative self-talk. I've been overwhelmed with the faults in others while ignoring the faults in my own self. I have forgotten what it's like to be just...happy, and I have also forgotten HOW to be happy. This chapter really affected me--it was like an answer to prayer, really. So if you're struggling with finding your own happiness again, I would love to share with you what this chapter has taught me and maybe it can shine some light on how you can become and happy and stay happy...

First of all, what is happiness?
"Happiness is having a sense of self, not a feeling of being perfect, but of being good enough and knowing that you are in the process of growth, of being, of achieving levels of joy. It's a wonderful contentment and acceptance of who and what you are and a knowledge that the world and life are full of wondrous adventures and possibilities." -Leo Buscaglia.

Obstacles that hinder you from reaching happiness:

• Unrealistic Expectations
• This is a huge one for me; first of all, happiness is not something that just HAPPENS. It is something you need to do.
• Another unrealistic expectation is that we ALWAYS need to be happy. We need to accept that life is not perfect. The 10-80-10 spectrum of happiness can help with this: 10% of the time life is spontaneously wonderful and deliriously happy, and another 10% is extremely difficult, tragic, and miserable. The remaining 80% of life is WHAT YOU MAKE IT.
• Searching for Happiness Outside of the Self:
• Many times people rely on outside sources for happiness. These sources look something like: money, a certain person, a job, a baby, the weather, material objects, or even a day of the week. "Relying on an external source for happiness puts control of your life outside yourself. If externals make you happy, they can also make you unhappy." The four traits common to most happy people are: self esteem, a sense of personal control, optimism, and extraversion, and NOT money, a PhD, marriage, or plastic surgery. So, happiness is on the inside, and not found in external things.

Creating Happiness and Well-Being:

• Cultivate self-knowledge, self-esteem, and an optimistic attitude:
• Get to know yourself. Know your goals, your hopes, and what you desire out of life.
• Developing self-esteem is essential because people with low self-esteem put themselves into situations that perpetuate unhappiness.
• Be optimistic! Unhappy feelings follow a pessimistic way of thinking; Optimism lends itself to endless choices and opportunities to make the most of an enjoy all of life.
• Have realistic expectations
• Don't expect to be the best at being a full-time student, mother, wife, friend, and member of the church all at once. Which one of those is most important at certain moments? By realizing this you can free yourself from exhaustion and stress.
• Initiate Activity and Pleasure
• Don't be one of those friends who never does the initiating; because to the other person, it may appear that you do not care about the friendship. Happiness in a relationship requires effort from both parties.
• Take Responsibility
• Making excuses is a common way for people to avoid taking responsibility, and can create dissatisfaction and misery. Distinguishing the difference between an excuse and a reason can help you avoid making excuses in the future. A reason is a statement of fact usually offered with acceptance of responsibility and control. An excuse consists of facts, but lacks responsibility for one's behaviour. For example, "I did not have time to study" is an excuse, "I did not take the time to study" is a reason. When exercising, "I feel winded because I am too old" is an excuse, whereas "I am just not in shape yet" is a reason.
• Excuses limit choices, and responsibility gives us the power to make changes and to create the kind of life we want. 
• Change "Can't" and "Couldn't" Thinking:
• Thinking thoughts like "I cannot get up this morning", "I can't ski", or "I cannot talk to people" are so limiting! Life has circumstances or external forces that cannot be changed. You cannot control the weather, many tragedies, and other people's behaviour. You DO control your reactions and future actions regarding these uncontrollable events. Learn to recognize your own internal power and avoid thinking CANNOT when you actually DO have control.
• Rethink "Should" and "Should Not"
• This one hit me the hardest. When someone says to you "We should hang out" or "we should go for coffee"...it does not sound that inviting. It would be much more positive to hear "I would like to hang out with you!" or "I want us to hang out!". Happiness is more likely if you replace forcing words like "should" with "want" or "do not want" because you are acknowledging your desires.
• Other forcing words that are best to be avoided are: must, have to, need to, and ought.
• Concentrate on Positives
• Telling yourself that you are not good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough are obstacles to achieving happiness. They also dampen the spirit of those around you. If you keep telling yourself "nobody likes me", eventually you'll begin acting in a way that indeed makes nobody like you. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• The words you use have a HUGE effect on your mood, health, and interactions. For example,
• Say these words aloud slowly: "No, not, negative, never, ugly, sick, gloomy, dumb, bad, bored, bleak, worthless, hate, wrong, awful."
• Now say these words aloud slowly: "Yes, cheerful, super, laugh, right, well, fun, smart, good, able, great, wow, love, excited, alive."
• When you employ positive self-talk, your mental image will focus more often on what is GOOD about yourself, what you CAN do, and what you have done WELL. 
• Seek Alternatives
• The happiest people are those who do not limit their choices. Being confident that you can solve your problems by thinking of several options is a sign of maturity and strength.
• Avoid Chronic Procrastination
• The costs of procrastination:
• waste of the present
• an unfulfilled life
• boredom
• anxiety
• impotent goals
• unsolved problems
• continuous frustration
• poor health
• a mediocre career.
• Realize WHY you procrastinate:
• Because the task seems overwhelming or unpleasant?
• Is it an excuse for a poor performance?
• Are you waiting for more time?
• Do you use procrastination to gain sympathy?
• Are you defending against blows to self-esteem by putting things off?
• Live in the PRESENT
• Futurizing: "Your life is not a dress rehearsal for the future. It is right here and now". Living for the future is a huge problem of mine. I get so excited about the things yet to come that I'm completely ignoring what is happening right in front of me.
• Pasturizing: is living in the past. The "if onlys" are examples of wishful thinking that destroy opportunities for present happiness. Learn to appreciate the past and use it as a series of vast learning experiences so that the present may be more rewarding.
• Count Your Blessings
• What has God blessed you with? Make a list and write these things down!
• GIVE to Life
• Develop Nourishing and Rewarding Relationships

I really didn't mean to delve so deeply into this topic, but I am passionate about it, and I really believe the things written above can bring about change! Remember to seek God first and foremost though. He is the creator of all things, therefore, He is the one whom you can depend on for true and total happiness. :)