Dear 2009, I admit it, I'm gonna miss you!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I completed my first semester of university!

I learned how to do laundry.

I fell in love with sushi.

I repelled off the roof of a 50ft building in the middle of the night. I will never forget that night. :)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I secretly made a resolution to have a super hot body...um yeah...about that...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
My sister had a baby girl, January 4th! <3

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I don't know how you define "close", but there were definitely alot of heartbreaking deaths.

5. What countries did you visit? 
USA and Canada. Hmm...I sound boring.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? 
You.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Every single day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Having the courage to move three provinces away.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Having ignored so many red flags, my selfishness, being an extreme pushover, and driving over the extension cord with the lawn mower--twice.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a mere cough.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 
Err...pumpkin spiced latte from Starbucks...

14. Where did most of your money go?
My dear tuition. *tear*

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I thought that 2009 was going to be my year of falling in love, but then I remembered that I'm only 18. Other than that, I got super excited for the Taylor Swift concert, university, and coming home for Christmas.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Any song by Owl City, or Miranda Lambert.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I'm not sad, I'm just...lethargic. New Years Eve is overrated to me.
b) thinner or fatter? I think I have FINALLY grown into my body, so there's no comparison.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, definitely.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I could've laughed at myself more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? 
Facebook. Holy heck, I do NOT want to know how many hours of my life I have wasted on there.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family we: opened presents, watched Looney Tunes and ate a huge Christmas dinner. Best Christmas ever. :D

21. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch much tv, but I am in love with Friends and Gilmore Girls.

25. Do you dislike anyone now whom you didn't dislike this time last year?
Haha. Of course.

26. What was the best book you read?
I didn't reach much, unfortunately, but I am working on it!!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? 
Country. In February I fell in love with country, and my life was changed.

28. What did you want and actually got? 
I wanted happiness, and I got it.

29. What did you want and not get? 
Not telling. I'm not THAT vulnerable. :)

30. What was your favorite film of this year? 
I really couldn't tell you, cause there was nothing incredibly epic. I most likely loved some chick flick.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
The ladies took me out to Earls, I had my first alcoholic drink of the 18th year, which was a White Peach Bellini. Then we saw Bride Wars after. :)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Anything goes with leggings, and cowboy boots.

34. What kept you sane?
Friends, family, and God.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ryan Reynolds. Hands down.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My roomie. :)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Look before you fall.

40. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
School is my life!

41. Did you encounter the police? 
You would ask that question, wouldn't you?

42. Did you have to go to the hospital?
Not me specifically, but I did take part in a horrible practical joke that was at the hospital. Haha.

I decided to go through my photo albums, and here are some of my most favorite and wonderful memories of 2009! A few moments ago, with my pessimistic attitude, I thought that I could've gone without 2009. But after looking at all of these photos, I now know for sure that 2009 was the best year yet. And 2010 will be even better. :)

New Arrivals, Fears, and Kids.

I decided to go shopping in the city today. I figured, oh what the hey, everything must be on MAJOR sale right now, so I might as well do all of my shopping before the new year comes around...right? 
WRONG. Me being me, of course, mindlessly (yet purposely) inch my way toward the New Arrivals. I mean, you have to agree with me that "New Arrivals" certainly sounds better than "Last Seasons Old Rags". It has a captivating ring to it...sigh. I am ridiculous.
But anyway, with my Christmas money I bought myself a new camera, a white coat, and little brown boots. And other than the fact that I ignored the sale rack completely, I am quite pleased with myself, because I can now stroke a few items off my "Christmas Vacation To-Do List". :)

I just realized something; I love hanging out with kids. And I can't believe that I of all people just typed something like that. A year ago I never would've said it nor thought it. In fact, kids have always scared me for the most foolish and dumbest reasons. Kids are honest. They're not afraid to say what they're thinking or express any/all of their opinions. I am terrified of rejection and get embarrassed easily. Therefore, if a kid doesn't like me and decides to proclaim it to the world, I would be hurt beyond belief and I would never forget the distressing memory. Like honestly, you know you have low self-esteem when you live in fear of a five-year-old's rejection.

But I don't know...there's something about leaving home for a long period of time that changes you. I don't seem to care about this whole "kid-phobia" thing anymore, and after my family gathering I just had tonight, I became conscious of that. When all of my teenage and young adult cousins had left the gathering, then I, refusing to have a binge-fest at the dessert counter, simply walked up to a table that was surrounded by four of my little cousins, and joined them in a game of "Pictureka". You see, a year ago I never would've done that. In fact, I had a habit of sticking around the older adults and just observing their "adult" conversations. But this time around, I just naturally decided to chill with the kids instead, as if it was something I've always done my whole life. I had so much fun with them, and you know why? Because a) kids are so intrigued with every word you say. b) they laugh at ALL your jokes, and pretty much anything you say. c) they actually listen to you. And d) kids are just so darn cute.

My favorite moment was when my little cousin asked me: "Do your cheeks ever get sore?"

"Err...no...why?" I replied.

"Because you smile ALL the time!"

And then I smiled some more. :)

Let's Do This!

Now that all my siblings and their significant others have flown the coop, I am now, one might say, an only child here at home. And apart from my almost-petty social life, I have time. Yes, TIME. Who would've thunk it? I have only less than two weeks to bathe in this tub of glorious bliss and tranquility before I hop onto the plane headed for sophisticated academics. This "time" has therefore resulted in the creation of a "Christmas Vacation To-Do List". And on January 10th I'm going to re-post this list so we can all see how much I am actually capable of accomplishing. (Yikes) ...And here we go:
-Finish reading Twilight.
-Read New Moon.
-Read the Twilight parody book, Nightlight. (hahah, what a great Christmas present)
-Work off that calorie-infested Christmas dinner on the treadmill.
-Buy a new camera with my Christmas money.
-Listen to something other than Owl City. (I will try my best...)
-Dine at Olive Garden at least once.
-Clean my room.
-Finish reading My Sister's Keeper.
-Read Sarah Palins' Going Rogue.
-Create a budget/financial plan. (I am ever-so terrible with money)
-Read The Time Traveler's Wife.
-Re-learn the guitar.
-Look at/research different universities.
-Write a blog entry everyday!
-Buy a coat & boots.
-Read Consider Lily.
-Draw something in my new sketchbook.
-Write a poem...or story...something creative.
-Cook and/or bake a spectacular masterpiece. (a.k.a Mac & Cheese)
-Work on my little scrapbook.
...May God be with us all. ;)

Best Christmas Ever :)

I've been having trouble sleeping lately; you know how it is, crawl into bed, squeeze the eyes shut and try not to think too hard. From an outsiders perspective, you'd only assume that I'm dealing with some kind of insomniac depression. But NO my friend, this is not the summer of 2009. Not even close. In fact, the only reason I've been unable to shut my eyes is because life is just too good to be true. I live each day in disbelief, pinching myself because I'm SO sure that it's all just a really, really great dream. But it's real and the pinches don't wake me up, they just hurt for a little while. ;)

So to be perfectly honest, these past few weeks things have been going good. No, make that great. Last Friday I got to experience my first time ever "I'm home from university for Christmas break" airport escapade! You know, with all the hugging and the tears. (JUST kidding, no tears were involved) But it was amazing to see the little crowd of my closest friends and family waiting at the bottom of the escalator for me.

There's nothing better than coming home to a place that has always made you feel safe. A place with two loving parents, and a place where every sweet memory is pinned and fingerprinted on each of the walls. I came home to a bedroom that looks exactly how I left it. It's good, in a sort of selfish and egotistical way, to find that your room hasn't been replaced with an office or some kind of sewing/craft room. It's nice knowing that you still have a place in your parents home. I came home to a niece who grew up so unbelievably fast in a matter of 4 months. She is sooo beautiful.
This whole week has been crazy busy. It's been SO great seeing all of my old friends again. We have had so much to catch up on. I remember a month ago I'd have these dreams at night where I would return home from university, and everyone would just hate me. I'm glad that not all dreams come true. :) I also checked my unofficial university transcript, and I've managed to score a 3.7 GPA on my very first semester. Wow. I honestly never, ever thought that I was going to do that well. I'm now more confident than ever that I can handle this whole "secondary education" thing.
A few days ago I thought to myself, "self: things have been going so great lately. Everything is perfect. Therefore, something is just BOUND to go wrong...right?" Right! Christmas Eve I was as sick as a dog. It was terrible. I mean, imagine yourself wrapping (or at least attempting to wrap) 50 gifts while your head is pounding like a jackhammer and your throat swelling to unbelievable heights. This sickness lasted only a day, as I turned out to be absolutely fine Christmas morning. Jesus can do amazing things on his birthday.
I have a little over two weeks until I return back to stress, textbooks, and overall: good times. So I'm going to spend this time finding out what my hobbies are (since university makes you forget that hobbies actually exist). I'll read, I'll write, I'll draw, I'll watch movies, and maybe I'll even pick up the guitar again. But most of all, I'm gonna spend my time loving those whom I've been missing so very much.
This has definitely been the best Christmas yet. I got to share it with my whole entire family: Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, and niece. If you ask me what presents and gifts I got for Christmas, well...I'm just gonna have to say: "I got my family for Christmas.", because there's no gift in the whole world that can make me feel so special and loved like the way my family can.
Seriously, what more could a person want?

All the right moves.

I wanna move to a city.

There, I said it.

To New York, San Francisco, Toronto...whatever.

I want some kick-ass schooling that brings me to a my dream career, like I'm living life on a well-defined walkway. A career that I'm good at, one that gets my heartbeat racing, and one that I'm known for.
I'd like to move into a not-so-cheap apartment, complete with my favorite art pieces on the red walls, colossal panes of glass, my own queen-sized bed, jacuzzi bath-tub, and dishwasher.
I want to walk up a fleet of staircases before I reach my door.

I want to see streets beneath my window, and the city skyline blanket the horizon.

I want to take a cab to work, and wear high heels all day.

I'd imagine that on my lunch breaks, I'd go out for sushi with my co-workers,

And after work, I'd go on the occasional date with a well-dressed man.

Call me crazy, but I would love to fall asleep to the yellowy-glow of street-lights streaming through the window.
Where is all this coming from? It's coming form the fact that I live 45 minutes away from a huge and gorgeous city, and I haven't even explored it yet. It's coming from me having no form of transportation at my fingertips. I need to go out.
Christmas break is lookin' good right now. There will be cities, airports, cars, independence, high heels, and fine dining.

Enough.

What a crum couple of days its been. Everything seems to be hitting me at once. How much more can a person handle?
I need a break so badly.
the GOOD news is that I got 100% on an English assignment which I had zero hopes for. I love surprises :)
what is also great is that I get to see my family in 23 days. It's been too long.
I think I should be counting my blessings.

Why.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's not supposed to go like this.
And I feel like my small town has been through enough...
It's absolutely heartbreaking.

Laundry Lovin' ?

I really don't enjoy doing laundry all that much. It makes me nervous. Here I am, waiting with teeth clenched, wondering who knows what the machine is going to do to my clothes.
I admit it's kind of fun sitting on the floor creating large piles of darks, whites, and delicates, while John Mayer and Josh Groban sing sweet nothings to me.
If only you could see me when I'm doing laundry. It's hilarious. I'll be scrambling through all of my clothes  while I'm on my laptop typing "How to do laundry" into google search. (And I'll have you know: never underestimate the power of the internet.)
This is the third time I've ever done laundry on my own, or...is it the second? Either way, it's kind of sad. It just goes to show how very undomesticated I am.
I think it would be fun to live in the big city and have your own laundromat down the street. Just like in the movies! Imagine all of the different people you'd run into. And it would make for a great "Sooo, where did you two meet?" kind of story: "It was love at first sight at the laundromat when we accidently got our American Eagle sweaters mixed up..."
All in all, I'm considering adding "Home Economics for Dummies" to my Christmas list...

Time and Place.

Lately I feel like all I ever do is: homework, eat, sleep, go to class, eat, write a paper, work out, sleep, go to class, and do more homework.


What ever happened to my interest and hobbies? And am I having one of those "I miss high school" kind of moments? No sir.  High school definitely wasn't for me. I'm just thinking about all of the things I used to do. I remember one year, I was in four different choirs. I used to sing and act in musicals (not that I was any good at it). I used to take piano and guitar lessons. I played flute in the school band, and keyboard in the jazz band. I used to play sports. I used to paint, draw, and sketch. The movie theatre was my second home. I used to take pictures and capture memories of everything and everyone. I even "baked" the occasional cookie, and according to my sister, I once made the greatest mac & cheese known to mankind (although I have absolutely NO recognition of this, whatsoever.)

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a robot, or a clone. I seem to leave footprints, and step in those same footprints the following day, and the day after that. I know that there's more to this chapter of life than just writing the standard paper, and striving for the ultimate GPA. Isn't it about realizing what talents and passions God has created in you?

I realized that I'm exceptionally skilled at getting off-topic. I just wanted to write that I miss having "extra-curricular" activities. I'm sick of just studying in my "spare" time. I want a chance to just live and breathe the non-academic air for just a moment or two.

Now that I come to think of it, being able to write in here as often as I do is definitely a blessing in itself. And I really shouldn't be worrying about my "lack-of-activities" issue, since in these past few months, I've been doing so many new things. Like going to old folks homes, packing Operation Christmas Child boxes, and attending University soccer, volleyball, and basketball games.

There's a time and place for everything I think.

Words.

I don't think girls realize how much their words can hurt someone...
If you need to make yourself feel better by putting someone else down, then you have insecurity issues, and need help.
Wow, and here I thought I was out of middle school...

Sunday lovin'

Today me and five other people from school went to the old folks home just to hang out, and it was so much fun! First we went through all five floors, knocking on doors to invite people to come downstairs to join in on the "hymn sing". Because it was at 7 in the evening, most of the elderly people were now getting ready for bed, but we managed to snag a great group of people downstairs with us. We sang a bunch of hymns, great hymns actually, "It is well with my soul", "Rock of Ages", ones like that.

After, we all sat together eating sandwiches and cookies. I became great friends with this woman named Lois. I told her she had a beautiful name, and she looked at me like I was crazy, and that I was the first person who's ever told her that before. Then she told me how she grew up in Calgary and that she was a cowgirl, and of course, I had to bring up the old "Ohh so you must own a pair of cowboy boots!" And she once again looked at me like I was crazy, saying "Heavens no! I never liked those!" Then I went into great detail of how in style they are right now and that I wear mine all the time. When I later told her that my name was Jennifer, she got really excited, saying that that's her daughters name! (I wasn't too surprised, since everyone's daughter seems to be named Jennifer) So I of course brought up the old "Ohh so you like calling her Jenny for short, right??" And like standard routine, she looked at me like I was crazy saying, "Ohhhh no. Why would I ever call her Jenny? Jennifer is her name, so that's what we call her."

Despite our differences, we had fun. There was lots of smiles and laughter, and I think I enjoyed her company more than she enjoyed mine!  :)

It really makes me wonder why I haven't been doing this my whole life. Like, why do I only choose to do this now? My town back home had an old folks home that I drove past everyday, yet I never went inside...

I'm so glad I went tonight. It really feels great getting out of my comfort zone like this, and getting know the people who are wise beyond their years.

Next Sunday we're singing Christmas carols!

So no one told you life was gonna be this way,

No joke, I watched two whole discs of F•R•I•E•N•D•S today. TWO. There's no better way to spend a holiday than to lie under the covers for hours on end listening to the opening theme "I'll Be There For You" over and over again. I am so in love with that show. It's kinda funny how a few months ago it was that annoying sitcom that would ALWAYS be on tv, but now after watching it here in a whole new environment, with a whole new crowd of faces, and finally getting to know each of the characters on the show, I'm infatuated. And in twenty years when I'll be flipping through the channels and "Friends" flashes across the screen, I know that it's gonna remind me of the days I'm living right now, at this very moment. :)

All in all, today was a good day. I got to sleep in, work out for an hour, talk with my best friend on the phone, listen to my roomie play guitar, take a hot shower, text with my Dad, and eat cafeteria stir fry. Heck, I even had the chance to write this blog entry. With these past few days being rather strenuous, today was exactly what I needed; A day with just the right amount of solitude (not too much, not too little), and not having to think about anything except for whether or not to pause the DVD and go to the washroom.

Imagine if days like this happened all the time? To put it bluntly: I wouldn't like it. I'd rather not become a bed potato and be permanently glued to my laptop screen. I prefer a good challenge, the stress to keep me going, and an unpredictable, surprise-filled day. And today was definitely too predictable in my opinion. Like they say, you can't have too much of a good thing.

P.S- I would like to have this girls' hair, and her cowboy boots:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXMu14YlfXs

That's all.

<3

I've got the Joy joy joy joy.

Call me a nerd, but one of my favorite feelings in the whole wide world is the rush you get after finishing a paper. It's like standing under a waterfall of relief. (Oh wow, please don't read too much into that last sentence...)

And what's even better is the anticipation of waiting to get your paper handed back to you, GRADED.

Too be honest, I haven't been having the best of luck with university papers. My highest has only been an 86%, and I won't even DARE let my lowest mark slip. Yikes.

All in all, only a school-loving geek can get so much joy out of writing papers and assignments. I guess I was made to do this, to write papers, and to challenge myself academically. Sounds good to me. :)

p.s- what's with my hair?

Walls.

I feel like I've lost my need to be vulnerable.

When I first started writing this blog, being vulnerable with my thoughts was my one and only intention. In fact, it was the reason I even created a blog! Whenever something would be on my heart, I'd want nothing more than to write about it. And I did write about things; anything and everything, no matter how embarrassing, or how small it made me feel.

Now, I feel as if it requires so much effort to write even the shortest of entries. What happened? Where did the hunger and motivation go?

I guess I fell back into the chasm of caring too much. I got out of that hole once, for awhile at that, believe me, but now I'm finding myself in there again. Apparently the opinions of others seem to matter so much to me. Why, though? They shouldn't matter. If you spend your life trying to please others, how are you ever going to grow? How will you ever realize your dreams, your fears, and the things that matter most in life?

If I write this blog only to please others, it would be like building a wall around me. It would be like hiding all of the "flaws" inside and only letting the "socially-accepting" things rest outside against the bricks. I know that the reason I build walls around me is that I'm scared I won't be loved for who I am. But after tearing down the walls, the greatest feeling in the world is seeing how many people actually stick around. :)

These walls are going down, one brick at a time. A.K.A - You'll be hearing again from me soon.

Midterm Craze.

A few weeks ago, I had written the worst midterm exam in my entire life. It consisted of 6 essay questions, each answer being a page in length, all in the nice, short time span of 90 minutes.

During this exam, my mind drew blanks, imaginary Grandfather clocks surrounded my head, and my hand was overwhelmingly numb from all of the scribbling. As time wheeled on, my once neat and organized essay format had morphed into a sad-looking point format.

And as the clock struck One, I hadn't even finished. It was AWFUL. All I could think was despite how hard I had studied, this mark will in no way portray that.

I'm honestly under so much pressure right now. This school is so expensive, and with my parents helping me out, I want to show them that I'm not taking any of this for granted. I want to show them that I'm working hard and getting my/(their) money's worth.

And in a sort of sad, foolish, and kick-myself-whenever-I-admit-it belief, my education is all I have going for me. If I mess this up, I don't know what I'd do...

I don't have a backup plan, or a "Plan B" one might say. I'm not one of those super amazingly talented kind of people who have the opportunity to head so many different directions at once. I'm not captain of the soccer team by day, a kick-ass lawyer by night, and a cafe guitarist on the side. I know I have something inside of me that's God-given, I just don't know what.

Yeah, it's a touchy subject...

Then today, a few weeks later, I received my midterm mark. I got 29/30 a.k.a: 96%. It's definitely one of those "What...the...heccck...?" kind of moments. Here, I've been spending all of this time mad and disappointed in myself, when I somehow end up scoring a 96%? How does that work?

All I can say right now is that I'm shocked, relieved, and definitely ready for whatever else comes at me.

And now that midterms are finally OVER, I will hopefully be able to be a slightly avid writer once again! Hurrah!

p.s- Halloween was great :)

Forever & Always

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gox-xAZIv9Y

The most beautiful song, ever.

I would cry, but now, it's nothing but irrelevant to me. :)

And I hope it will never be relevant to me, ever again.

Shaded by a tree, Can't live up to a rose.

I don't feel like being a wet blanket, so I'll keep this brief...

Some girls just have it all, you know?

They hold the world in their hands. They have everything they've ever wanted.

They are so, so lucky.

And most of the time, they don't even know it.

I hate being bitter, and I hate being jealous.

This is one roller-coaster I don't enjoy, having my hopes so high, then crashing to the ground. Nah. It's not that fun.

It's just hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. And in conclusion, I can't help but ask, "is there something wrong with me?"

Sighhh.

It's almost 1 in the morning.

I don't have a clear thesis statement written for my 8 AM in-class essay tomorrow.

I have absolutely no desire to write about stereotypes in literature.

I'm tired.

I'm mentally drained.

And I'm mad at myself.

Why am I majoring in something that is so totally and completely frustrating?

Because I love a freaking challenge, that's why.

library love.

I know that I really need to stop writing so much about the library, so this is the last time, I swear!

But when I'm warming my palms with a large cup of green tea in a florescent-lit house of books, I'm nowhere short of my happy place. :)

Is there really a sun behind these clouds?

This weeks forecast: Rain, rain, and more rain.

I am running low on Vitamin D, and judging by my apathy and lack of motivation, I think it's getting to me.

I need the sunshine.

I think next semester I'm going to take on a heavier course-load. I feel like I have way too much time to think right now. I hate thinking. Nah, hate is a strong word...I am not too fond of thinking. There, I said it.

Today in Sociology, I'll be getting my Issue Reaction Paper handed back to me. The mark written at the top of the page will either make or break my day. But I don't want it to. I don't want to care that much... Is it really that easy for me to lie to myself?

I need to stop thinking.

On the bright-side of this overly depressing blog entry, something good happened today! I finally figured out what my favorite color is! I've honestly lived five years of my life convinced that I could never ever choose one. But alas, I have found him, and he is beautiful. He also shouldn't even be referred to as a he, because he's not the most masculine of colors. I don't have a name for him, because he is simply indescribable. <3

The House That Built Me. <3

I know they say, you cant go home again.

I just had to come back one last time.

Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.

But these handprints on the front steps are mine.

And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom

is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.

And I bet you didn't know under that live oak,

my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

this brokenness inside me might start healing.

Out here its like I'm someone else,

I thought that maybe I could find myself .

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.

Won't take nothing but a memory

from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.

I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

this brokenness inside me might start healing.

Out here its like I'm someone else,

I thought that maybe I could find myself.

If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.

Won't take nothing but a memory

from the house that built me.

-Miranda Lambert.

This is my first Thanksgiving away from home, so I felt this song was relevant.

Breakin' All The Rules.

Here I sit in the library. It's a quiet, yet strangely busy place.

And in my study cubicle, taped the the wall is small rectangular paper listed with rules.

As I read them off in my head, I'm blushing with amusement.

No food to be consumed - Dear Nature Valley granola bars, must you make such a mess?

Drinks must be in covered containers - Oh. Ice water...sue me!

Please keep feet off the furniture - Um...where else am I going to comfortably put my feet?

Silent study ONLY - Lets see here...my cell phone's vibrating, my MSN alerts are going crazy, and Miranda Lambert's guitar is more than happy to fill this silent void.

I am such a rebel.

Live and Learn.

I admit, I'm having a hard time concentrating. I should be reading a short story from my English course-pack, but I can't. Too much on the mind, one might say.

I should be like a sponge, soaking in every word; understanding every word. But I can't. I feel like every detail is flying straight over my head. So instead of making an effort to grasp what I'm reading, I'm just simply memorizing the curves on the pages.

Sounds just like my high school chemistry class. I didn't understand a thing, yet I got above 90's on almost all of my tests, just from purely memorizing all of the concepts. It makes me wonder, what's the point? What's the point in reading all of these textbooks, attending all of these classes, and paying all of this tuition if you're not really learning?

For instance, sometimes I do my homework just to have the satisfaction of being able to say, "I got it done". But when I go to class the next day and I'm asked to reflect on what I read, I have nothing to show for it, even though I did read the text.

...What's going on?

I always feel like I have something to prove, which leaves me to forget why I'm here...Why am I here? To compete in a popularity contest? To walk away with a 4.0 GPA? To be noticed? To "find" myself? To be as "great" of a Christian as the person next to me?

To be honest, I just want to let all of that go. I don't want to have to prove anything! I just want to live and learn, and go to bed every night knowing that I did the best I could.

I'm just a country girl.

Whyyyy, yes.

I AM that girl blasting country music from her dorm room speakers. Miranda Lambert, Keith Urban, and Dierks Bentley to be exact. :)

Must...write...paper...

I am sitting in a beautiful hill-top house, with Mount Baker in clear view.

I am also suffering from a severe case of writer's block, which isn't good since I have a paper due on Monday.

Why can't I write a paper on how fun & interesting blogging is?

Why can't I write a paper on how excited I am to bake cookies, watch "Alot Like Love", and later, go hot-tubbing?

Sigh.

Well...let the good times roll!

My True Color.

For one of the classes I'm taking, University 101, I was required to take the True Colors personality quiz. The four colors are:

Gold: Responsible

Green: Curious

Blue: Harmonious

Orange: Adventurous

And as for my result?

Blue: "They're searching for the meaning of life. Their motivation is to feel authentic. They yearn for self-actualization, yet it is always just beyond their grasp. They are the peacemakers and as children find conflict very stressful. They focus on people and their relationships to one another. They love to build self-esteem and make others feel good about who they are. They can easily motivate and inspire people to make changes in their lives and reach their potential. They often work in careers that involve helping people, such as psychology, ministry, counseling, journalism, or teaching."

That is so me: I'm terrified of conflict, I'm desperate for authentication, and I want nothing more than to help people everyday of my life.

And speaking of helping, when I tell people that I'm majoring in English, they always reply with, "Oh, you're gonna be a teacher! I could totally see you doing that!"

...wait, What? ME? A Teacher?! I was thinking more along the lines of writing, journalism, and editing...but...

To be completely and CRAZILY honest, It actually makes me think twice. Maybe I could be a teacher...ONE day...even though I want to wring public-speaking's neck, maybe I could help and inspire others from the front of the classroom...

I always hear stories from teachers, leaders, and even resident assistant's of how they used to be so shy, and insecure, and 3 years ago they would've never pictured themselves leading and guiding others this way. And now, they're role models, they're loved, and they inspire SO many people. It amazes me. Truly. We obviously have so much potential inside of us, and hidden gifts we never knew we had. So it leaves me thinking...what if I could be like that? What if I became someone I thought I could never become?

But for now, I will get back to studying in the library...and work on completing this "Bachelor of Arts in English" major of mine...

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd. :)