Kids Kids Kids.

It's been a good couple of days since my not-so-fun weekend. Last night me, along with 3 other college students volunteered to babysit the school's faculty children while the parents were at an appreciation dinner. At first we were a little worried because like four other helpers weren't able to make it. And then we found out there were more kids than expected: 35!! (That's ALOT OF KIDS!)

But it was awesome! We ran around playing like 10 different versions of tag, lazy lions, story-time, made bead necklaces, coloured, and went on trips to the bathroom together.

I came home -almost 4 hours later, mind you- and I felt good. An evening spent helping and serving is definitely an evening well spent! And I know that parents very much appreciate when they get to go out and not have to worry about their kids--they were SO thankful for our help! I'm definitely going to wait like 10 years after I get married to have children--I want some time alone with my man! :)

This whole experience reminded me of how much I love children. Ages 3-11 is such a beautiful time of life. Each child is so different and has so much personality. I love their innocence and how they'll laugh at just about anything. I miss being a kid, when my biggest worry revolved around one of my pencil crayons breaking. Yes, it was simple being a kid, but I like where I'm at now...21 is growing on me.

And this morning after my workout at the gym of course, I even practiced piano for the first time in over 2 years! I'm so glad I'm taking lessons again. I'm playing a song from The Notebook (the main theme). It's sooooo beautiful! Slow, flowy, and pretty songs are definitely my favourite to play.

I am happy. It's +6 outside, the sun is shining, the sidewalks are no longer icy (I had an unfortunate wipe=out this morning), and tuna is oh so good!

❤ ❤ ❤

Goodbye Insecurity.

Boy oh boy, God has been working in my life like CRAZY these past few days.

I spent a good hour on Sunday writing a nice long blog entry about my experience, but I never ended up posting it to the public. This happens often, unfortunately. What am I so afraid of?

I've been struggling a lot with my insecurities, but God is faithful and He is always with me; He helped me so much this weekend. He sent an angel my way to hold me and speak God's promises into my ears while I was crying my eyes out for hours (I cannot remember the last time I cried so hard); it was nice to have a shoulder to cry on. And it didn't end there. The next day my two best friends sensed something was going on with me. So later that day an angel came into my room and asked me to pour my heart out to her. I trust that girl like no other. We talked in my bed for hours about the most personal things and it made my day.

God is so good. When I was having my crying-fest the other night, all I wanted to do was to go to sleep and never wake up. I had lost all motivation for life. And I remember the exact words I said to my "shoulder" that night...

Everything is just so hard right now.

I just want to be free from everyone's judgments and expectations.

How do I stop caring what other people think of me?

He then gave me something to think about: the next time you stress about what other people think about you, turn to God and ask Him, "God, what do YOU think about me, right now, at this very moment?"

In all honesty, for the past two days, I have felt free. I realized that I needed to spend more time with God...that I needed to be digging into His word and getting to know Him. So yesterday morning, instead of spending an hour at the gym, I spent an hour in my bed reading the Bible and reading a Beth Moore book called "Goodbye Insecurity".

It has really helped me. I'm able to walk around without feeling like everyone is judging me. I honestly don't care anymore! It HELPS spending time in God's word; it puts your mind in the right perspective...the perspective that the only thing that matters about life is GOD.

Yes, I'm 21 and I'm still struggling with insecurity. It's frustrating, but God is with me all the way. I think it's making a difference now because I have actually decided to DEAL with my insecurities instead of push them under the rug and wait for them to come back in a few hours. Trust me, it's not fun facing your problems and fears, but it's the only way to start the fixing and healing process. For example, I had to admit to myself that yes, I was going against the Bible because I was doing exactly what 1 Corinthians 7:23 tells us not to do: "You were bought with a price, do NOT become slaves of men". And even though it was a sucky realization, the acknowledgment was so worth it.

And since I am now learning to love myself, God is helping me to love other people. To genuinely and truly love them. It's so amazing! God is good.

❤ ❤ ❤

Sarcasm.

Sarcasm is a dangerous thing to toy with.

At first it's funny. Then after the ten thousandth "joke" it just gets annoying, and you're no longer a funny mystery to the rest of us.

I used to have a lot of friends who had a sarcastic sense of humour and now I just can't stand it.

People who are known as sarcastic people use it as a defence mechanism.

"The best defence is a good offence"-- that's exactly what sarcasm is. It's hidden truth. People say things sarcastically so that they can get their point across in a subtle way without appearing to be harsh.

I'm genuinely sad for the people who use their sarcasm to hide what they're truly feeling.

But the truth is, sarcasm hurts more than the straight-up truth.

So let's just be honest with each other and avoid all the wasted effort that's put into these defences, because using sarcasm as a way of communicating is not progressive in nature at all and provides zero growth for any relationship; whereas the truth and honesty will build relationships strong!

When You Meet...

❤ ❤ ❤

Career-Wise

Okay. I'm going to admit it. I'm lost. I don't know what to do.

I'm 21 years old, I've been enrolled in three different colleges; I've tried out three different majors, and yet STILL I am clueless as to what I want to do career-wise.

I'm trying not to worry, because I have Jeremiah 29:11 written on my whiteboard and I trust it...at least I'm trying my best to...but at the same time I don't want to be passive. The last thing I wanna do is sit around and wait for a door to fly open, or a window.

Since I'm only in four classes this semester (YAY!!!) I have time to LIVE and BREATHE, so I fiddled around on the internet and took a "find a career that suits your personality" quiz and 30 questions later, it figured me out to a TEE!

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don't like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

And then it listed some careers, a few of which I'd be interested in for sure, but some that I almost gagged at such as: nurse, paralegal, vet, and university professor. Professor? Really?? (Not that there's anything wrong with those careers, I'm just thankful other people are most suited for those than I am!)

Just for fun I compiled a list of my DREAM jobs. Please notice the word "dream" in CAPITOL LETTERS. These are just my ideals, my dreams...so there's no need to wave your arms at me in fear that I'm going to drop outta college and fly away like a feather! (Although that does sound appealing at the moment... Here we are:

Travel consultant.
Professional Blogger. (ohhh to get paid for diligent blogging...)
Stay-at-home Novelist. (imagine writing books from the comfort of your own couch?)
High School Guidance Counsellor.
Women's Counsellor in a church.
Book Publicist/Editor.
Baker. (Speaking of which, I'm gonna make Smore Bars this weekend!!)
Photographer.
Videographer.
Singer-Songwriter. (if only I could play the piano and sing at the same time--it's quite a skill...)
Professional Traveler. (Yes, I would like to get paid for traveling the world. Haha)
Missionary. (I really need to go on a missions trip one day...)
A Christian Magazine columnist.
Interior Designer.
Librarian.

So as you can see, I love books, traveling, and helping people. (not necessarily in that order though!)

With that list written down...I still feel like I did when I started this. Lost. I would love to be skilled at all of these things, but I don't know which is the best for me or which would be God's will for me.

The best thing for me to do would be to just try things out, and see what comes of it! This sounds better than just sitting around worrying my life away. I'm just trying not to be upset with myself...because when I graduated from high school in 2009, I pictured myself to be almost finished my undergraduate degree and working at a career I love in a place that I love!

It's funny though. Three years later, I feel like I have succeeded in many ways. My definition of success has transformed immensely from its original state. I feel like I've succeeded in certain areas of my maturity, my thinking, and my friendships/relationships. I'd say those are more important than a nice job and a pretty apartment.

My Life Is Not What I Thought.

I thought I had it all under control
I thought my fate was still in my hands
All of my plans were firmly set
By the words that I say

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams

-Kutless-

My New Years Tradition!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Fell in love.
Sang at a karaoke bar in Spain.
Counselled at a Bible Camp.
Kissed. :)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
As I recall, my new year's resolution was to be a woman of responsibility and maturity! Personally, I think I've gone up a notch! :)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One of my best friends had a baby boy! He is adorrrrable.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but a lot of dearly loved people in my town passed away near Christmas time.

5. What countries did you visit?
USA [Alaska, Maryland, New York, Delaware, Pennsylvania, North Dakota], Canada [BC, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba], Spain, Germany, and France. 2011 was definitely a good year for travelling. :)

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A job...or some direction. Pleeeease!

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January until April. Those were the dates I was in Germany at Bible school. And I feel I may be looking at these days a little too nostalgically, but those were definitely the days.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving a long-distance relationship, and surviving six classes in college. NEVER AGAIN!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being controlled by my pride.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a mere cough.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A plane ticket to Maryland!! I love it there!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Tuition definitely, but what else is new?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The thought of seeing my boyfriend again after a few months and going to New York City!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Any by Casting Crowns, Sanctus Real, Lady Antebellum, Needtobreathe, and of course, Taylor Swift!! (she reminds me of every year! haha)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. :)
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner!! Yay! I have lost over ten pounds since the summer!
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Cooking...helping others...spending more time with my parents.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I have no regrets at this moment!

20. How did you spend Christmas?
On a sleigh ride with family and friends :)

21. What was your favorite TV program?
It was definitely Modern Family. And...my guilty pleasure one of course, Gossip Girl.

25. Do you dislike anyone now whom you didn't dislike this time last year?
Not that I know of!

26. What was the best book you read?
Definitely "Sisterhood Everlasting"!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Christian worship music, like Hillsong and Jesus Culture. Ooooh I love it!

28. What did you want and actually got?
A quilt. Oh and my very first boyfriend!

29. What did you want and not get?
Not telling. I'm not THAT vulnerable. :)

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Hmm...good question. Probably "Courageous" or some lovey-dovey chick flick. Ha.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It took place in Germany! I slept in until 11 AM to an ambush of girls jumping on my bed screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYY!!"
Ate some delicious food at Cafe Hoepker with my two bestest friends Sarah and Jessica, sat and talked with them for almost four hours.
And got asked out in the laundry room downstairs.
It honestly was the best birthday ever!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Definitely ripped jeans with a brown belt and a v-neck t-shirt. So country. :)

34. What kept you sane?
How about WHO kept me sane: Jesus Christ.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Taylor Swift. Ha surprise!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Jolene <3 <3 <3

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Don't pretend like you know the people you're standing beside. Talk to them. Get to know them. Share stories. Share struggles, challenges, fears, and joys! Swallow your pride and your desire for perfection and be vulnerable with one another!

40. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
School is my life!

41. Did you encounter the police?
Actually...no! Wow, finally, no speeding tickets for me!

42. Did you have to go to the hospital?
Only to visit my friend's new baby boy. :) I'm not the biggest fan of hospitals...haha.

❤ ❤ Happy New Year ❤ ❤